All Your Firsts Without Me

by L.M. Terry

she will continue to live. She will go out with our friends because they will beg her until she has no other choice. But she won’t look for love again. She won’t look outside herself at all. Our love story is unique, it is a love that can never be diminished or forgotten. I know she will never be able to replace what we have. But I do know there will be love for her again. A different kind of love— not better, not worse. That is why I go into this arrangement with another man without jealousy or animosity. I go in with nothing but love for my beautiful, young wife. He is giving me the greatest gift. A chance to remain in her life after I’m gone. He’s giving me the opportunity to make sure she doesn’t slip into the depths of despair. Most importantly, he will ensure she receives the family I could never give her. She deserves that. Now I know some of you are not going to understand how I can do this. Maybe you are wondering what right I have to manipulate her life after I’m gone. It’s not something I set out to do, but just as fate brought her to me, fate will guide her to Westin with a little nudge from me. He and I believe this has the potential to be one of the greatest love stories of all time. She is deserving of that. Her very own fairytale romance. She didn’t get that with me, our love story was born of fear and tragedy. Soon you will learn why I am doing this. Then you will understand why I went to such great lengths to ensure she falls in love again. She will. She ...

you should know that Westin is nothing like me. We have similar qualities, which April needs, but in personality, looks, and everything else, we are vastly different. I didn’t go out and look for someone who was a carbon copy of myself. Not even close. This was not something I set out to do at all. Westin fell into my lap. It was, like I said, fate. We met at a bar and to be quite clear, no, our eyes didn’t meet across a crowded room. It wasn’t instant love between him and I. In fact, I was a little leery of him in the beginning. Believe me, I’ve done more than just vet this guy. I’ve dug so deep that I know what he eats for breakfast. April deserves the best. I made sure the man she will be sleeping next to is safe. Knowing she will be with him intimately after I’m gone is not something I like to think about, but I’ve had to for her well-being. But, while I’m here on this earth she will be in our bed with me. She is still mine. April was mistaken for an ordinary pebble. Everyone overlooked her and brushed her to the side. Everyone but me. I saw the glimmer shining beneath the dirt, the neglect, the hurt. I polished her with time, love, and encouragement. Now you cannot mistake her for what she is… a diamond. The pressure she endured in her young life made her what she is today. She has a quiet strength. There is so much still lying below the surface. I’ve only made a scratch at uncovering what she is capable of, but unfortunately my time with her is coming to an end. I do...

this has kept me busy and helped take my mind off my illness. I’ve had to call in favors from friends who looked at me like I was crazy, but after listening with tears in their eyes they all agreed to do their part. No one knows how big this is. Nobody but me. I’ve spent my days plotting and writing letters. Letters to guide her through all her firsts without me. If everything goes according to plan, she will love me even more, and if all goes correctly, she will love Westin just as much. You think I’m ...

“How’s David doing?” my nail stylist asks as she buffs out my nails. I glance at David’s sister, Teresa. She nods her head, encouraging me to talk about my husband’s illness. “He’s good. Nothing gets him down. He’s still going to dialysis three times a week.” “I’m sure he will love this color.” She taps my finger with her file. Smiling, I agree. David loves bright, cheerful things. He’s amazing. The love of my life. Without him I don’t know where I would be. As much as I like getting my nails done, I would rather be spending time with him. He is the one who insists I do this every week. This and shopping. It’s become Teresa and I’s scheduled girl time. He says it’s more for him than me. I drop him off at the bar a few blocks from here before meeting Teresa at the salon. He says he needs his “guy” time. He promises me he only has one beer. I’ve stopped drilling him about it. I know it’s important to him. It gives him a chance to feel like a man, an independent man, if only for a few hours each week. That’s been the hardest thing for him. Relying on others to meet his needs. It’s the silliest thing I’ve heard, because in reality, I rely more on him. I will wilt after he leaves. He is my sun.

Before I step into the bar, I shake myself out, casting off all the negative thoughts I accumulated today. Shoulders back and head held high, I put on my most dazzling smile for my husband. He looks up the moment I walk in and gives me a smile of his own that makes my heart cry out. I rush over and wrap my arms around his shoulders, kissing him gently on the cheek. “How was salon day?” he asks, reaching over to pull the chair out beside him for me to sit. I plop my butt down and wiggle my fingers in front of his face. He laughs heartily which makes every head in the room turn our way. They all smile before politely turning back to their drinks. “I love it,” he states before taking my hands in his and kissing every single nail. “The color reminds me of you,” I tease. “Yellow? Really, that’s not a very manly color.” “Yellow like sunshine.” I kiss him on the nose, pulling his wheelchair closer to me. “Well, if you put it that way.” He brushes his thumb over my bottom lip. “I’ve missed you,” he leans over, whispering in my ear. “I missed you more.” His hand wraps around the back of my neck. He plays with the strands at my nape, pulling me close so we are nose to nose. He gazes into my eyes for several minutes before kissing me so deeply and so thoroughly I’m ready to grab the check and head home. When he leans away, he chuckles. “You promised you would have a drink with me, wife.” “We could have a drink at home.” I wiggle my eyebrows, hoping he takes the hint. “That’s not the ...

Let’s not think about the past. I want to talk about your future.” He hands me my glass, urging me to take a small sip. It warms my belly, giving me the courage to finally meet his eyes. “My future is with you.” “April, honey, you know I don’t have much time.” He cups my cheek in his palm, his thumb brushing back and forth lightly. “I don’t want to do this here. Let’s go home, please,” I beg. “I need you to promise me something.” I wrap my fingers around the hand he is so lovingly caressing my cheek with. “I would do anything for you.” “Promise me that six months after I pass away you will come back here. Back to this exact same place.” I release his hand, allowing my gaze to flit around the dimmed space. A sense of doom begins to fill me. The thought of leaving the house to come back here alone, gives me heart palpitations. I won’t be able to do it. He of all people should know this. I’m only here now because he is here with me. “I…I…” “You can. I want you to come back here exactly six months after I leave this earth and have a drink. Buy a round for the entire bar. Celebrate life, celebrate my life if that is what you need to do. But you get up, put on a nice dress, and march your happy little butt down here.” “Don’t talk like this. I don’t like it,” I tell him, pushing my drink away. “I want to go home.” “Promise me and then we will leave.” He stares into my eyes. I blink a few times and then lower my head. “Okay, if that is what you want. I’ll do it for you.” He kisses...

I’m leaning against the bar by the cash register when my favorite song comes on the jukebox. I don’t have to turn around to know David played it for me. The song breathes life into me. Someone nudges my elbow as I hand the card to the waitress. “Looks like someone is waiting for a dance,” a stranger tells me. I don’t even turn to look at the man who spoke, my eyes are solely on David. I snatch the card out of the waitress’s hand when she returns it and rush over to him. He pulls me onto his lap, making me squeal. He wheels us around the dance floor, my hands framing his stubbly cheeks.

I love this man so much. I don’t care that our marriage is unconventional. I don’t care he is twenty-four years older than me. He is my soulmate. His sunshine saved me from the dark.

Cautiously, we move across the threshold. It’s not hard to clear, it’s completely empty except for a bucket used for toileting and nothing else. The girl is wearing a similar dress to the other women who were removed from the compound. It’s long, flowing all the way down to her ankles. Her hair is long but dirty and unbrushed. “Found one more in the basement. Get a medic over here,” Giles says into his radio. Slowly, I move towards the girl, crouching down beside her. “We are here to help you. Can you tell us your name?” I ask gently. The girl hugs herself tightly but doesn’t speak. I take in the state of her health. She is incredibly thin, pale, and terribly dirty. “My name is David,” I tell her calmly. She turns her head so she can peek at me. “David, like in the bible?” she questions timidly. I nod and reach out, placing my hand on her bony little shoulder. “We are here to help you.” She looks past me to the open door behind me. The poor girl begins to tremble. When her eyes meet mine again, she asks, “Do you sing and write poetry like King David?” Smiling at her kindly, I tell her no, “I don’t have a creative bone in my body.” “Is my father out there?” She nods her head towards the doorway. “What is his name?” “James Declan,” she answers in barely a whisper, afraid to say it too loud for fear he will materialize right before her eyes. “He’s been taken into custody. Is he the one who locked you down here?” She nods but begins to whimper as medics begin to crowd the smal...

I continued to sit with her when one of the female officers in our unit questioned her. Any time I tried to leave the room, she would shut down and say nothing. Her name is April Declan, and her father locked her in the dark room in the basement when she was twelve, the same age as my son. April is now sixteen. For four years she had been locked down there. She told the social worker that her mother and sisters brought meals to her once a day. They also brought buckets filled with water so she could clean herself, though she made it sound like it didn’t happen often. She was allowed to read and was given one candlestick per day. Her father also assigned homework that her mother would collect daily. The only time she ever saw him in person was when he came to preach (her word, not mine) about how sinful she was. Do you want to know what her sin was? Kissing a boy. That’s it. She kissed a boy. On the lips, behind the barn, one time. Her father cut her hair and paraded her through the compound naked so the whole community could ridicule her. Then he locked her in the hidden room in the basement. What happened to the boy you ask? Nothing. When he turned sixteen, he was given her younger sister to take as his first bride. The whole thing makes me sick. Just sick. The problem with April is that she has since refused to speak to anyone when I’m not around. It seems I’m the key to unlocking her voice. She was so far behind other kids her age, the judge presiding over the case sent...

I’ve been visiting April once a week for the past two years here at Lakewood House. They tell me she follows the rules and does her schoolwork without fight, but she does not speak to them. Not until I arrive. She waits for me by the doors every Wednesday afternoon. It is sweet and sad in equal parts. Once I arrive, she grabs my hand and rushes me through the building so she can talk to everyone about all the things she was unable to say to them during the week. Her therapist encourages her to speak without my presence but so far, all efforts have been unsuccessful. She’ll be turning eighteen in a few months. Where she will go after that has everyone, including myself, concerned. She has continued to grow and progress, but her lack of communication is troublesome.

“Why won’t you talk when I’m not around?” “You are my sunshine. Without you, I cannot bloom,” she answers shyly. She’s a bit of a poet. I’m slowly learning to decipher her way of communicating. “Sweetheart, you have to learn to speak when I’m not around.” She turns her face away from me and continues to write in the journal I gifted her. “You look at me with different eyes,” she says while scribbling words onto the paper. “My eyes are just like anyone’s. Everyone here wants to help you.” She pauses and bites the end of her pen. “Your eyes are filled with sunshine and happiness. Everybody else’s are filled with pity and morbid curiosity.” I’ve watched her grow from a timid little girl to a quiet, beautiful young woman but, she is still trapped in that basement. Still afraid to speak without me. Her therapist thinks it’s because I was the first person she saw outside of her family. “April, I’m not always going to be around. Please, for me, you need to try,” I beg. Tears pool in her eyes. “You’re going to stop coming to see me?” her tiny voice cracks. I sigh loudly. “I’m not abandoning you. But you turn eighteen in a few months, and you’ll be too old to stay here. You know Sandy is looking at colleges for you. If you go to one of them, you will need to talk to other people. I cannot be with you every minute of the day.” “I’m not going to college.” She slams the journal shut, shooting to her feet. “April.” I reach for her hand, but she sprints away, her long hair billowing beh...

As soon as Kaden walks through the door, I’m jumping into his arms. “I saved you some supper,” I tell him excitedly. “Your favorite, homemade mac and cheese.” He laughs and walks with me in his arms to the kitchen. “Good, I’m starving.” He sets me on my feet before opening the oven to take a big whiff. “Smells wonderful.” “Kaden, you made it,” David says, wheeling himself out to the kitchen to join us. He stops close to his son as Kaden bends down to give him a big bear hug. David wraps his arms around his son tightly, not letting go, a single tear runs down his cheek. Doom creeps up my spine, lodging itself in my throat. “I’m going to go sit out on the beach and give you two time to catch up.” I rub my hand over my throat, urging the fear back down. Kaden stands and turns to look at me. “Don’t leave on my account. I’m here for three days. Plenty of time to catch up with the old man.” He laughs, patting David on the back. David covers for me, his eyes softening at the panic on my face. “She sits on the beach every night, Kade. Let her go.” “The waves are my muse,” I add, giving David a quick peck on the cheek before rushing out. Darkness greets me on the other side of the door.

David senses something. He’s been acting strange the past few weeks. Almost as if he is preparing for his goodbye. The doctors haven’t said anything. Yes, I know he is on dialysis, yes, I know that can’t last forever, and yes, I know he’s not a viable candidate for a transplant due to his paraplegia. But he can’t leave. I’m not prepared. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. He is my rock. David keeps me moving forward. There is no one like him. No one.

memories roll in like the waves, transporting me back to the morning he told me that he and his son would like me to move in with them. It was a week before my eighteenth birthday. I was about to age out of the system. I’d been a ward of the state since my father’s compound had been shut down. It was the happiest day of my life. Someone wanted me, flaws, and all. David knew there would be challenges, but he signed up nonetheless. I was still experiencing nightmares most nights and I was very shy, uncomfortably so. Then there was the fact I didn’t speak unless he was around. He didn’t need to be right next to me, just where I could see him. I can’t explain why I couldn’t form words without my eyes on him. I think it was due to my worry that something stupid would fall out of my mouth. I said the wrong thing often as a child, my backside is proof of it. But, with David near, I knew if I spoke in error, he would protect me. He’s quiet and patient. I’ve never heard him raise his voice to anyone. Not even when Kaden came home late one night when he was seventeen, so drunk, he could hardly stand up. The next morning, they had a long talk about consequences and risks. Not once did he tell him he was evil or that he was going to burn in hell. That was the day I fell in love with David. I mean, I’ve always loved him, but it had been a different kind of love. It was innocent, born from my need to feel safe, but when I watched him talk with Kaden at the table that day, I realized my ...

wondering about the accident, aren’t you? I don’t like to think about it. It changed everything. It happened on the day he asked me to move in with him and Kaden. He stopped at the mall on his way home to purchase a yellow starburst quilt for my new room. He wanted it to be a cheerful, bright space since I had spent so many years sleeping in a dark, cold, concrete room. While he was there, an armed man entered the building and began shooting shoppers. David was on the other side of the mall at the time the active shooter call rang through the building. He didn’t hide with everyone else. He didn’t flee. No. He ran right towards the man. David saved many lives that day. He managed to take the shooter down, killing him with one shot but not before a bullet grazed his spinal cord, instantly paralyzing him. That day killed his career as a police officer, but it didn’t destroy his spirit. My therapist took me to the hospital to visit him once he was stable. When I walked in, he smiled at me like nothing had changed. The guilt almost crippled me. He made me sit on the edge of his bed, his hand wrapped tightly around my fingers. He told me yes, he was there for me, but it was not my fau...

when my feelings for him changed, he blamed guilt. Yes, I had and still have a certain amount of guilt over that fateful day, but it wasn’t what made me see him in a different light. It was me. I started to see him through the eyes of a woman. Eventually, he admitted his feelings were also changing. We took it slow. It was exactly what I needed. He’s healed me in so many ways. I can’t even begin to tell you everything this man has done for me. Tears fall hot down my cheeks, the breeze cooling them before they reach m...

Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve secretly been hiding two narcotic pain pills each time he gets a new script. They give me peace of mind. I’m afraid when he’s gone, I’ll be forced back into the dark and there will only be one way out. Those tablets are my portal back to him. I hope I won’t need them but how can I know. I haven’t had to live without him since I was sixteen. He makes me promise him daily I will keep moving forward. I have good intentions when I make those vows. I do. I really do. I want to be strong and live for him. I’ll try. I will. Sometimes, I...

Kaden whoops behind me, making me jump a foot. “Kaden! Why do you insist on scaring me all the time?” “It’s what I do.” He laughs and sits down beside me. “Dad went to bed. He says he’s tired.” I frown. He is fatigued more and more every day. The tears start again, much to my chagrin. I quickly brush them away, hoping Kaden doesn’t notice but it’s hopeless. “Hey. It’s okay. Go ahead and cry, April.” He pulls me close and pushes my head down on his shoulder. “I’m… I’m sorry, Kaden. I don’t want to damper your visit.” He chuckles miserably. “April, you know why dad called me home, don’t you?” He tips my chin so he can look into my eyes. “Because he missed you?” I ask on a hiccup. He shakes his head sorrowfully. “He knows the time is near.” I stare at him for a pregnant minute before jumping to my feet. “No. He’s wrong. The doctors have said nothing of the sort. He could live for years and years on dialysis. He’s wrong. Goddammit, he’s wrong!” I scream to the ocean. A wave crashes angrily at my feet, ...

“April, sit down.” My mind stills at his demand. He sounds so much like his father. He pats the sand beside him. I fall to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. He runs his hand down my hair. “I’ll quit school and come home. It will be fine. I won’t leave you too.” This makes me sit up tall. “No. No. Absolutely not. You of all people have sacrificed so much for me. Not school. Not your future. I’m not taking those away from you. I already took your dad,” I say with such intensity he leans back, shock stamped on his face. He grabs me by the shoulders, giving me a good shake. “You didn’t take my dad. You improved him. You made both our lives better, April. Never say that again.” His anger surprises me. “Please don’t quit school. I’ll be fine. I will.” I wipe my tears and nose on the sleeve of my jacket. “I’m sorry. I just… did he say he thinks death is near?” Kaden draws me back to his side. “He did. He’s serious, April. We need to be strong for him.” I nod, gripping his shirt tightly. “I haven’t cried in front of him in a long time. I wait until I’m in the shower.” “You don’t need to hide your sadness from him, April. Your tears show him how much your love spills over. It’s okay. Don’t hide, please don’t hide. That’s not what I mean by being strong. We have to accept this with grace. Just like he is.” Kaden and I sit on the beach for a long time, the moon and ocean the only witnesses to our struggle to find the courage to face the inevitable. We cling to each other while the ...

When I crawl into bed beside David, he grabs my arm, tugging me close to him. “Hey, beautiful,” he whispers. “I thought you’d be asleep,” I tell him, snuggling down under the covers with him. “My thoughts were way too naughty for sleep to come, wife.” He swats my bottom lightly. Giggling, I lean over to kiss him. He groans and pushes me onto my back. “Let me love you, baby,” he says quietly, staring deep into my eyes. I let my tears fall freely as he makes love to me like it’s our last time. He kisses them away while his hands roam all over my body. Is he trying to memorize everything about me, like I’m doing to him? He’s aggressive in his demands. He steals my breath, he tastes my skin, his fingers play my body like an instrument that only he can hear. He wants it all, and he takes it greedily. After our lovemaking, David and I lie together quietly. He studies our entwined fingers, drawing them to his mouth, kissing each of my knuckles. “Please let someone love you when I’m gone.” I remain quiet because I simply don’t know if that is something I can do. Because of David’s condition we have a different way of loving each other. I don’t know if I can do it the way other people do. With David, it’s safe. He touches me and I touch him. That’s how we connect. In the beginning, I thought maybe God made him the way he was just for me. But now I think God is angry and punishing me with the threat of taking him away. “Stop with the bible crap in your head, April. I know what you’r...

“You are right. My love for you will transcend. You’ll be loved even when I’m gone.”

I remember the first time I heard April speak without me being in the room. She’d been living with Kade and I for a few months and we had all settled into a new routine. April was studying at the kitchen table. I had convinced her to enroll in online college courses. I figured it was better than her not going at all. I would’ve liked for her to experience the normal college life, like I had. Sometimes circumstances don’t allow for that, so online was the next best thing. Anyhow, Kade was a freshman in high school. He came into my office after school and said a quick hello before rushing out to find April, wanting to fill her in on his day. One thing about April is that she is an incredibly good listener. Sometimes I would feel bad for talking her ear off, until one day, she told me how much she liked listening to our stories. She said all she had was her own voice for four years. To hear others was a luxury for her. After that, neither one of us ever held back. Kaden yelled, “Boo.” April squealed, which wasn’t so much a surprise, but what came next was. “Kaden, seriously, why do you have to constantly scare me? I peed my pants, butthead!” Then she stomped down the hall, slamming her bedroom door shut. Kaden came running into my office. “Did you hear that?” he said excitedly. “She spoke to me and you weren’t there! I knew I could get her to do it. I just knew it! She even called me a butthead!” We both went to her bedroom. I knocked on the door. “What?” came the angry reply...

Finals, then one more semester. Everything is on track for me to break out of there in May.” “Why do you make it sound like you’re serving a prison sentence?” I ask him, rubbing my hands together as my wife pushes a beautiful omelet in front of me. “Hey, no vegetables on mine,” he tells, her. She rolls her eyes. When she gets back to the stove, she tosses the veggies in despite his request. “It is like a prison sentence.” “It can’t be that bad,” April says. “And you’re getting vegetables.” He sticks his tongue out at her, reverting to his five-year-old self. “You both know what I want to do. I want to be a police officer like dad. I’m only doing this college gig to make you guys happy.” April turns away, so that we can’t see her concern. She doesn’t want him to follow in my footsteps. Honestly, I would have rather had him choose something else, but I get it. He wants to save the world, same as me. I have to remind myself he knows the risks involved. If it’s his passion, then he needs to go where that takes him. I’m glad he is getting a degree though. It will be something he can fall back on if he needs to. Something I didn’t have. “I’m sure you’ll make a fantastic police officer someday,” I say. He spins to me. “Do you really think so?” “I know so.” The smile on his face reminds me of when he was a boy desperately seeking my approval. He rises to give me a hug. April frowns our way. Kaden becoming a cop is the last thing she wants to see happen. “I want to be just like you...

“Were you dreaming about your dad last night?” she asks shyly, looking over her shoulder at me. My eyes fall closed. I did dream about him last night, but it didn’t feel like a dream. He was standing at the foot of our bed, a fishing pole in each of his hands. I stood, taking a few steps towards him. He stretched his arm out, offering me a pole. “I’ve found the best fishing hole, son. The fish are always biting.” His rich laugh echoed through the room before I woke with a start. When I open my eyes, April is silently crying. “You did, didn’t you?” I nod, wiping her tears away with my thumbs. “He’s ready to fish with me again.” “Like grandfather, like father, like son,” she whispers, turning back to her breakfast. Kaden quickly gets up to rinse his plate. He braces himself against the sink, muscles tense, his arms trembling. “I’m going to say this once and then from here on out we aren’t going to talk about it.” They both turn to face me. “We knew there would be a time when we’d have to face this head on. That time is now. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. I have no regrets. Not one. So, lets enjoy the time we have left. If you have to cry, cry. If you have something you need to say, say it but, we aren’t going to fight this. It’s happening. Okay?” They both nod in agreement. We take the time to do everything I spoke about in my little speech, leaving nothing left unsaid. When Kaden and I go to leave, I tell April that we are only going down to the pier. “If you change yo...

we return, the house is silent. I find April curled up on our bed, hugging my pillow, fast asleep. Her tiny fists are clutched around clouds of tissue. Oh, baby. Our love is both a blessing and a curse. The curse, falling in love with an older man, a sick one to boot. If she wouldn’t have grown up with a fanatically religious father, her life would have been so different. Yet, I can’t wish for it to be any other way; call me selfish, but I’m happy that April is in my life. I’m grateful she came into Kaden’s too. My first wife left Kaden and I when he was two. It destroyed me. I thought I would never be able to trust anyone with our hearts again. Then April materialized out of thin air. I hadn’t planned on letting anyone into our world, but she came in such an unexpected package. She snuck up on me. Before I realized what was happening, she had imbedded herself so far into my heart, there was no way of extracting her, unless I were to rip the bloody thing clean out. “Baby, it’s time to wake up. Our guests will be here soon.” My heart melts as her nose twitches before she raises her arms above her head in an exaggerated stretch. She reaches for me, wiggling her fingers. I laugh, hoisting myself up beside her, she hasn’t even opened her eyes yet. “Twenty minutes,” she whispers, her hands slowly creeping under my shirt. “Okay, baby, just for you. I think I can work my magic in twenty.” My arms brace either side of her head. She giggles but I quickly swallow it, turning it into...

“I’ll never give up on you, death won’t change that. I know, my little diamond in the rough will shine brighter tha...

We’ve had an amazing day. The sun was bright, the talk light, and the food delicious. Kaden has entertained us all day with his wild college tales. David glanced at me from time to time, wondering if I felt I had missed out by not living on campus. I don’t. I don’t regret one thing. I sat on his lap and whispered into his ear that I didn’t need a fumbling college guy when I had an old pro teaching me all the good stuff. He laughed and told me I was right. I know I’m right. David gave me more than any college experience ever could.

a strange feeling overcomes me. Have you ever watched the sand in an hourglass? When you get to that final bit of sand, doesn’t it seem to flow faster? “Teresa, Jeff, can you guys stick around?” David asks. Teresa looks at Jeff nervously but nods. “Thank you. Kade, April, and I are going to sit on the beach and watch the sun set. It would be good if you stayed.” Teresa hugs him. Jeff even embraces him. The atmosphere is void of oxygen as I swallow big gulps of air. Darkness encroaches on the edge of my vision as Kaden picks my husband up from his wheelchair. Teresa shoves a folded blanket in my hands, then places a hand firmly in the center of my back, pushing me to follow Kaden down the path to the beach. No. I don’t want to go. I don’t feel like watching the sun set. Actually, I don’t want it to set at all. Not today. Not tomorrow. I find myself running ahead to lay the blanket out. Why am I not stopping this? But the smile remains on my face. “It was an exceptionally beautiful day today, wasn’t it?” I hear myself say. No. No. Stop, this isn’t happening. “It was the best,” David replies as Kaden lays him gently on the blanket. “Come here, wife.” He rolls to his side and pats the spot in front of him. I lie down so we are both facing the ocean, my back pressed to his chest. Kaden lies down beside me, turning his face towards the waves. David drapes his arm over me, placing his hand on his son’s chest. The sun hovers over the horizon as if it too is unwilling to say goodby...

“When I was a little boy and my father passed away, my mother explained death to me. She said my father’s spirit had taken wings like a butterfly and left his body. Just like the butterfly leaves its cocoon. She said his soul ...

“I was fortunate. I’ve had a beautiful life.” We lie quietly, watching the sun set and what a spectacular one at that. It’s as if God spared no expense for the ending of this day. Every color of the rainbow is splattered across the darkening canvas. The water reflects the amazing view back to the heavens. The gentle ocean breeze rolls over us, ruffling Kaden’s hair. It’s so peaceful. This, this is why David and I moved here. Just as the final arch of the sun dips below the surface, a bright blue butterfly flits in front of us, landing on the edge of our blanket. “Dad. Dad, do you see the butterfly?” Kaden whisper-yells to David, unable to take his eyes off the winged creature. The butterfly flies in front of us, doing an impressive dance in the sky, as if it’s showing off his grand flying skills. “David, do you see it?” I ask, just as a chill courses through me at how still he is against my back. “Kaden,” the tinge of panic in my voice makes him sit up quickly. He rolls David onto his back, his arm sliding off of me as he does. I turn and stare down into my husband’s rich brown, lifeless eyes. We both turn to watch as the butterfly flies away from us. “No!” I scream, throwing myself over my husband. Not yet. Not yet. There is so much more to do. So much more to say. No! No! No! Kaden closes his father’s eyes for the last time.

Do something! We need to do CPR!” I’m frantically trying to position my husband so we can help him. Kaden pulls me into his lap. “Stop, April. He’s gone. He’s gone.” Kaden begins to rock us back and forth as I meekly fight him. Both of us cry like inconsolable children. We sit with David for a long time. Each of us reach out from time to time to touch him. His body grows cold fast… so fast. “I’m going to call Teresa,” he tells me as he gently pushes me off his lap to pull his phone out of his back pocket. She answers on the first ring. “He’s gone,” is all Kaden can get out. A few minutes later Teresa and Jeff are kneeling by our sides. “I called…” Teresa sniffles, trying to keep her voice calm, “the funeral home. They will be here to get him any minute.” That’s when my heart cracks, my mouth falls open, and the pain retches free from my lungs in a loud gasp. I jump to my feet, glancing around the empty beach. I don’t know what to do. I can’t let them take him. He can’t go with strangers to a strange place. No. This can’t be happening. Jeff wraps his arms around me. “Why don’t we go back to the house,” he says quietly. “I have something I can give you that will help.” Jeff is a doctor. A wonderful doctor. He brings life into this world. He’s an obstetrician. “I… I c-can’t l-leave,” I stutter. It’s so hard, so hard to speak. Maybe I’ll go back to the way I was. Will my words die with David? Kaden stands in front of me. “April, go with Jeff. I’ll stay. I’ll make sure they tak...

Leaning against the coffee maker is a letter with my name on it. It’s written in my husband’s handwriting. My heart thumps in my ears as I break out in a cold sweat. I grab it and hold it to my nose, hoping I can smell him on the paper. Dropping to the floor, I rip open the seal. Good morning, little diamond, You didn’t think I would leave you with nothing did you? So, here is what you are going to do on your first morning without me. First off, finish making the coffee. Put extra sugar in it. I have a confession to make. You know how you complained that my coffee was always better than yours, no matter how hard you tried to do it just like I did. Well, I added a spoonful of sugar when you weren’t looking. Sorry, not sorry. Hey, you loved it, but now you know… so don’t forget… one extra spoonful of sugar… every day. Okay, get busy on the coffee. When it’s done, continue reading. I laugh sadly and pick myself up off the floor. I make the coffee and add one extra spoonful like he said. I pick up the letter and continue to read. Take a nice long drink. Good, isn’t it? Lesson number one. My death did not take the goodness out of coffee. Don’t forget that. Anyhow, let’s move on. Open the door and take a step outside. I grab my cup and head out onto the front patio. It’s still dark outside, the sun still hiding its light and warmth from me. Have a seat, and let’s wait for the sun to rise. I hope you were able to sleep. Jeff told me he would take care of you the first n...

The next few days, weeks, months, will be tough for you. I know this. Later today, you will be receiving a box of letters. Letters for all the firsts you will have without me. There are other letters in there as well, don’t be greedy with them. They will not last forever but remember that you can read them over and over again. By the time the ink fades, I know in my heart you will have found peace. I haven’t left you. I will never leave you. I’m now in a position to watch over you and watch over you I shall. Do not doubt that. Sit, drink your coffee, and watch the new day begin. I’m watching with you and let me tell you it is a spectacular view. After that, your only mission for today is to watch over Kade. He will need you. Love, David I hold the letter to my chest and cry as the sun inches higher and higher above me. How lucky I am to have a husband like David. He’s looking out for me even though he is gone. What an amazing soul.

“Kade, I meant what I said about you not quitting school. You need to go back as soon as we get the funeral settled and everything wrapped up.” He grabs his orange juice and peers at me over the rim of the glass as he chugs it down. When he finishes, he wipes his mouth on his t-shirt and swivels, so he is facing me. “April, if I go back you have to promise me you will call if you need anything. No matter what time of day. No matter what… promise?” “Yeah, of course. I’ll be fine. My publisher wants me to do a few appearances. Just small local ones. I’m sure I’ll be busy. Don’t worry about me, Kaden. Just worry about finishing up school.” “You’ll send me the dates? Maybe I’ll be able to go. I think it’s great you published your story.” “Thanks to your Dad. I couldn’t have done it without him.”

“You know, Kade, I want to thank you for accepting me into your home all those years ago. Even when it meant I would be taking some of your dad’s attention away from you. Then, when our relationship changed and others questioned it, you never did. You’ve always supported me. Thank you for that. I know it couldn’t have been easy.” Kade gets up to start on the dishes. “I saw he loved you. He’s always loved you. How could I deny him that?” He leans against the counter as the sink fills. “I’ve met someone. She’s a sophomore, studying criminal justice.” “Oh, Kaden. I’m so happy for you. When do I get to meet her?” I jump up to give him a hug. “I don’t know, she’s very shy. I’ll try to convince her to come back with me on my next trip.” He wraps his arms around me. “I’ve got a question and I want an honest answer, because I’m scared to death over my feelings for her.” “What is it?” I stare up at him, concerned by the expression on his face. “Was it worth it? Was loving my dad worth it? Worth all the pain I see in your eyes right now.” I place my cheek against his chest. “It was worth it. No regrets, Kaden. I have no regrets.” He sighs loudly. “I love her. I was going to tell Dad, but now it’s too late. He will never know I found love. He will never meet her. Meet his grandchildren.” Kaden’s voice cracks as he hugs me tight. I keep my arms around him. “He’s watching us, Kade. He will know. He will see.”

There’s a knock on the door, so I step away from him to answer it. When I open the door, I find Giles standing on the patio with a large box in his arms. He gives me a sad smile. “Teresa called me this morning. I’m so sorry, April.” I hold the door open for him and he steps inside, placing the box down on the coffee table. “Um, David asked me to bring this when… well, you know.” He nervously wipes his hands down the front of his pants. “He did mention a box of letters showing up today.” As I step towards him, he pulls me into his arms harshly. “April, god, I don’t even know how to act. I’m so sorry,” he says again. I return his hug. “It’s okay. I don’t think any of us know how to act. David always kept us all moving forward. Now I don’t know. I just don’t know.” I break away from him and plop down on the couch, gawking at the box. Kaden joins us, they shake hands and hug while I continue my stare down with the box. Kaden sits down beside me. “Is this the box?” he asks Giles. The surprise on my face makes Kade laugh. “We’re all in on it, you know?” he teases. I scowl at him. “In on what?” “You know Dad is going to pester you the rest of your life, yeah?” he jokes. Ignoring him, I open the box to find what looks like a highly organized system. Some have dates for opening them, some are for firsts without him, some are simply when you are feeling down letters. I close the box, not wanting to share anything inside with anyone. I’ll look at them later, when I’m alone.

“Your dad was the best partner I ever had.” Giles sits back and runs his fingers through his greying hair. “Helping people was his gift to the world.” His gaze shifts from Kaden to me. “David once told me that he looked at helping people as his way of sending ripples of goodness out into the world. He said helping one person could lead to helping hundreds, if not thousands.” “Would you like something to drink, Giles? You must think I’m a terrible host.” I stand up, but he grabs my hand and pulls me down to sit beside him. “I read your book. Your words are going to help others like you,” he says, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “I know I wasn’t very understanding when David announced you two were getting married, but I get it now. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable, I just had a hard time understanding. I understand now.” “I loved him, Giles. I… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come to terms with the fact that he was in that mall because of me.” “He was in that mall because he wanted to show a young girl a little sunshine. It’s not your fault that God placed him there. That was where he would have been regardless. If not for you then it would have been another reason, but don’t doubt that he was meant to be there.” “I miss him so much,” I cry, throwing myself into his arms. “Don’t you worry. You’ll get through this. You are stronger than you know; you are the girl who survived four years locked in a basement. You will survive this too.” “I don’t kno...

I’m walking around in a daze. Feeling a bit like a pin ball. Bouncing from one thing to the next, trying to stay in the game but knowing at any minute I will fall between the paddles and drop down into the dark, cold pit of despair. “Mrs. Langston?” I glance up. Everyone in the room is staring at me. “Yes, sorry. Did I miss something?” I ask, rubbing my temple. “Your husband made a special request for you to sing at his service,” the funeral home director tells me. I blink at him a few times before letting my gaze peruse over Kaden, Teresa, and Jeff. “You must be joking.” “No. See right here.” He pushes a sheet of paper listing all the songs David had picked for his service. He left nothing much for us to do. Everything is planned, all we had to do was pick a time and date. He taps his finger beside my favorite song. Penciled in, in my husband’s handwriting it says vocals by April Langston. “I don’t sing. Why would he want me to sing at his funeral?” I ask the room. Everyone shrugs. He must have heard you sing if he requested it, April,” Jeff says. “I can’t sing. No. I especially can’t sing at his funeral. He is asking too much.” I push the paper away and rise from the table, leaving them all behind as I rush outside. I need fresh air. The funeral home director runs to catch up with me as I’m getting ready to cross the street. “Mrs. Langston! Mrs. Langston, please I have something for you.” I stop along the curb and wait for him; he is panting by the time he reaches me. He...

Dearest April, How far did you get before the funeral home director caught up to you? I glance around nervously. I’m here, but I’m not here. I don’t write these letters to mess with your mind. I write them because I know you so well. Anyhow, I asked the director to give you this letter if you denied my request. Which I knew you more than likely would. I’ve never told you this and I’m not sure why, I guess it was because I felt you had so much pressure on your shoulders to speak that asking you to sing seemed cruel. Anyhow, I never told you how I found you. We had cleared your father’s compound and were doing recon work. I was in your father’s office going through files when I heard a girl singing. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. Giles and I followed the sound to the basement but found nothing. We were just about to leave when I heard the sweet melody again. Your voice led me to you. I couldn’t make out the words you were singing, but it was your voice that captivated me. I need that now, April. I want you to sing for me so my soul can find you. Sing at my funeral, let our friends and family hear your voice. Let them hear what I heard all those years ago. Then don’t stop. Sing in the shower, sing on the beach, just sing. Please, for me. I’m afraid my soul will flit around looking for you if you do not do this for me. Sing your favorite song. You’ve always loved that one. I was sure at some point I would catch you singing along when it played on the rad...

I was getting ready to head out the door when David’s partner, Giles, pulled up in my driveway. My heart dropped to my stomach and I had to hold the doorframe to keep myself upright. He was pretty choked up as well, so we kept the exchange short. He asked me to sit with him and his wife at the service. I hadn’t planned on going. I mean, I guess I didn’t think I should. But Giles told me David was adamant I be there. He was great. The best of the best. One of those guys you meet, and you know instantly he is an honorable man. Our first meeting was a little awkward. I contacted David not knowing he was married to April. I had been one of the lucky few who had received an advanced copy of her memoir from her publisher. The story of the girl in the basement. I thought reading it would help my obsession, but all it did was dump fuel on the fire. So, I set out to find her. I got nowhere. That was when I decided to find the officer who found April locked in the basement. When I finally got a number for him, I was ecstatic. I was sure he would be able to help me find her. He agreed to meet me at the White Glass Lounge. When he arrived, I told him my story, told him who I was and why it was so important to locate her. April was my muse, and I needed her. I still need her. Looking back, I’m surprised he didn’t punch me in the nose first and ask questions later. He listened quietly, and then he smiled. I poured my heart and soul out to this man, and then he told me April was his wife...

He never introduced her and I. Last Friday was the first time I ever saw her. She walked into the bar and it was like all of time stopped. David looked towards the door as soon as it opened, like he could sense her before she even arrived. Their eyes met and the love I witnessed made my heart clench painfully. I watched their interaction with fascination and a longing in my soul. Then she stood right next to me, waiting for the waitress to take her payment. David selected her favorite song on the jukebox, and I gently nudged her arm, telling her it looked like someone was waiting for a dance. She didn’t even look my way. Her eyes were solely on him. I trembled at her nearness, scared I would do or say the wrong thing. It wasn’t our time, it was theirs. David only allowed me that glimpse as a way of showing me the stakes. When we spoke the next morning by phone, he told me if I want her to look at me the same way she looked at him, it will take a lot of work and patience. I’m willing to do that. I am. You’re thinking I’m a stalker, aren’t you? You’re wondering why in the world would David ever go along with this. Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I’m not sure if April will ever love me like she does David. Maybe she won’t even like me. But no risk, no reward. I have to try. Something happened during all of this that I didn’t expect. I started to look at David as a father figure. I evidently needed him as much as I thought I needed her....

service is being held in a local high school gymnasium. He was loved by many. He was a hero, after all. A few weeks into our friendship, we realized he had even been my hero. He was one of the officers who was first to arrive on the scene of the car accident I’d been in. I don’t remember much of that day, only the voice of a man telling me to be strong, to hold on. It was David’s voice. When I described my accident, he paled and told me he had been called to the scene. He said Giles flagged traffic while he sat with me and tried to keep me calm until the paramedics arrived. It’s one thing April and I have in common. David was a champion for the both of us.