There You'll Find Me

by Jenny B. Jones

He shrugged. “So you don’t care to sit by me. And you don’t want my autograph. What is it you do want, Finley Sinclair?” Some peace. Some healing. To hear God’s voice again.

An assignment that could change my life? Sign me up.

“There’s nothing you’re searching for that can’t be found in Ireland—God, good music, beautiful landscapes, wonderful food, maybe even parts of yourself. You just have to be brave enough to look.”

I remembered the scripture beneath the picture of the cliffs in Will’s journal. “Lord, Your faithful love reaches to heaven, Your faithfulness to the skies.”

“It’s like God painted it himself, then spun it into motion.”

“This is Ireland, Finley. It’s rough. It’s wild. And it is holy.”

“I, um, I thought I’d have a little time with God before we started.” That made me sound so mature. So holy. Never mind that only one of us had showed up to the divine meeting.

I sat back and watched as the family smiled at one another. Finished each other’s sentences. Laughed before the punch line arrived. And it made me miss my family. The way we were. Before we changed. Before we were one less. God, it’s so unfair. Why would you pick my family to tear apart? Why take my brother? Why not some loser on death row? Some child abuser who deserves it. My brother was good. He was kind. He lived every day for you. And for what?

“I’ll do that.” As I pedaled away, I thought how back home, we threw out invitations and knew it was just polite talk. In Ireland? It meant I’d better see you at my house soon.

At least that was the theory. And since I came up with it in a church, surely it was inspired by God.

“He’s also a total player and wild as the Irish wind.”

From the pit of my soul, the place where the bleakness crouched low. Where the week’s anxieties gathered like the calories, the music began.

“Are they playing hymns or something?” She put some new sheet music in front of me. “Depends on who’s doing the listening.”

“You’re trying too hard.” Beckett sang off-key in my ear. “Don’t overthink it.” I assumed he was talking about the dancing, but it might as well have been the advice for every part of my life. The more I thought, the foggier things became. So I just let go.

“Mistakes happen. We all get in situations where we do things we regret. But she’s more than those mistakes.”

Ireland was not the easiest place to maintain a diet.

“I can’t do this. I don’t know how to . . . just live a normal day.” “So your normal got changed. You will survive this.” “You don’t understand.” “Then tell me.” How? “I’ve done some stupid things. And I thought I had it under control. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, just to fix things. To make it all okay. To make this black feeling go away once and for all. But it hasn’t. And I don’t think it ever will.” “You’re still convinced God doesn’t hear you?” “Would my life be such a mess if he did?” “If you’re doing it all your way, yes.”

Closing your heart to God and the rest of the world won’t fill those raw places. It just makes more room for Satan to settle in your heart. Makes his lies easier to believe—that you’re not worthy, that God doesn’t truly care.

“He says, ‘I’m here. Waiting. When you’re ready to trust what you know . . . and not what you feel.’”

Be a victory story. Don’t be just another life claimed by that bomb, left in the ashes beneath the rubble of that school.

I played my guts out, praying the music would heal one girl and one woman from their heavy sprits, their hollowed hearts.

“Needs hope.” Eyes closed, tears slipped down her alabaster cheeks. “For me . . . please.” Her hand reached for mine. “Find your hope.”

“I know. It’s stunning.” “It’s . . .” I took a few steps, hardly able to take it all in. “Holy. It’s holy and reverent.”

“‘Nay, in all these things’ . . .” He paused and squinted. “‘We are more than conquerors through him that loved us.’” My hand automatically reached out and pressed against the letters. “Romans 8:37.” Tears pooled in my eyes. “It’s my verse.”

Goose bumps danced on my arms, and I knew I was in one of those moments God had designed just for me.

I wanted to do what would honor Will the most, not chase another patch for this heart.