All Your Firsts Without Me

by L.M. Terry

she is different. She won’t let the wind carry her anywhere.

April was mistaken for an ordinary pebble. Everyone overlooked her and brushed her to the side. Everyone but me. I saw the glimmer shining beneath the dirt, the neglect, the hurt. I polished her with time, love, and encouragement. Now you cannot mistake her for what she is… a diamond.

I will wilt after he leaves. He is my sun.

I think back to when Kaden and I met. He was fourteen and I was eighteen.

I love this man so much. I don’t care that our marriage is unconventional. I don’t care he is twenty-four years older than me. He is my soulmate. His sunshine saved me from the dark.

“You are my sunshine. Without you, I cannot bloom,”

Yes, I know he is on dialysis, yes, I know that can’t last forever, and yes, I know he’s not a viable candidate for a transplant due to his paraplegia.

He showed me unconditional love with absolutely no strings attached.

He healed me, and now he is going to destroy me.

“You don’t need to hide your sadness from him, April. Your tears show him how much your love spills over. It’s okay. Don’t hide, please don’t hide. That’s not what I mean by being strong.

You are worthy of love. You just have to be brave enough to let someone else in.

Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need, how to love you.”

She said all she had was her own voice for four years. To hear others was a luxury for her.

“I’ll never give up on you, death won’t change that. I know, my little diamond in the rough will shine brighter than the brightest star in the sky.”

Lesson number one. My death did not take the goodness out of coffee. Don’t forget that.

Lesson number two. You can breathe. Breathe deeply every day. Sometimes, this will be all that you can do. That’s fine. It will take time, but always, always, remember to breathe.

“Was it worth it? Was loving my dad worth it? Worth all the pain I see in your eyes right now.”

I was going to tell Dad, but now it’s too late. He will never know I found love. He will never meet her. Meet his grandchildren.”

he looked at helping people as his way of sending ripples of goodness out into the world. He said helping one person could lead to helping hundreds, if not thousands.”

“The pain you feel now will turn into strength for the future.”

I’m so tired until I lie down, then I’m wide awake.

it’s okay to say no.

I glance around, feeling more at home with the quiet of the dead than I do in the hustle and bustle of the living.

When I get in the driver seat of April’s car, my legs are immediately cramped. “Good grief, April. How short are your legs?”

“It hurts too much. Everything hurts. Living hurts.”

He was the glue that held all my broken bits together. And each time a piece of me started to fall off, he glued it back together with his warm hands and calm voice. Now, I have nothing. Just things. I need him. I need him. I need him.

that. He saw me. And believe me it couldn’t have been easy. I had buried myself so far down, I don’t know if the devil or God himself could have found me.

I had buried myself so far down, I don’t know if the devil or God himself could have found me.

If that’s all you can do right now is live, that is okay.

the news comes on. I watch, thinking about life outside these walls. It’s going on, not missing a beat. It’s not fair. The world should have stopped when he did.

Most people give a generic response. We are trained from a young age to do that.

my mind knows but my heart doesn’t care… it wants him. Yearns for him. It hurts so much I think I’ll die from the pain.”

I don’t look at Lucky as a dog with special needs. She needs the same things I need.

That’s life. You will have bad days and you will have good ones. The key is to accept both equally.

I don’t know if you realize how much people need you.

most would consider special days to be holidays, weddings, and first dates, but it’s the regular days that are the most special.

Your dad thought photos were vain. They aren’t. He lied. They are the pause button on wonderful moments. Enjoy them.

“All we own in this life are our memories.”

“I’d like to tell you it gets easier, and I guess it does. He’ll be with you everywhere. In everything you see, in all that you read.” He nudges the book, while still holding her hand. “But don’t let those memories overshadow the people and things that are still here.”

It was accidental.” Or was it inevitable?

everything is now a “used to be”

Social media makes me break out in hives.”

He is really sexy—I mean, cute. If you’re into that sort of thing. You know, dark hair, green eyes, and a smile that could melt the polar ice caps.

I’m going to hell for sure. It would probably be worth it.

“Life goes on. It’s okay to make new memories.”

Dear Girl in the Basement, Thank you for giving me the courage to tell my mom that my coach was hurting me. Love, Leslie

Girl in the Basement, You gave me the courage to leave my abusive husband. Love, A battered wife

Dear Girl in the basement, You gave me hope to beat my addiction. Love, A dad, three years sober

Today I’m saved yet again. By another man. Not better, not lesser, but equally as good.

We go through life being handed pebbles. We carry these with us but at some point, you have toss them into the water to help someone else.