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“Because pain in the body quiets the pain in the head. It feels good, like a kill switch for your brain.
“You teach your daughter to hide in everyone else’s world,” I shot back, “and I’ll teach mine everyone else exists in hers. Go fuck yourself, and leave the kid alone.”
All for Winter’s sake, because she was my sole motivation in everything I did, and I was kind of fucking ashamed she had that power.
The world respected people who didn’t crave approval.
“You want to dance?” I prodded. “I’ll get you anything you want.” “How are you going to do that?” “I get anything I want,” I stated quite plainly.
I thought it would be tough, not smoking to avoid giving myself away, but when I was around her, I just wanted to stay around her. My nic fit wasn’t worth leaving her until I was damn good and ready.
“What are you doing?” she asked, probably worried I’d be caught. But I just shook my head, keeping my voice low in case her parents were still awake. “I don’t know, baby,” I told her. “Just don’t let me go, okay?”
I blinked. No. I didn’t want this. I wanted to scare her. Threaten her, frighten her, run to the edge and nearly lose my balance, but . . . She fought. Like many of us should have learned how to do so much sooner.
All that spirit, and I beat it down. I treated her like garbage, and instead of feeling powerful, I only saw a little boy on the ground, crying and heartsick, because he couldn’t stop what was happening to him.
“Someone taught me a long time ago that pain releases pain,” I explained. “So when I was younger, I cut, poked, scratched, and burned myself so I wouldn’t feel everything that hurt. And then I realized it felt even better to hurt everyone else.”
“You look a little dangerous,” she mused. “Like you’ve got ideas.” “For the tour or for my sister’s husband?” She snorted. “Whichever one you have that look to kill for.”
“It’s no excuse,” I pointed out. And she agreed. “No, it’s not.” she said. “It’s a reason. Plain and simple. There’s always a reason why things are as they are.”
“I just wanted to be invisible, and if I couldn’t be invisible, then I just wanted it to end. I was going to run away, because . . .” His sad voice trailed off. “Because the only other way to escape was to end it all.”
“It was pure, and it was a dream. I didn’t want to change you. I just wanted to be a part of it all. Of everything beautiful you were going to do.”
“Whatever is after you is failing,” I told him. “You’re not fucked. You’re the strongest of us all, because you’ve survived the most.”
Red. Out of all the colors, I liked red the best.
“So believe me when I say I understand,” she explained. “Men don’t feel ashamed for enjoying sex on their terms. You shouldn’t either.”
“Your place is at my side,” I told her. “Say it.” She whispered, “My place is at your side.” “Louder.” I shook her gently, but my tone was firm. “My woman doesn’t ask permission. She’s a force. Say it louder.”
“Having fun?” I asked her, helping her off. She tossed the can and moved the pack to her back again. “I don’t know.” She laughed. “How much does this fun cost?” “Sticking with me for the rest of your life,” I replied, putting my arm around her waist. “That’ll suck.”
