Kill Switch (Devil's Night, #3)

by Penelope Douglas

“Maybe I need you to feed me.” What did that mean? “Do it,” he urged. I held the blade, liking how easily the handle fit in my fist, and loving how he was right in front of me, putting a weapon in my hand, and this could all end now. Did he trust me? Or did he think he could stop me in time? He was definitely testing me. Seeing how much I did or didn’t hate him. And he was willing to put himself in danger to find out. All of a sudden, I felt like I did the night I drove his car all those years ago. Like I was dangerous. “I’ll cut you,” I warned him. “Yeah.” “And if I slit your throat?” He breathed a laugh. “My kind of fun has a price, remember?” I stopped breathing for a moment, remembering those words. Remembering that he was him. My ghost. The one I kissed and made love to. At first those words had filled me with dread, because it meant he’d had no limit. Then they excited me, because I wanted adventures with the boy I thought I loved.

He hissed again, and I knew I’d cut him again. Shit. But he still didn’t move or speak, just breathed, exhaling slow, almost like a sigh of relief. “Keep going,” he whispered, sounding breathless and raspy this time. Heat rolled off him, and I could feel his chest under my hand, the slow, steady breaths almost sounding calm and spent, like he enjoyed it. He liked being cut? Or he liked the fear? Again, I was reminded of the night driving his car. I’d loved how he didn’t get mad at my mistakes and waited for me to do things at my pace. Just like now. He wasn’t mad I cut him. But maybe there was something in it for him, too. He enjoyed toying with death. Fear made us feel alive.

His warm breath hit my forehead, the heat of his body everywhere, and I knew he was looking down at me, but I suddenly didn’t want to tell him to stop, because for a split second, I remembered how good his arms and hands felt. Even if it was a lie, I let myself enjoy the intimacy I’d been starved for. For just a moment.

I ran the blade down his skin, shaving everywhere I felt stubble. His cheeks, his chin, above his top lip, and below his bottom one, and I dragged my fingers over every inch of jawline to feel for anything I’d missed, and after seconds of my hand on him, I was drawn back to the ballroom seven years ago when he let me look at him with my hands. Nothing had changed. I set the blade down and brought both hands up to cup his face. “Just need to check,” I told him, but it came out so soft I wasn’t sure he heard me. I touched him, grazing my fingertips across his cheekbones, down to his jaw, up his neck, and over the hollows of his cheeks. He moved into it, meeting my touch by cocking his head and turning it, giving me complete access as I checked my work, and then his words came back to me from all that time ago. Want to check the rest of my body? Absently, my fingers fell down his neck, and I dug my fingers in just a little, because I wanted to touch more, and I hated myself for it. His breathing turned labored, and he pressed his hands into the grooves of my thighs where they met my hips, kneading them. He leaned down, his nose brushing mine as he pressed his chest into me and growled in a whisper, “Winter…” I gripped his shoulders, feeling the ridge of his hard cock nudge me between my legs as heat pooled in my groin. My heart pounded. I wanted to run away. And I wanted him to rip off my clothes, too. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

“Why do you have your mask?” I heard Damon ask Will, I would assume. The way he said ‘your mask’ sounded like Damon had one, too. All the horsemen did, I’d heard. “Fucker, no one’s talking to you,” Will barked back. I snorted, and I could feel Damon fume next to me. Will was fun. I think I liked him.

“Oh, wait, I have money.” I slipped my fingers through the straps of my bra under the clown collar where I concealed my money clip and phone. But he just laughed. “Yeah, so do I. Don’t worry about it.” I pulled my hand back out. “Thanks.” Really, how was he Damon’s best friend back in the day? He was so different. Did he like abuse or something? I couldn’t picture him having Damon’s dark side.

This wasn’t Will. I knew it even before I slipped my fingers into the back of his hair and felt the same little scars I’d come across years ago. But in this moment, in the dark where I was someone else and he was someone else, I didn’t pull away. Why wasn’t I pulling away? God, he felt good. In my arms. I’d almost forgotten. For just a few minutes, he was my ghost back in the house. Taunting me. Playing with me. Making me feel things I wanted to feel. I’d missed this so much.

“Will you say anything?” I whispered. Where was he taking me? Where were my friends? But really, I didn’t care. I just felt like I should. He wasn’t my enemy in here. He was my secret shame.

His rough hands, the partygoers outside on the other side of the wall, his silence, my costume, his mask…everything turned me on, and in this little room, we took hold of our little world where only the two of us lived and dared to sink deep, if only for a few minutes where no one would know.

I stood up and slipped my bra back on, but unable to fasten it. “I will never have your children,” I told him. It was Damon. It was my sister’s husband. And I’d rather die than raise a family under his thumb. He’d be a terrible father. But I felt him approach and stop just in front of me, his deep voice quiet but steady. “You’re going to have lots of my children,” he informed me.

And then he brushed past me, leaving the room, and I stood there, unable to move as his words lingered in the air. I hated him. I hated who I turned into with him. How could I have just done that? Why did I do it? He didn’t force me. I could’ve run. I didn’t even think to say no. I didn’t want to say no. It was like we were animals, for Christ’s sake. Red. Anger, fury, heat, and need so strong you’re a fucking animal, Winter. It’s primal. So that was red. I’d wanted to do it. I loved the flames. I had dived in. But now, the pain of the burns. I hated him.

She let out a sigh, seeing clearly that my bra had been off. “Did he hurt you?” She tugged at me as she pulled the belt of the clasp tight again, and I no longer had the energy to muster any tears. “Not as much as I hurt myself,” I told her.

While some were of the opinion that I took advantage of Winter, and judged the gossip they heard about my weird sexual appetite for watching others, no one saw that video and thought I forced her. I was either the victim of a technicality or a deviant who messed with a girl they didn’t know was far from a one-night stand. Winter’s age wasn’t the problem to me. I didn’t even see it. The crime was, I couldn’t tell her who I was. And the crime was, she didn’t love me back. Her heart was so shallow she couldn’t understand and know that I was real. Every moment with her, I was real. I would’ve been faithful, and I would’ve died protecting her. As soon as she knew, though, she cut me out. It was over. That quickly, she hated me, her fickle heart abandoning me and completely forgetting it all. I was going to take great pleasure in making sure she never stopped hating me.

Michael came up right into my face, all of them dressed casually in jeans and T-shirts. “I want to talk to you in private,” he said. I straightened my spine, meeting him eye to eye. “Private?” I teased. “Like steam-room private? I’m game.”

“I trust her,” he said. “I don’t trust you. What are you hanging over her head?” Me? Oh, so that was it. The only way she’d give me the time of day was if I were blackmailing her? “Believe it or not,” I told him, “she’s the one who has my neck in a noose. Quite the little dominant, your monster is. I’m kind of digging it. If you want to share.” And then I shot my eyes to Kai. “With everyone, I mean.” “Jesus,” Kai muttered. Yeah, I was definitely pissed when I heard about the three of them. It was just another time the two of them made all the decisions and had all the fun. Will and I simply tagged along when we were permitted.

“That guy,” Will pointed out, looking at us as we looked at them. “He had a mask on before. He walked up and put his hands on Rika like he was one of the actors. He grabbed her, picked her up, had his hands way too close to certain things…” Will turned back to her as he spoke, and I narrowed my eyes, taking note that Winter was standing back as Rika and the guy talked. He looked familiar. Where have I seen him before? “She got away from him when she realized it wasn’t you,” Will continued, “but now he has the mask off, and he’s talking to her like they know each other. I don’t think she knows it was the same guy that fondled her before.” I looked away, shaking my head. They all just stood there. Michael, Kai, Will… “It’s one of her professors,” Alex offered. “She’s part of his research team at the college.” “He was not touching her very professionally when he was in disguise,” Will replied sarcastically, taking a swig of his beer.

There were things guys did that told you they were flirting. She turned to Winter for a moment, and once her back was turned, his eyes dropped, giving Rika a long once-over and licking his lips. Yep. Girls didn’t always notice, because it was subtle, and we didn’t always realize we were doing it, but he was interested. And he’d copped a feel while her fiancé was standing right here, too. Was Michael doing anything? Of course not. And that was the same guy I saw dancing with her at her engagement party, too. I finally recognized him, because he rubbed me the wrong way then, as well.

I narrowed my eyes on Michael, amused. He always made Rika solve her own problems, because he didn’t see her as a possession but rather an extension of himself. He didn’t want a puppy. He wanted a partner. But there comes a point when you have to defend your house and take charge.

Do it. I actually didn’t want either him or me getting arrested for a fight tonight, but I wanted to see some kind of life from him. Some remnant of the guy who was once my friend. Someone I remember very well, wanting to go to that edge and lead us all over it. This is what happened when you fell in love. You lost your nerve, because you didn’t want to lose what had become more important.

“Come on,” Kai egged me on, smirking. “Show us what we’re missing from the good old days. You’re so fucking arrogant. You educate us.” My heart started pumping a little harder, and I stood there, pondering the challenge. Would they do what I suggested? I wasn’t even going to leave it up to them. They’d pussy out. I locked eyes with my sister. “How fast can the butcher be here?” She stared at me only a moment before realization dawned, and a smile spread across her face. She glanced at Kai who looked at his wife curiously and then back to me, digging out her cell. “For us?” she asked, looking excited. “Minutes.”

“Oh, shit!” Will shook with laughter. “He went down like a dead deer.” A snort sounded from either Michael or Banks, and Kai looked down at his victim, surveying his handiwork with pride. “You didn’t kill him, did you?” Banks whisper-yelled, looking worried as she crept over. Michael and I followed. She crouched down next to the guy, feeling for the pulse on his neck. After a pause, she pulled away, sighing with relief. “Okay, good.” “Baby, please.” Kai looked insulted.

Banks and I finished getting Alex all dressed up. We did this as teenagers to one of my father’s security guards who kept patting Banks on the ass when he spoke to her. I poured some of the shit she got from the butcher on the professor’s clothes and then hauled him over and set him face down on top of Alex, between her legs. “Ugh,” she groaned, looking like she was about to gag with all the crap on her, including the professor. Banks planted a quick kiss on her forehead as she scrambled around her, giving her arms and chest smears of blood. “Love you. Mean it,” she chirped at Alex sarcastically and then looked up at me, smiling. I couldn’t help but give her one back. Like old times.

Will was laughing already, lifting his phone to record. But Kai grabbed it out of his hand to stop him. “Fuck no.” Will’s mouth dropped open, confused, but then the light dawned. “Oh, right.” Yeah. Not going down that road again. No videos.

It was a prank you were never really too old for. I always dreamed of having this room in my house someday with splatters of red paint all over the walls and sheets, so I could dump drunk friends in there who would wake up in the light of day the next morning, shitting their pants at the massacre on the walls. The small delights in life.

No one could stop laughing, all of us shaking with the amusement at the painful ride home he was going to have tonight and the sleep he wasn’t gonna get for a few days until he realized it was a prank. “And if he does it again,” Alex snapped, aggravated with the mess all over her as she shot a look to Will, “we’ll put him in a bed between your legs, surrounded by dildos and lube next time.” “Now that was an idea,” Will chimed in, pointing to me with an excited look. We all broke into laughter again, picturing the sight, and my head was light and my stomach unknotted for the first time in a long time. I hadn’t laughed like this in a while. My head fell back, exhausted from the day and night, but kind of happy. Really happy, actually.

“I was a kid,” she said, pain in her voice. “I thought I was in love. I was a naïve, stupid kid. Do you know what it’s like to think someone loves you and then you find out you were nothing but meat?” I curled my fists, taking the sheets with me as I shut out my own memories that tried to spring up. “Yes,” I whispered. Yes, I did. I knew what it was like to have horrible things being done to your body, and watch it betray you and make you think you’re bad for liking it when you knew you didn’t.

“When did it start?” she asked, her brain deciphering what happened. But I wasn’t going there. Never, ever again. “In the fountain when you were eight and I was eleven,” I told her. “That’s not what I meant.” “That’s all that matters.”

“You’re mine,” I said, kissing her mouth once as I humped her. “Mine.” I kissed her again. “Mine in that fountain. Mine in the locker room and in the janitor’s closet. Mine in the dean’s office.” I took her jaw in my hand. “You’ll have my kids and be my woman and fuck me, because that’s what I want.” “No,” she said, barely audible. But then she locked her hand around my neck and whimpered, her body arching to meet my hips. “You’re different than them,” I whispered, pulling off her shirt to feel her tits against my chest. “Different than my friends. Different than Ari. Different than my parents, my sister, and every woman. You see everything.”

“Yeah, was that the line you fed my mother to get her to leave?” she spat out. “That I was everything to you?” I flicked her lips with my tongue, so fucking hungry for her despite myself. “I told her the only way I could stay married to Ari for a year was if we were together as little as possible,” I said, both of us mouth to mouth and panting. “I told her that I wanted you,” I went on. “That you loved me, because there was no faking what happened in that fucking video, and I told her that I loved you, too, and I was sorry for stealing you the way I did, but it was the only way I could get close to you.” Her breath shook as she sucked it in between her teeth. “I told her that I never intended for anyone to see that video,” I admitted, “and I needed time. Time to convince you that you were mine and that you wanted to be mine. We just needed to be left alone.” It was true. I told her mother all those things. Things she wanted to hear. Things she wanted to believe. I married Ari to get into this house and because she was easy, but they all knew what I was really after. “I told her you’d be set for life,” I said, both of us rubbing on each other, “and I’d make all your dreams come true. You’ll dance and no doors will be closed to you ever again.”

Yeah, Ari left, because she did what she was told, and she wanted to believe I was joining them in a few days. Her mother left because she wanted to believe all the things I said to get her to go. That Winter and I were fucking in love, and we needed space to get through our shit.

But as hard as I was and as much as I wanted to strip her down and take full advantage that I had the house all to myself with my sweet, new little sister-in-law… this bitch sent me to jail with no hesitation and no regret. We weren’t in love. I pulled her head down to me, teasing her with little kisses she didn’t return because she hated what she just let happen again. “I love fucking you,” I told her. “There’s no struggle to connect in bed. No mystery with you.” Her thighs were so warm, and my dick ached, thinking about how hot and wet she probably was right now. But I simply tightened my grip on her, brushing her nose with mine and taunting her. “It’s comforting how it’s always the same,” I said. “How all you cunts turn into sluts once you’ve got a good dicking.” She grew still, a slight tilt to her lips that looked like she was trying not to cry, but everything else was calm and stoic. As if she finally understood… I was here to hurt.

My chest ached so badly it hurt to breathe. There was no one in the world like her. The music ended, and silence fell in the house as she fell back on her feet, breathing hard. She stayed there, unmoving and quiet. And finally, her voice pierced the air. “Are you here?” I didn’t say anything. “Were you watching?” she asked softly. I wanted to bring her into my chest and just feel her relax, easing her mind and making her feel safe. But she’d smell the smoke still on me, which I didn’t hold back on tonight on purpose. I didn’t want to be tempted to come see her. I did anyway, though. I’d told the guys I was paying a hot, little visit to Mrs. Ashby, knowing they’d love that. None of us liked her husband. But I just wanted to see Winter.

She grew quiet, dropping her head a little and pleading, “Don’t let me go.” I closed my eyes for a moment, my insides knotting so tightly. I didn’t want to let her go.

Sex was power. Degrading, filthy, mean, unclean power. Love always hurt. Sooner or later.

I wanted to fuck with her. Maybe fuck her, too, or anyone just to get my head clear—but goddammit—that wasn’t… He wasn’t stopping. She wasn’t having fun. She believed she was in actual danger, and all I could feel was my mother on top of me like Trevor was on top of her. It gets hard when I do that. That means you like it. No, it didn’t.

“What the fuck?” I muttered. What did I just do? Was I actually going to hurt her? But I did hurt her. She came out tonight, saved my fucking ass in town earlier, and I… I fucking attacked her. She stood up for me, and all I saw was trash and a threat. All that spirit, and I beat it down. I treated her like garbage, and instead of feeling powerful, I only saw a little boy on the ground, crying and heartsick, because he couldn’t stop what was happening to him. Rika would hate me. She’d never look at me again.

I took him up to his room, plopped him down on the bed, and saw him yawn and pull his comforter over his body. He looked like a burrito, and it was the first time all night I actually felt a smile I wore. Will and I were cut from the same cloth, both always diving too deep for our own good, he with alcohol and drugs and me with the pain I needed to inflict.

Rain started to patter his window, and I looked up at it, the drops streaming down the glass like being in a fountain and watching the falls spill from the bowl above. Winter. That was the only place I wanted to be right now. She was alone in that house, the fountain spilled outside, and she wanted me there.

She was so small and gentle and delicate. But there was fire in there. She never lied or pretended she was someone she wasn’t. She couldn’t see what I was, but she felt it and recognized it in herself, and we were able to find each other and feel that it was right. I didn’t know how it happened, but it was why I was always drawn to her. Since we were kids. She saw everything.

I set my knee down on the bed, coming down on her as she settled onto her back, and I rested my body on top of hers as I planted my elbows under me and held both sides of her head. I slid my fingers into her hair and touched my forehead to hers, breathing her in and feeling her body underneath mine. She scaled her fingers up my back, whispering, “What’s wrong?” I closed my eyes, having no idea where to start. “I fucked up,” I whispered back. She rubbed me, and I soaked in her heat, the rain hiding us from the world, and still wondering how she got inside me—inside my head and my… “Need to hide for a while?” she asked, a lilt of comfort in her voice. And I nodded. “Yeah.” For as long as I could.

And as we stripped, and I thrust inside of her, I knew without a doubt that this is who I would’ve been if I hadn’t become me. If I hadn’t learned to cope with pain in all the worst ways growing up in that house and denied taking any responsibility for the man I became. I would’ve gone to school, played basketball, laughed with my friends, and snuck into my pretty little girlfriend’s house at night to make love to her, delirious in no other need than to be good, because I wasn’t so twisted that I needed anything else to be happy. This is what I might’ve had forever if I hadn’t lied.

I stroked her arm still, my breathing even and calm. “Where were you for two years?” she asked. “Not in a hospital.” I knew what she suspected, but this was all so much more complicated than she knew. Not everyone needed help to stop hurting themselves. Some of us just traded in one coping mechanism for another. She didn’t see me for two years, because Damon was trying to stay away. And then he was at college. “Someone taught me a long time ago that pain releases pain,” I explained. “So when I was younger, I cut, poked, scratched, and burned myself, so I wouldn’t feel everything that hurt. And then I realized, it felt even better to hurt everyone else.” “But not me?” She had a teasing tone, but if she only knew. None of this was a joke. I smirked anyway. “I did some damage.” She just didn’t know how much yet.

I knew it was coming. Once the sex happened, she didn’t want to be away from me. And in all honesty, I didn’t want to be away from her.

She’d be unbelievable angry, but it was the only thing I could do to make sure she absorbed it and got a chance to see past it. To make sure she knew the man I was with her was what was real. “A cabin?” she pondered. “Like for skiing? I don’t have to ski, right?” “We’re not going to fucking ski.” I kissed her, nibbling and teasing. “We’re going to eat and drink and screw and probably fight a little, but we’re not leaving the cabin.”

Dropping my shit, I dug out a cigarette and lit it, staring at her with the sheet wrapped around her body and just wanting to dive into her hair and lips and the warmth of her bed just minutes ago. How did so much change in such a short time? She heard the lighter, smelled the smoke, a troubled look crossing her beautiful face. “You smoke?” she asked so quietly. I could hear the tires screech to a halt outside and the doors slam. I darted my eyes to hers. “Don’t let me go,” I told her, breathing hard. “No matter what you hear or what they say, don’t let me go.” She shook her head. “What do you mean?” And then she turned to where her phone sat again, flustered. “My phone’s going berserk. What’s happening? Please?” “Winter!” her father shouted from downstairs, suddenly in the house. And I dove in, brushing her lips with mine as he charged up the stairs. “Don’t let me go,” I whispered.

He came down, landing another punch, and I clenched my teeth, holding my stomach. Winter. “Restraining order?” she repeated. “What?” Please no. Please don’t find out like this. Fuck.

I squeezed my eyes shut, barely feeling him grip my hair as I waited for Winter to understand. It was over. She’d hate me. “Torrance,” she breathed out, hearing what her father had said. “Damon Torrance?” I looked at her as he pulled my hair, making my scalp burn. “Winter,” I begged. “What?” she said to herself, still processing. I tried to move toward her. “Winter.” But I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I shouted at Kincaid who just stood there with his hands all over a nearly naked girl. “Get her some fucking clothes!” I told him. Oh, Jesus. He was having me arrested. But I didn’t care about that as much as I worried that she wasn’t responding to me. Please don’t leave me. “Winter, listen to me,” I said. “It’s not what you think.” “It’s Damon Torrance?” she asked the other men. “You didn’t know?” her father asked. “You didn’t know who this was?”