All Your Firsts Without Me

by L.M. Terry

I will wilt after he leaves. He is my sun.

I love this man so much. I don’t care that our marriage is unconventional. I don’t care he is twenty-four years older than me. He is my soulmate. His sunshine saved me from the dark.

“Your eyes are filled with sunshine and happiness. Everybody else’s are filled with pity and morbid curiosity.”

I let my tears fall freely as he makes love to me like it’s our last time.

“Please let someone love you when I’m gone.”

“You are my soulmate, David. I don’t need anyone else. You’ve given me enough love to last a lifetime.”

“You are right. My love for you will transcend. You’ll be loved even when I’m gone.”

If I have to, I will stay awake forever, to ensure he doesn’t slip away from me.

“I’ll never give up on you, death won’t change that. I know, my little diamond in the rough will shine brighter than the brightest star in the sky.”

“When I was a little boy and my father passed away, my mother explained death to me. She said my father’s spirit had taken wings like a butterfly and left his body. Just like the butterfly leaves its cocoon. She said his soul had been set free.” He pauses and kisses the back of my head.

It’s as if God spared no expense for the ending of this day. Every color of the rainbow is splattered across the darkening canvas. The water reflects the amazing view back to the heavens.

the surface, a bright blue butterfly flits in front of us, landing on the edge of our blanket.

This isn’t my David.

Leaning against the coffee maker is a letter with my name on it. It’s written in my husband’s handwriting.

You are going to think I’m hallucinating and maybe I am, but a butterfly has landed on David’s casket. It flits to my left and as I turn my head following it, a man kneels down beside me. The big yellow butterfly dances over his head for a moment before flying away.

It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

“He left me. Everyone leaves me,” she says staring past my shoulder. “He left me, and it’s dark and cold.” She releases her hold on the bedding in her arms, hugging herself. “He fucking left me alone.”

“It hurts too much. Everything hurts. Living hurts.”

He was the glue that held all my broken bits together. And each time a piece of me started to fall off, he glued it back together with his warm hands and calm voice. Now, I have nothing. Just things. I need him. I need him. I need him.

The thing is, most would consider special days to be holidays, weddings, and first dates, but it’s the regular days that are the most special.

“Um, I promise I’m not stalking you.”

His fingers brush against mine as I take it from him, sending a little ripple up my spine.

“He set me up,” she screams, startling Lucky. The dog runs away from her, darting into my bedroom. She stares after her. She shakes her head back and forth. “You know what? Keep the dog. Keep your songs. Keep your pizza. I’m… I’m done.”

“I didn’t expect to see this. It seems I’m not the only one who drew from your strength.”

Today I’m saved yet again. By another man. Not better, not lesser, but equally as good.

It’s ironic that the very place I met him is the place where I finally feel strong enough to say goodbye.

David’s saying goodbye. Letter by letter, he’s letting go, while helping me do the same.

I am the preface. The beginning of a beautiful love story, but unfortunately my chapters are short and limited. But her love story is far from over, I know this, I feel it deep inside my heart.

Love doesn’t end with death. It continues to live in those goddamn pebbles, it never ends.

Westin is sitting beside me. He just handed me a napkin. He’s been my rock these past few days. The end is near. But I have a few more pebbles to throw.

“You’ll look back on this day and you’ll thank your lucky stars for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.” “I love you, man, but your cryptic way of speaking is lost on me.”

His jeans ride up at his ankle and it’s then I notice he has a prosthetic leg.

“Don’t get dressed on my account.”

It doesn’t erase all the kisses we shared. It doesn’t alter the past; it only enhances the future.

“Thank you for always looking out for me. You were the best thing to ever happen to me.” I press my forehead to the cool stone. “It’s been six months, so I need to get ready to go to the White Glass, just like I promised. I love you, forever and always.”

April rubs her finger lovingly over the bright blue butterfly on the bottle.

Can you see this, David? Your little diamond is shining so bright tonight. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Our scars are a part of us, sure. But they don’t define us.

“Thank you, for being patient with me. I know I’m not easy,” I murmur quietly, laying my head against his chest. “The best things never are,” he says.

“Anyhow, I think I love him. It’s so different from what you and I have, yet it’s the same. I feel safe with him.”

I open my eyes, going cross-eyed at the butterfly sitting right on the tip of my nose.

Westin, chuckles. “Pebbles. David always talked about pebbles. He used to call you his most precious one.”

“I won’t let you fall apart.” His lips brush over my temple.

“What I can do is promise to love you until one of us is called home.”

I pick up my phone, and as I do, I realize how Westin has become my person. The person I want to share my news with. Good, bad, everything, I want to share everything with him.

“Your mom looked for me?” she asks.

“She saved me. She’s the one who alerted the authorities. She’s the reason David was there that day.”

“Look mama, look daddy. It’s a butterfly!”