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With heads together and smiling as they joked around with the guys, the whole group looked about as shallow as a rain puddle. Never deep enough to be more than what it was. Shallow, boring, tedious, ignorant, and insipid.
Abuse can feel like love . . .’” he repeated. “Why?” Damon remained so still it didn’t look like he was breathing. He looked at the teacher, unwavering. “Starving people will eat anything.”
I knew how I was. Judgy, rude, and close-minded, but I also knew why. I was jealous.
“Real monsters don’t wear masks, William Grayson III,” I retorted. “They look like everyone else.”
I would’ve regretted it, but I would’ve liked it, I think.
“It doesn’t matter if I arrive in style if I can’t arrive at all.”
Blood isn’t love, and love is the only thing that begets loyalty.
Every little thing you could do made you feel stronger. I have this, so I don’t need you. I have that, so I don’t need you. Sometimes I was able to kid myself into believing that having this or being able to do that made me too busy and too important to possibly care about everything that I didn’t have and everything I’d never be.
he hadn’t said a word, but I didn’t care. I just soaked up the feeling for as long as I could. Feeling him next to me. Riding with him. Goose bumps on my legs because I felt kind of pretty in the skirt now. Did he like it?
We want what we want.
think that’s why I’ve always liked this time of day best. People hide in the dark. They quench their thirsts in the dark. They build their secrets in the dark. We’re more ourselves here than anywhere else. I get to be me”—he swallowed, staring at me—“when nightfall is coming.”
“Come here,” he said again. I absently shook my head. “Why?” “Because I’m your man.”
If I let this happen—let him love me and protect me and all that shit he spewed—I’d just be trading one abuse for another. He’d use me, dump me, and I’d be worse off for it. I’d be shattered.
I held out the Twizzlers and Milk Duds, giving her first choice, but when she picked the Milk Duds, I opened the carton and spilled half in my hand before giving her the rest of the box. I gave her a choice to be nice. I didn’t actually want the Twizzlers.
“I don’t think about anything else when I’m watching them,” she explained. “They take me away. It’s an escape. I like the survival aspect in some of them, too. Ordinary people becoming extraordinary. Being called to do great things.”
I wanted inside her head first.
Putting the right glasses over someone’s eyes to make them see the world how he wanted them to see it. God help the woman who ever fell in love with him.
“Is it strange that someone who loved breaking the rules became a police officer?” “No,” I told him. “They make the best cops. They know all the tricks.” He grinned. “True.” And what better place for a criminal to hide?
“Look at me,” he urged again. “Hold my eyes. Don’t fight. Don’t rage. Don’t scream. Don’t give him your fear.”
“I am here,” he recited. “This is it, and I am not scared.”
“I am not scared,” he repeated. “I am the eye of the storm. The calm in the madness.”
“The quiet in the chaos. The patience for my moment.”
“He did not happen to you, Emory. You expected it. It was supposed to happen. It was all part of the plan. You knew it was coming.”
“Nothing is ever a surprise,” he said. “Always act as if you knew it was coming the whole time. Pretend it was part of the plan. You move with the storm, Emory. Calm, quiet, patient, and then . . . Then you happen to him.”
“I happen to him.” “He may hit you again,” he breathed out, “but he will never hurt you. You will smile, and then . . .” “I will happen to him,” I whispered.
“Like nearly all suffering,” he told me, “it bites, but you live.”
“You’re Lilith,” he whispered against my skin. “You can’t be burned if you’re the flame.”
I shouldn’t need his respect or admiration, but something about it made me feel stronger.
“Shit happens, and you did your best.”
Smile. Or don’t. It’s completely your choice. Don’t let a guy tell you you’re prettier when you do. You don’t need to be pretty for anyone. Your value does not rely on my opinion. Damn the patriarchy.
He didn’t fight for himself. He didn’t stand up for himself . . . He never did.
The only person I knew how to fight for was myself.
“After a while, you get tired of pretending that you’re in control of everything that happens to you.” He paused, turning to me again. “And you start being what happens to everyone else.”
“I warned you I wasn’t a happy person, and there were so many reasons I didn’t want to let you in, but . . .” She trailed off, trying to find her words. “The only time I ever loved my life was when I was with you.”
No one was going to tell me how to feel. Not anymore. No one could make me feel anything I didn’t allow. I was in control.
Something had disconnected, and every memory of his hand across my face or his fist in my stomach over the years was like a dream happening to someone else. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t here now. I didn’t have the energy to care about anything.
while I didn’t care how I looked in their eyes, I cared how I looked in his.
You smile and laugh, not just because your head and everything in it feels lighter, but because when you’re drunk or high, it’s like a vacation. When you’re away from the same people, the same places, the same work . . . you don’t think about it. It’s a break from everything that worries you or makes you anxious or keeps your world small and shallow, and everyone who wants to take a piece out of you, and when you’re high, it’s like that. It just doesn’t even matter. Suddenly, you’re seeing Machu Picchu from your front porch, and you didn’t even have to leave town.
Emmy was an oak. Her roots were firm, and love would not save the day.
but he was capable of the most, because he knew people almost immediately upon meeting them.
“She puts one foot in front of the other, does what she has to do, and lives honestly. She’s unashamed with her fucking chin up.” His voice grew stronger. “She’s loyal, everyone’s mother with warm arms and a kind smile, a survivor, and she solves the problem without dwelling on the loss.” His eyes hardened, filled with pride. “She’s a fucking Viking,” he said. “And I won’t have anyone else.”
That was my girl, scarred, tattered soul, and all. She was beautiful.
“No,” she whispered. “I do what I want, when I want, and nothing for your pleasure.”
I needed to like myself as much as I loved him.
He stole me, put me in a dangerous position, and manipulated me. But people change people, and while he was no hero, I couldn’t help but feel a little grateful. I’d been dying before
feeling Will’s eyes on me. “But do you understand it? I know you do. Sometimes the uncertainty seems like more of a risk than just staying with what’s familiar. It takes time to grow that courage.
I wanted to see me, too.
I looked down at my ring and couldn’t help the smile at how it suited me perfectly. Like I’d always worn it.
Happy people don’t fear death, because there’s nothing more they want out of life than what they have right now.
“Live for your love,” the judge said, “love your life, and raise hell.”
