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I was Catholic by birth, as was my friend Damon, but in practice, we were Catholic in the same way Taco Bell was a Mexican restaurant.
lol
“We’re only ever good because there are consequences,” I told her. “Take those away, and everyone shows their true self. Kind of like taking off a mask.” “Or putting one on,” she replied. “After all, there’s freedom in hiding, isn’t there?”
All of us looked like some postapocalyptic death squad, which suited the egos of a bunch of spoiled, rich boys who never really knew danger.
love the self-awareness
In all the times I’d spotted Kai around Thunder Bay, around my house, at a basketball game . . . he was cool and calm, touched by nothing. But not today. I’d made him nervous.
“You fit me like a shirt. It’s a perfect mold.”
“I didn’t mean to push you, okay? I’m an asshole,” he said. “I don’t want to seduce you in here. You’re different.” “Different how?” “I talk to you,” he replied. “And I like talking to you. That’s rare for me.”
I notice blood trailing down his finger. The snake suddenly strikes him again, and I suck in a little breath. He’s squeezing it too hard. Why’s he doing that? But he just stares ahead, his eyes heavy like he’s lost in thought.
oh this made my heart hurt
“You’re so mean.” And then he quieted, his voice turning soft and sincere as he twisted me around to face him. “I really like you, though.”
I was going to fall hard if he wasn’t careful. That would totally destroy my street cred.
Damon needed me. Kai didn’t. What would happen to my brother if I broke his heart?
he’s old enough to not need a safety blanket. yall are toxically co-dependent. pls live ur life banks
“If Gabriel wanted you guys to think, he would’ve put you in charge,”
i rlly love her. she’s such a breath of fresh air compared to rika
“There’s something about you, kid,” he said, still watching the road ahead. “I don’t know what it is, but most of the time, teaching those classes, meeting with contractors, talking to my friends, shit . . .” He shook his head. “I can barely stand it. I even have trouble chewing my goddamn food most of the time.” And then he looked over at me, shifting into fifth. “But not around you. Around you, I get hungry. Like I’m starving.”
“But me?” Will went on. “I like ’em from scratch. I can teach them exactly what I like and how to do it the way I want.” “You mean you like that they don’t have anyone to compare you to,” I said, “so they can’t tell how bad you are at it.”
“Not only are your ducks not in a row, Michael, but they’re shitting all over the place.” I stuck the blades back in my pockets. “You boys need a role model.”
I trailed my eyes down Kai’s narrow waist and long legs, wishing for a moment that it was me in that room. Entertaining for a moment that I would ever let it happen. “Keep looking at me like that,” Kai spoke up, “and we’re going to have problems.”
“I liked having control of you,” he continued, his words coming out softly. Thoughtful. “It was different than it was with other girls. Control is an illusion. It usually only lasts a few minutes.” He raised his eyes, meeting mine. “But with you, I felt like I’d have control of you for good. It felt like I could hold everything you are in the palm of my hand. You had to do and say so little to make me want you.”
I purposely dressed in clothes too big in order to deter attention, and Kai acted like he didn’t even see the clothes, the tangled hair, and the dirty fingernails. He acted like he did six years ago. Like I was just a girl. But not average, either. I was special. Wanted. Desired.
“You think I’m not used to the way people like that look at me? Men thinking if they prettied me up they’d be doing me some kind of favor, and women laughing behind their hands. It’s been that way my whole life. I don’t give a shit what they see when they look at me. Your world is empty, and it can teach me nothing.”
this!
I felt a hand rest lightly on my back. “She knows how to walk,” Kai barked behind us. “Don’t touch her.” The hand, probably David’s, immediately left me.
And I wasn’t jealous. I just didn’t like how these guys always showed up, acting like she was still theirs. She wasn’t, and everyone needed reminding.
sounds exactly like you’re jealous my guy
My father worked his ass off to give my mother back everything she sacrificed in choosing him, and how did I repay him? I fucked around, driving cars he paid for and eating anything I wanted, no matter the cost. I didn’t earn a damn thing. I was nothing in the shadow of what he’d accomplished. I took my trust fund after I got out last year, invested a lot of it, and tried to make something of myself, but the black cloud of being labeled a criminal still hung over me. I could always see it in his eyes. I’d never be able to erase the shame. My eyes stung, and I blinked, looking away. I didn’t
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i love that PD included this little anecdote. feeling immense guilt for the privileges you have as a child of an immigrant is very real.
I didn’t know why, but it felt good to feed her. She wasn’t the kind of person to let others do things for her, so this was going to be a rarity. I might as well enjoy it.
I turned my face away; I knew it must be red and splotchy. I didn’t want him seeing me like this . . . my street cred and all.
My body was so tired. Kai strengthened his hold, letting me relax into him, and I did. I didn’t fight it. I laid my head on his chest, and after a moment, I felt him carefully brush my knit cap off my head, the water hitting my scalp and drowning out the rest of the world. I closed my eyes and savored the feeling. Just for a minute, I told myself. Tucking my arms in, I huddled into his chest, letting myself give up for a minute. His arms circled all the way around me, one resting on my waist and the other one on my arm, while the heat of the water mixed with the heat of his skin through his
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He wouldn’t look at me, and I realized he felt just as useless and inadequate as I always had. An urge pulled at me to make him feel good.
“I’ll change as soon as my clothes are dry,” I told him, looking up. “Where can I get one of those polos the other desk clerks wear?” He didn’t answer for a moment, his gaze hesitantly glancing down and back up again. Hooding his eyes, he walked around me, toward the hallway. “We’re all out.”
“You might be safe from Damon at the moment, but don’t think you’re safe from the rest of us.” He then looked down at me with a challenge in his eyes. “And don’t think I don’t know how to take care of myself,” I retorted. “I don’t mind hitting a girl.”
I continued backing away, afraid to turn my back on him. And then he took a step. I sucked in a short breath. “What are you doing?” He took another step. “Giving you a head start.” My stomach leapt. “But I don’t . . . I didn’t want to play!” “Oh, you’ve been playing with me all night,” he said, a growl lacing his voice. “Run. Because I turn into a very different person when no one’s looking.”
He tasted like everything I’d ever need.
“No matter how you cover yourself, it’s never enough. You’re beautiful.”
“How much can I spend?” she asked. “I’ll call you when the text alerts start scaring me.”
i yearn for this
How I loved Damon once, and how I knew Gabriel Torrance was wrong. I would do anything for his son. I have done anything for his son. I killed for him, and last year he turned around and nearly killed me.
“Ask me not to hurt him,” I said, my voice cracking unexpectedly. But she just stared at me, her gaze faltering only slightly. I inched closer, feeling her body’s heat. “Did it ever occur to you that all you would have to do is ask?”
“I liked you,” I whispered. “I still remember how good those stolen moments with you felt.” Out of all the women, my mind always found her.
Cold girl—hard girl—why was I obsessed? Why was I jealous that she’d probably given how many other men in that house a piece of her but would barely spare me a one-word sentence?
“It’s six years ago when I was happy and excited, and you were curious about everything, and my words were all it took to touch you.” My entire body stilled, and tears suddenly blurred my vision as he whispered to me. “You’re the girl I didn’t know, and we could be anyone in that confessional. Everything else fell away. Everything. We could hide and fuck with the world in that little room. It was just us.”
“I’m rotting.”
this is quite distressing to me
Something’s gotta give, he said. He was right. The alcohol wasn’t enough. Neither were the cigarettes, the girls he used and treated like shit at school, or the pain. Eventually, he grew used to it all and needed more. Something’s gotta give. How much pain could he take before he broke? How long until nothing was enough to appease him?
“If you love her, she can hurt you,” Natalya told him. “If you hurt her instead, she’ll never escape you. You’ll always own her.
ok so this is why he was so overprotective (to the point of being toxic) w Banks
Stay with me. I held his eyes. I know who you are. You protect me, you take me shopping on my birthday and let me pick out whatever I want, and you wake me up with my favorite fucking milkshakes when you come home in the middle of the night. I know who you are.
So many kids who suffer abuse don’t like to be touched, but when Damon was spiraling out, he couldn’t get close enough to me. Like he just wanted to crawl inside my head, where he knew it was safe. “She has no control over you.” I hugged him close, whispering into his damp neck. “We’re free. It’s just us.” “It’s still inside me,” he choked out. “It hurts.”
oh i’m legit crying rn
People will think what they want to think, not because they believe they are right, but because it’s in their nature to maintain that they are. By defending yourself, you feed the appetite for drama. By not, you’ve ended the conversation. You. Not them.
“I’ll never leave him,” I bit out at Kai. Not ever. I stepped over to my brother and took his hand, willing Kai to just go. Twice tonight I’d chosen Damon. He didn’t know we were family, and he might understand more if he did, but that information still wouldn’t change anything. Damon came first. Always. My brother squeezed my hand, a subtle gesture telling me he forgave me.
“I woke up last night, wanting you again,” he said. My heart pumped harder, the heat of embarrassment rising to my cheeks. Leaning back in his cushioned chair, he drew in a deep breath. “I fucked up, guys,” he said, this time to his friends. Michael looked over at him. “We want what we want, right?”
“If I were you,” I replied calmly, “the first thing I’d do is fire me. I’m not your friend.” And I ended the call.
“I’m fine.” She jerked her head out of his hands, challenging me. “I can take anything you got!” “I’m sure! In both ends, I hear!”
lol
I wasn’t getting fucking married, and even though I no longer needed access to the hotel, I really loved having access to her. I liked her. A lot.
“I saw the charges on the company card,” I informed her. “Why aren’t you wearing your new clothes?” “Oh, I am.”
“I won’t touch you,” I promised. “I’ll take my hands off right now, because”—I rested my forehead on her shoulder—“what started between us here six years ago started off honest. If nothing else, just let there always be that. Just listen.”
“She saw me the worst I’d ever behaved, and she still talked to me. Still listened. Still wrapped her arms around me and fuck it . . .” I choked out, tears welling. “We just, the three of us, needed that moment. Each for different reasons, but she made me feel like I wasn’t alone anymore. She made me feel wanted and strong. And it brought me a little peace for the first time in a long time.”
