I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness

by Claire Vaye Watkins

My sister visits and asks how much a doula costs. Does a person really need one? No, I tell her, not if you have an older woman in your life who is helpful, trusted, up to date on the latest evidence-based best practices and shares your birth politics, someone who is not all judgmental, won’t project her insecurities onto you, is respectful of your boundaries and your beliefs and those of your spouse, carries no emotional baggage or unresolved tensions, no submerged resentment, no open wounds, no helicoptering, no neglect, no library of backhanded compliments, no bequeathed body issues, no treadmill of jealousy and ingratitude, no internalized misogyny, no gaslighting, no minimizing, no apology debt, no I’m sorry you feel that way, no I’m sorry you misunderstood me, no beauty must suffer, no don’t eat with your eyes, no I cut the ends off the roast because you did / I did it to fit the pan. “That’s a steal,” Lise says. “Seven-hundred and fifty dollars for the mother you wish you had.”