The Apology Project

by Jeanette Escudero

That’s how therapy works. You figure out what role you played in the situation and you take accountability for it.

I could not cut myself in two and make everyone happy.

So you can see why I’m not too eager to jump into a new relationship. I’m not Cinderella, and there’s no Prince Charming. There are women and there are men. There is affection and maybe even love, and then, if you’re lucky, you find someone with similar interests, and you live contentedly ever after.

The thing is, I like myself enough to not settle for contentment. I’d rather stay single and do the things I love without having to compromise anything for someone else.

And I will not be blinded by money because when I had none, I didn’t settle, and now that I have a lot, I have even more reason to be particular...

I also wish I had companionship, someone with whom to share funny stories and hold hands w...

I roll my eyes. “I’m not sixteen, and that girl needs to toughen up. If she’s hiding out at sixteen for a boy, what’s going to happen to her at twenty when her boyfriend’s in her bed screwing another girl?”

Gemini vibes, sounds just like me🥹💕💕

“Being sad doesn’t make you weak.”

Exactly💪🏼🥹

Maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. “I’m giving them the apology they deserve. Maybe it’ll fix things.” “But who or what is it you’re trying to fix, honey? You or them?” Hmph. It’s for me. “I’m doing this for me.” “Then does it really matter if people accept your apology?” Even if doors get slammed in my face, it doesn’t matter. I may deserve some of it, after all.

When you spend every waking moment of your life thinking of work, there’s no space for cooking lessons, walking, relationships, inner peace. There’s just the constant hum of stress.

I just say what I have to say, and I try and say it from a good place. If it hurts the other person, it’s on them, not on me. So I don’t dissect it later because I don’t regret most things I do.”

“Babe, I’m definitely not the best person to give you advice on how to be easygoing and friendly, but I can tell you this: all you can do is be cool with yourself. If

the thing with Margret is weighing heavily on you, then call her up and do something about it. If you did your best by her and you’re good in your soul, then stop thinking about it and move on.”

I’m willing to say I’m sorry even if I wasn’t completely at fault because sometimes you just have to admit you played some role in the mess, even if you can’t pinpoint what that role was. It’s irrelevant.

“Nah, I wasn’t lonely. Regretful is more like it.”

“Hey,” he says, and leans over and kisses me briefly on the lips, but it’s formal and not John-like at all. I’m glad he’s here—we need to talk—but I don’t want to have this conversation with Nina around.

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

“Normally I do hate to be disturbed when I’m swamped, but I wouldn’t be upset if you asked to spend time with me for once. You could call me and ask me to lunch or dinner. The phone works both ways, you know.”

I need this kind of man in my life, I swear🥺😍❤️

“You’re right. I’m sorry, I’m kind of new to this dating thing. Look at us, two middle-aged adults who—” I freeze. His mouth is agape. “What?” He looks around the restaurant, alarmed, and now I start looking around too. For what, I have no idea. “What?” I repeat louder, startled.

🤣🤣🤣caught me off guard tho

“Just checking if there’s a flying pig around,” he says, and my brows furrow in confusion. “Or if hell has frozen over or—” “What are you talking about?” “You apologized. That’s two times you’ve apologized to me now. Last time you apologized, you had been drinking with your sister before I arrived. But this time you’re stone-cold sober and the words I’m sorry actually came out of your mouth, so I’m just checking to see if the Earth’s axis shifted or—” I toss my paper napkin at him and try to hold in a laugh.

😂😂😂

I think that’s what I like most about John; it’s easy with him. I am the one who makes it complicated with my worrying. He, on the other hand, is in the present. He’s not thinking (as far as I know) about all the possible reasons he and I may not work out.

Relatable😩😩

He felt like giving me a kiss, and he simply did. I’ve never met a man like him before.

😍😍😩😩

I’ve come to realize that there are people in life who deserve an apology, and there are some who do not. But then there are special people who, whether they do or they don’t, it doesn’t really matter.

It’s because there are things that have come to be more important than perfection. Building meaningful relationships, for instance.

Thank you is the antithesis of sorry. It’s easy to say and only brings joy to people. I need to say it more often.

I’m so disappointed in John,

Me too🥺💔

John doesn’t come to me. That brief moment of solidarity is gone. John may be standing next to me. He may have developed feelings for me. But his job is still his priority, and he’s going to sit and talk to Junior when I leave, and they are going to discuss the case, and, if he has to choose me or his career, there is no doubt in my mind that John will choose his career. And then when this is all over, he’s going to call me and try to win me back and make excuses, and I’ll just take him back—or at least, that’s what he thinks will happen. A few months ago, sadly, I’d have chosen the job too.

Why did John hide it from us?😪

I will not cry. I will not cry.

Gurllll, I’m already crying😭😭 so heartbroken and embarrassed for us

He does look torn, though. I’ll give him credit for that.

It’s as if all the emotions I haven’t felt in twenty years are all coming out right this second.

Even as the elevator doors close, I hold out hope that it was all a dream or a misunderstanding. But it’s reality. John watches me as I watch him, sadness in both our eyes as the doors close and then he’s gone.

😭😭😭😭

Not all love stories end with a big gesture of love. Some just end.

Better to find out now than when I’m truly invested, although I fear it’s too late for that.

“Oh, uh . . . well, that seems a little extreme, but I guess it’s also better than storming into the courtroom with a bat.”

Love our bestie, Luanne😂❤️

“Nothing you’ve done is stupid. You’re only trying to do right by everyone. You have such a good heart. Don’t let a spineless prick let you question yourself, honey.”

It’s already on the news all the time, and if I see John on the news, too, I’ll probably break the flat-screen. I need a change of scenery. I need to think.”

Truly will break the tv if I see John 🥺

“Don’t you get it? My problem with Junior was about the Phoebe case. I don’t have to tell you that what you and Junior want to do to the victims is screwed up. It’s evil. It’s wrong. I shouldn’t have to tell you to have integrity. You should just know.”

Yes girl, u tell him how dirty he is!!!!😩😩😩

“No, John. I don’t want you to do anything. You can choose to stay exactly as you are. You can keep doing everything like you’ve been doing it. I just don’t have to be part of it. I was wrong. This rule about not talking about work, it was wrong. This shit about apologizing to everyone, it’s stupid.

I’m always going to be me. I’m going to be assertive. I’m going to get in your face. I’m going to yell and curse, and sometimes I might hurt other people’s feelings.”

The man I choose to be with should know what I stand for. He should stand for the same thing, and I should not have to apologize for that.”

I don’t know if he means me or the case, but it doesn’t matter. “I won’t cause you any more additional stress.”

“Don’t break up with me, sweetheart.” He reaches for my hand, and it feels so familiar and safe, but it’s also a big farce because I’ve lost so much respect for him after what happened at the office. “Forget Marc. Forget the case. It’s almost over, and then we can move on and I’ll take cases that—” “Stop. Just stop. It’s over.” I swallow and let go of his hand. “I can’t keep doing this.” “You’re just going to walk away?” “I’m going on a trip.” “What?” His eyes are wild. “I booked a trip. I don’t want to be here while the trial’s happening. It’ll be good for me, but I think it’ll be good for you too. You can focus on that and not have to think of me and my big opinions while you’re working.” “Once the case is over—” “No!” I yell because he’s not listening to me. I want to grab him and shake him and make him understand. He reaches for me,

but I sidestep him. “You’re wrong!” Tears start spilling out. “Once the case is over, it’ll be worse! There’s a little part of me that still believes you’ll do the right thing. But if you don’t—I think I can’t ever look you in the face again.”

Sometimes people are just evil bitches who deserve to be called out, and no number of apologies or niceties will make them less

bitchy. I feel completely okay with this decision.

Every time I think about him, I get angry at him and at myself for getting so emotionally attached. When I get home, I crawl into bed, and William curls into me and purrs. I may not be able to share this sense of accomplishment with John, but it’s okay. William is happy for me too.

Another thing I learned throughout my Apology Project is that the apologies have to mean something; they have to be genuine and specific.

Maybe I’ll never have the things I thought I wanted, but at least the people I love are getting their happily ever afters. And it turns out the things I thought I wanted have changed.

So true💯

But JJF doesn’t give a shit. They’re suing me. Oh, and also, I punched Junior in the face, so I was arrested.”

Omg did our man did that for us😍😍😭😭

“He said something offensive about the woman I love, and that’s not something I take lightly.” My heart. Oh God, I can’t take it. “The woman you love?” “Millie, you should have told me why you left the firm. I thought you and Junior just didn’t get along. You have to know I would not have accepted him talking to you that way. Talking to any woman that way. And you must know I would never represent Phoebe the way Junior wanted you to. No way would I do that to any victim!” “You know I couldn’t, John. If I could, I would have.” “Turns out, Junior isn’t such a stickler for the confidentiality agreement. He said you quit because, and I quote, ‘She’s a weak woman who probably likes it rough in the bedroom just like the plaintiffs in the case. Once she gets it rough, she gets embarrassed and yells rape just to save face.’”

OMG CANT BELIEVE HE STOOD UP FOR US😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

“Amelia, babe, please shut up and let me finish.” “Oh. Please. Proceed.” “Amelia Montgomery, my love, from the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry.” “I accept!” I say and kiss him hard, but he’s apparently not done. “You don’t even know the extent of it. Let me finish.” “Oh, okay. Go ahead.” “You were right. Phoebe didn’t deserve to be represented, and that’s a tough thing to admit. Those women shouldn’t be used as pawns for him to get away with those despicable actions. And lastly, I filed a formal bar complaint against Marc.” “We can leverage that to get you out of the lawsuit,” I add. “So you’ll help me?” “Of course I will.” “You should know, before you decide to take me back, that I’m currently unemployed and will probably be homeless when my savings run out. Hopefully you have cheap legal rates.”