Saint (Priest, #3)

by Sierra Simone

It’s been four years and six months of trying to let Elijah Iverson go.

IT'S A SIGN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIM GO

Brother Patrick isn’t late for lauds, and he certainly doesn’t come in his sheets dreaming of his ex-boyfriend.

OOP- THERE IT IS!

I came here to live entirely for God, but Elijah keeps blooming in me, and I can’t seem to stop him. I can’t stop the tender shoots and slender, seeking roots of him, and I am his garden, his soil, his place, and it would be wonderful if I wasn’t supposed to be the garden of my god instead.

Again... IT'S A SIGN YOU NEVER SHOULD'VE LEFT HIM

“I love him so much,” I whisper, rain running off my head and down to my lips, where the drops fall along with my words to the mud and grass below. “And it hurts and I want it to stop. Please, Lord. If you love me, make it stop.”

YOU! SHOULDN'T! HAVE! LEFT! HIM! TO! BECOME! A! MONK!!! ARE YOU BEING DELIBERATELY THICK?!?!?!

I can’t deny that one of the reasons I’ve been wearing the cage has nothing to do with actual chastity and everything to do with feeling close to Elijah.

Again... IT'S A SIGN

If Elijah can move on, then so can I.

Neither of you have moved on and it's KILLING ME

He tasted like bubble gum and heaven. He tasted like impulsive decisions and lust and funny stories and the rest of my life.

I'm fucking SOBBING

The thing about falling in love is that by the time you realize it’s happened, it’s already too late.

Wow. That hit harder than I wanted it to. Ouch. My soul. It hurts.

Does he miss

God of COURSE HE MISSES YOU YOU FUCKING IDIOT HE'S JUST HAVING A MOMENT

Or that I’d once filled Sean’s Audi so full of Ping-Pong balls that when he opened the door five million plastic balls spilled onto the ground and then rolled all over his church’s parking lot.

Incredible. Absolutely incredible

Zenny made him pick up every single one too. Ha.

AS SHE SHOULD?! FEMINISM

What had Elijah ever seen in me?

Let's see: 1) good dick 2) childish humour that was endearing 3) a loving heart 4) good looks

“Is it really so awful having me here?” he asks.

Considering Aiden is STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU, yes. Yes it is awful.

But then sexual abuse committed by my parish priest—which

IT ISN'T DRAG QUEENS TOUCHING YOUR KIDS IT'S PRIESTS

What if What if he What if I still

Oh my god JUST KISS ALREADY YOU STILL LOVE EACH OTHER

I return for lauds and see Elijah there. Our eyes meet—once, quickly—and I feel it like a lightning strike. I can barely breathe.

GUYS PLS OMG I CAN'T TAKE THIS YEARNING IT'S GONNA KILL ME

Like Elijah really needed any more reminders that the svelte, hyper-groomed city boy he used to love is now a pious Neanderthal.

HE LIKES IT OMG

Cells die, my blood thins. It would be easier to suck out my own bone marrow with a green Starbucks straw than to hear those three words spoken in that voice to someone else.

YOU! SHOULDN'T! HAVE! LEFT! HIM! YOU! FUCKING! IDIOT!

A few of the glasses are mine on account of the impromptu drinking game I invented, which is called Drink whenever watching your ex-boyfriend with his fiancé makes you feel sad.

Aiden I fucking hate you sm you're a fucking IDIOT

Crispin

OH EW

Elijah’s not for me.

YES HE IS

“You think of me too much,” he echoes. “You’ve been thinking of me.”

OF COURSE HE HAS OMG HE CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU

“About the answers. It’s because every time I leave, I have more questions.”

OH FFS

And then he adds, “And because every time I leave you, the only thing I can think about is coming back.”

CASE IN POINT. AIDEN SHOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT

“We wouldn’t,” he says again finally. “We wouldn’t still be together, because I cared about him too much to fake a life where I wasn’t still in love with you.”

I FUCKING KNEW IT OMG

“You’re as intoxicating quiet as you are laughing. And you’re as beautiful serious as you are silly. And you are altogether more potent like this, more powerful, more stirring, and maybe it’s because silliness and contemplation are so much the same thing. Maybe it’s because no matter what you’re doing, you’re reminding me that I’m here and alive and that there’s more to living than work. That sometimes we can sleep in or play or pray and have nothing to show for it.”

FFS AIDEN LEAVE THE MONASTERY AND JUST GET BACK TOGETHER

“I’d rather have you for three weeks in Europe than spend the rest of my life wishing I’d kissed you one last time,” he whispers.

NO OMG STOP THIS FINAL DAYS BULLSHIT

“That was in February. No one looks happy in February,” I say.

Real. I hate February

I’m going to leave the Church. I choose Elijah.

OH MY GOD ABOUT TIME HOW DID IT TAKE YOU THIS LONG TO FIGURE OUT WHERE YOUR HEART LIES

I love you like that. I love you like this. I love you like everything. —Elijah

THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LEAVING OH MY GOD YOU TWO ARE GONNA GIVE ME A CORONARY

No, most people don’t guess, do they? That sometimes the people who laugh the loudest and reach for life the hardest are the ones closest to darkness.

I feel that. That's called depression, babes

“I’ve gotten a text message from this number before. Years ago.” Father Jordan stops and looks over at me. “What a coincidence,” he says mildly.

I FUCKING KNEW IT YOU SLY BASTARD

We got married on a rainy day in October—the

ABOUT FUCKING TIME