Allow Me to Retort: A Black Guy’s Guide to the Constitution

by Elie Mystal

Conservative: “Turns out, this machine I’m driving stabs gay people in the face.” Reasonable Person: “Oh my God! Turn it off.” Conservative: “Can’t.” Reasonable Person: “What do you mean you can’t? You’re in the goddamn driver’s seat.” Conservative: “Won’t.” Reasonable Person: “Why?” Conservative: “Look, we need this machine to get where we’re going.” Reasonable Person: “Who is the we?” Conservative: “Those of us allowed to drive.” Reasonable Person: “It just stabbed Bob in the face!” Conservative: “Yeah. Sucks for Bob. If only there was something we could do.” Reasonable Person: “STOP DRIVING IT.” Conservative: “Can’t. Oops, sorry, I mean won’t. Hey, maybe you could fix it?” Reasonable Person: “It can be fixed?” Conservative: “Maybe. Here’s the manual.” Reasonable Person: “Okay, it says here that if you and I turn these two keys at the same time, it will stop stabbing gay people. Here’s your key.” Conservative: “Thanks.” [swallows key] Reasonable Person: “Oh my God, why did you do that?” Conservative: “I don’t think it needs to be fixed.” Reasonable Person: “It just stabbed Jillian in the face!” Conservative: “See, it’s working as intended.” Reasonable Person: “HELP ME FIX IT!” Conservative: “Can’t. Haha. I mean won’t. Whatever. Fuck Jillian.”