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There is a reason that all things are as they are. —
will fuck women who aren’t you, but you can’t fuck men who aren’t me,
Life felt like hell because we expected it to feel like heaven. The quote I read years ago went something like that, but I never understood it. When you’re in the thick all your life, living in ways you eventually figure out no one else is, you learn to sleep well in heat and eat fire. Until one day it’s all you need.
Will, Michael, and Kai were my friends, and I’d walk through fire for any one of them. Will was the only one, though, who I was sure would walk through fire for me.
And sometimes, I could overpower whatever was in my head by making my own victims.
People assumed I behaved strictly on impulse, when actually, it required quite a bit of strategy to be this fucked up.
I loved making her uncomfortable. Mind-fucks were sometimes more fun than actual fucking.
“Because pain in the body quiets the pain in the head. It feels good, like a kill switch for your brain.
“Acting like that time with her wasn’t the only fucking time I didn’t hate fucking.”
I hated him, and I would never forgive him, but maybe we had that one thing in common. We had to change to survive.
He sighed. “I’m out of my own control, Winter,” he said, not explaining any further. “There are no choices. We are who we are, and we do what we do. It’s nature. Like a game piece, I will play my part because I can’t resist. I can’t be what I’m not.”
And in his head, he did the time, so he might as well do the crime.
“You teach your daughter to hide in everyone else’s world,” I shot back, “and I’ll teach mine everyone else exists in hers. Go fuck yourself, and leave the kid alone.”
“Are you . . . are you going to hurt me?” I asked. “I don’t know.” He doesn’t know? “Do you want to?” I pressed. “Kind of.” His masked voice was like a breeze through the trees. “Why?” “Because I’m sick,” he answered.
He moved in, his shirt brushing my arms. “Because I can’t feel guilt, sadness, anger, or shame as strongly as I can feel fear anymore, and there’s no stronger fear than when I scare myself.” He brushed a tear off my face, and I jerked away. “I never know quite what I’ll do,” he finished.
My smile froze, remembering the beating I let him give me last year because I knew I deserved it. I’d knelt there, letting him hit me again and again, because I wanted to feel worse on the outside than I did on the inside, and for so many moments, I just wanted him to kill me. Just kill me, because I can’t take it back, and I can’t move on.
Decisions, decisions. Screw it.
Hurting others is just as effective.
“God, you’re like a female version of me,” I said. “It’s turning me on.”
The crime was I couldn’t tell her who I was. And the crime was she didn’t love me back. Her heart was so shallow, she couldn’t understand and know that I was real. Every moment with her, I was real. I would’ve been faithful, and I would’ve died protecting her.
Will and I were cut from the same cloth, both always diving too deep for our own good, he with alcohol and drugs and I with the pain I needed to inflict.
I’d changed her forever. I’d bent and twisted and broken everything that made her the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.
“I didn’t start to fear him until high school.” Her voice sounded thoughtful as if she were figuring something out herself for the first time, too. “After everything that was happening in that house happened to him.” “It’s no excuse,” I pointed out. And she agreed. “No, it’s not.” she said. “It’s a reason. Plain and simple. There’s always a reason why things are as they are.”
“Because if there’s one thing they know about revenge, Damon, it’s that it won’t feel nearly as good as her love will.”
None of it was a lie, except my name. It was real, and I wanted it again. I fucking loved her. Goddammit.
There is a reason why all things are as they are.
I slip, scream, and fall, his face the last thing I see before I see nothing at all.
“Damon,” I whimpered, my chest caving again and again. “Say it again,” he growled. I gasped. “Damon.” “Who’s fucking you?” Oh, God, I was coming. “Damon Torrance,” I breathed out.
Stay in bed. I’ll be back for breakfast. Then after breakfast, we’ll eat.
It was kind of a date. I kept her clothes on. Most of them.
I needed to think, she’d said. My dick was inside you four times last night. Now you needed to think? Really?
“We’re going to rule the world, Rika.” I held out my hands, grinning. “You, Banks, and me.”
