Conclave (Devil's Night, #3.5)

by Penelope Douglas

“Choices drive our lives,” she goes on. “I sometimes think about where I’d be if I never wanted him to watch me so much. If I’d never started throwing fucks around to whoever paid for it, because if I could never hear him tell me how beautiful I was again, then I might not care what I did with my body or with who.” She tightens her arms around me. “But then…I might never have become friends with you,” she tells me. “My path with you and the guys might never have crossed, and I wouldn’t have a family.”

“I need Will back, Rika,” she whispers. I lift my head, resting my chin on her chest and seeing her eyes glisten. She purses her lips to keep her emotions in check, but eventually, she explains, “I love you and Banks and Winter and the guys, but…Will gets it.”

“Sometimes,” Damon says, breaking the silence. “I let my mind wander enough, and it always comes back here.” He breathes hard, staring at the water as I stick a cube of cheese in my mouth. “Except Michael doesn’t catch him, and you never come up.” He turns and sits on the ledge, sliding his hands into his pockets and our eyes meet. I see our mother in him now. A lot. I didn’t before. The way his eyes go big and round, and it takes a moment to be sure whether or not they’re happily surprised or pissed off. The way he says what he wants and doesn’t like to lie. The way they both hate being alone. What an amazing thing time is. Three years ago, I thought I was going to die on this boat, him the last person I saw or talked to. I’d never been more scared. Now, there’s hardly a day that goes by where I don’t speak to him or need him.

“I was there when she was five and eight and thirteen, so you remember where you and she started the next time you want to imply you have any more responsibility or love for her than I do,” he bites out. “My woman. Sit down.”

We’re not criminals, and I have to constantly remind myself of that. We don’t break laws for personal gain. We do it for fun.

“I’m not your pet,” I tell him. I was once, but not anymore. “Why?” he asks. Why? He’s asking why I won’t be his pet? Seriously? He rises and walks around the table, approaching me. “Because…” I say. “Because I need to be more. I need to be…useful.” “Why?” I want to laugh, not out of amusement but anger. I’m not a trophy. I’m not something to play with or program.

I sniffle, my hands shaking. Oh, my God. He left. He walked out. I close my eyes again. “We’re killing him,” Damon growls, and he’s probably talking to Kai. “Right now.”

oh im with him absolutely

“We will have kids. If you want them. But I will never not have you.” He shakes me. “Do you understand?” A sob lodges in my throat. “Do you understand?” he growls again. “A world where there is no us can’t happen.”

“I can’t follow the rules,” he says, “and with you, I don’t have to. I’m not alone. I can’t go back to being alone.” He hovers over my lips, our mouths open and hungry. “I can’t fucking breathe without my little monster.”

I immediately spotted Banks sitting on some chairs, holding her and Kai’s son. Madden. Mads, for short. Mads Mori. Poor kid sounded like an assassin.

I stared at her face, so much shit washing over me as I watched her, but most of all I just wanted to hold her close. I couldn’t believe this was happening. “Four, five…” I was going to be such a screw up. I’d do so many things wrong with her and this kid. “Six, seven, eight…” But fuck, I was going to love them. I didn’t care about being perfect. I just wanted to be everything my father wasn’t. I wanted this with her a million more times, and no matter all the shit that still lived inside me, I already knew I was better than him.

Alex left, probably to tell everyone waiting that he was here and healthy, and then I remembered that Will wasn’t here. I faltered. He should be here for this. Out of all my friends, he should be here.

IM SO SAD HE WASNT STOP RN

“What does he look like?” Winter whispered up at me, her voice raspy. I smoothed my hand over both their heads. “Like next year he’ll be running around in the fountains with us,” I told her. “He’s perfect, baby. Black hair, a little pissed off…” She snorted, and I thought about what he’d look like in a year when he was walking and running and laughing and playing. I wanted the noise. I wanted it all over the house. I wanted it filling our lives from here on out.

I went down the elevator and made my way outside, the balmy August air thick and heavy on my skin as I stretched my arms over my head and yawned. I breathed in the smell of hot asphalt and fresh bread from the bakery down the street and dialed Will, but it went straight to voicemail. I shook my head. I almost hung up, but then a rush of sudden anger made me lash out. “You knew my kid was coming this month,” I snapped. “Why aren’t you here? You missed it. You know, you’re just really fucking…” But I stopped and hung up, grinding my teeth together, because I didn’t know what to say. Asshole. But after a moment, I felt bad. I had no right to lose my temper with him. I dialed him back, waiting for voicemail to pick up again. “I miss you,” I said. “We all miss you. We need you, okay? My son needs you. You’re his favorite. I know it already. Just…” I shook my head again and hung up. I shouldn’t be angry. I’d done my fair share of shit I thought I needed to do. This was just important. I wanted him part of this memory.

“She’s not the only family you have, either,” Rika pointed out. “She comes with an army of relatives in Africa and Europe. Don’t you want that for your children?” “No,” I retorted without hesitation. “My children will have Winter and me.” And then I looked over at her. “And you.” She narrowed her eyes on me. “And Banks, Alex, and the guys,” I added. “And they’ll have your children. This is their family. It’s exactly the family I want for them.”

hated my father for everything he’d done, but even though I hated to admit it, I loved this part. Part of me always wondered why I was drawn to Rika just a little more than other women besides Winter and Banks. I wondered why whatever was between us felt natural and inevitable. How I could’ve hurt her or killed her a thousand times, but something always held me back. Of course, she was one of my own. Of course, she was. It all made sense last Devil’s Night. Everything seemed to align, and I had no fear. Like Banks—like Winter and me—Rika was unique. She was built for the wilds, and I wanted her in my family.

As soon as I put her under the water, I saw the blood start to rinse from her body and turn the floor pink. My stomach turned a little. I wanted more kids, but I didn’t like putting her body through this at all. I knew she’d be fine once she healed, but it almost seemed unfair that some women did this five or six times. Sometimes more. It looked brutal. And I didn’t want to see her cry like that again.

“What will you do?” she asked as I knelt in front of her and washed her legs. “About Christiane?” I paused, thinking. With Rika, I had too much pride to give myself away, but with Winter, I was freer. “Do you think I should let her in?” I asked, not looking at her. She put her hands on my shoulders to steady herself as I lifted her leg and washed her foot. “I don’t think we have to be in a hurry to make any decisions now,” she said. I smiled to myself. I loved how she was. She made me better, because I loved seeing her happy, but she didn’t push me, either. “Our family comes first,” she added. “Our family…” I repeated. My family. Mine.

While driving, we think, even for just a moment, about jerking the steering wheel into oncoming traffic or leaping off the balcony of a ship and into the abyss of the black water below. They’re passing thoughts and little dares we allow our psyche, because we’re tired of not living and we want the fear. We want to remember why we want to live.

“That’s what binds us,” she told me. “Who?” “Our family.” Our family? “Kai, Banks, Michael, Rika, Will, Alex…” she went on. “You and me. We all hear it. L’appel du vide. The call of the void.”

She laughed. “So what are we naming him, then?” she asked. “We didn’t decide?” “Not that I remember.” I closed my eyes, shaking my head. God, I had no idea. Nothing old, please. And nothing biblical. Oh, and nothing unisex. Like Peyton, Leighton, or Drayton. “Any ideas?” she asked. But I just leaned her back into the wall and held her close. “Tomorrow,” I said. Right now I was more interested in climbing into bed with her and sleeping for as long as we could. The name wasn’t important. He had my hair, and tomorrow, maybe I’d get to see if he had her eyes. If he had mine, then I guess nothing skipped generations, after all, and Christiane was full of it. Couldn’t wait to find out.

i love them sm 😭