All Your Firsts Without Me

by L.M. Terry

I love this man so much. I don’t care that our marriage is unconventional. I don’t care he is twenty-four years older than me. He is my soulmate. His sunshine saved me from the dark.

“Why won’t you talk when I’m not around?” “You are my sunshine. Without you, I cannot bloom,” she answers shyly. She’s a bit of a poet. I’m slowly learning to decipher her way of communicating. “Sweetheart, you have to learn to speak when I’m not around.”

He’s healed me in so many ways. I can’t even begin to tell you everything this man has done for me. Tears fall hot down my cheeks, the breeze cooling them before they reach my chin. He healed me, and now he is going to destroy me. Sure, I put on a brave face but deep down I know I cannot survive without him. Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve secretly been hiding two narcotic pain pills each time he gets a new script. They give me peace of mind. I’m afraid when he’s gone, I’ll be forced back into the dark and there will only be one way out. Those tablets are my portal back to him. I hope I won’t need them but how can I know. I haven’t had to live without him since I was sixteen. He makes me promise him daily I will keep moving forward. I have good intentions when I make those vows. I do. I really do. I want to be strong and live for him. I’ll try. I will.

“April, you know why dad called me home, don’t you?” He tips my chin so he can look into my eyes. “Because he missed you?” I ask on a hiccup. He shakes his head sorrowfully. “He knows the time is near.” I stare at him for a pregnant minute before jumping to my feet. “No. He’s wrong. The doctors have said nothing of the sort. He could live for years and years on dialysis. He’s wrong. Goddammit, he’s wrong!”

“Please let someone love you when I’m gone.” I remain quiet because I simply don’t know if that is something I can do. Because of David’s condition we have a different way of loving each other. I don’t know if I can do it the way other people do. With David, it’s safe. He touches me and I touch him. That’s how we connect. In the beginning, I thought maybe God made him the way he was just for me. But now I think God is angry and punishing me with the threat of taking him away. “Stop with the bible crap in your head, April. I know what you’re thinking. You are worthy of love. You just have to be brave enough to let someone else in. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need, how to love you.”

“You are my soulmate, David. I don’t need anyone else. You’ve given me enough love to last a lifetime.” He doesn’t argue. He closes his eyes. I stare at his beautiful face for a long time until sleep tugs at my own lids, forcing them shut. As I’m drifting off, he whispers, “You are right. My love for you will transcend. You’ll be loved even when I’m gone.”

“I never thought I would have a sexual life after my accident. Thank you for giving me that.” “Thank you for never giving up on me,” she whispers. “I’ll never give up on you, death won’t change that. I know, my little diamond in the rough will shine brighter than the brightest star in the sky.” She runs her fingers over my cheek. “You’ve been the best husband.”

“When I was a little boy and my father passed away, my mother explained death to me. She said my father’s spirit had taken wings like a butterfly and left his body. Just like the butterfly leaves its cocoon. She said his soul had been set free.” He pauses and kisses the back of my head. “What a beautiful way to teach a child about death. You were lucky to have such a wonderful mother,” I tell him, my hand rubbing over his arm lovingly. “I was fortunate. I’ve had a beautiful life.”

The gentle ocean breeze rolls over us, ruffling Kaden’s hair. It’s so peaceful. This, this is why David and I moved here. Just as the final arch of the sun dips below the surface, a bright blue butterfly flits in front of us, landing on the edge of our blanket. “Dad. Dad, do you see the butterfly?” Kaden whisper-yells to David, unable to take his eyes off the winged creature. The butterfly flies in front of us, doing an impressive dance in the sky, as if it’s showing off his grand flying skills. “David, do you see it?” I ask, just as a chill courses through me at how still he is against my back. “Kaden,” the tinge of panic in my voice makes him sit up quickly. He rolls David onto his back, his arm sliding off of me as he does. I turn and stare down into my husband’s rich brown, lifeless eyes.

“If you think that’s crazy. I recently had a pet squirrel.” I tip my head. “And?” “And what?” “What was his name?” “Cracker,” she laughs, shaking her head. “He probably wonders where I went.” I can almost see the thoughts racing through her head. There’s more to this story. Please tell me. I want to know everything. “I… I had a hard time leaving David. I kinda moved out to the cemetery for a bit. Cracker kept me company.” My heart breaks right the fuck in half.

Today I’m saved yet again. By another man. Not better, not lesser, but equally as good.

David lived with grace. I don’t know if I understood that word until today. “Thank you for showing me grace,” I whisper. I press my forehead to the wall and cry. It’s ironic that the very place I met him is the place where I finally feel strong enough to say goodbye. Powerful arms wrap around me, pulling me to my feet. Westin turns me into his warm chest. I grip his shirt in my fists. He lets me cry. He lets me cry. He lets me cry.

throw, the more ripples you create. Live long and live well my beautiful pebble. It’s time for me to let you go. Love forever and a day, David I hug Lucky to my chest as she licks my face. David’s saying goodbye. Letter by letter, he’s letting go, while helping me do the same.

I am the preface. The beginning of a beautiful love story, but unfortunately my chapters are short and limited. But her love story is far from over, I know this, I feel it deep inside my heart.

I follow Westin over to hang it on the bar’s famous wall of photos. He gives me the side eye as he tapes it up. “So, what were we toasting?” he asks curiously. “Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.” He laughs, but I give him a stern look. “What?” He raises an eyebrow. “You’ll look back on this day and you’ll thank your lucky stars for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.” “I love you, man, but your cryptic way of speaking is lost on me.”

It doesn’t erase all the kisses we shared. It doesn’t alter the past; it only enhances the future.

“The three of us are like some sort of weird love triangle.” He shakes his head. “I loved him, April. I still love him. Don’t ever think you can’t talk about him. I’m not jealous. I’m so goddamn thankful you had him.”

“If I could make that promise I would, April. I really would, but no one can predict how long we have.” He turns me to face him. “What I can do is promise to love you until one of us is called home.” I hate how desperate I feel inside. He cradles my face in his big hands, his thumbs brushing lightly over my cheeks. “You’re the first woman besides my mother that I’ve loved, April. Please don’t push me away. I want to love you. Please let me love you.” Tremors wrack my body. “P-please d-don’t leave me.”

I pick up my phone, and as I do, I realize how Westin has become my person. The person I want to share my news with. Good, bad, everything, I want to share everything with him.