Will They, Won't They?

by Portia MacIntosh

WILL THEY, WON’T THEY? PORTIA MACINTOSH

*SIGH* After the last book I read, I need me some Portia MacIntosh to restore the world to rights.

As much as we all love Roy, the aunties love to tease my mum over the fact he’s five years younger than her, not that the age gap is even detectable, given that they’re both in their sixties.

The ages of the characters are a bit all over the place in this story. The Grand-dad who just died was 88. His twin daughters are not far off 70. Which means he was likely expecting them when he was 17. In his day men usually married before sex. I can't see a 17 year old man getting married. Then his younger daughter is 5 years older than her second husband, and their both in their 60's so she has to be 65 or greater. But she has a teenage children we know are 17. So she had to be 43 or older carrying twins. Gee whiz.

poker-straight brown hair.

This is the strangest metaphor I've ever come across for describing straight hair. WTF has a hand ranking in a poker game got to do with hair?

All of the food is from M&S and I don’t think I ever met a version of a Colin the Caterpillar cake I didn’t like – Colin is a British icon, and a chocolate caterpillar cake is a staple at any party, no matter how old you are. I pick up a plate of mini Colins before popping a whole one in my mouth, much to the amusement of my niece and nephew.

Much to my amusement too, because I read that as mini colons. Now picture this with me if you will. Eating mini A$$-holes at a wake. It just gets worse. I just looked up online to see what these cakes look like. The mini colin cakes resemble turds.

Karl interrupts.

His name was Ken a second ago.

I try to keep my smugness playful. Obviously, I’m not advocating drinking to blot out the days when life is hard, but I hate the way Megan makes me feel, like she’s always looking down on me. I’m telling you, if she isn’t her school year’s bully, I’ll eat my breakfast (which I still can hardly look at right now).

This isn't adding up. Generally the psychology behind bullying is extremely severe inferiority complex or perhaps the victim of a bigger bully. But this younger sister comes from a very loving kind family. So her and the twin brothers narkiness towards Emmy doesn't fit the situation. Even if they are copping some flack from other kids at school for having a sister that's a TV celebrity. Seems that would realistically make them more popular to get closer to the star, then what the author is presenting to us right now.

‘A play date for someone who is nearly forty is kind of tragic,’ Megan says.

I fancy punching Megan in the face right about now.

I carefully lift out the big ball

Right this second I knew what was in the package. Soon enough I discovered I was right.

Pippa isn’t saying much either – not with her mouth, at least, her eyes are a different (low-key, hostile) story.

Poor Emmy, she's got passive agro coming at her from all around. It's even pissing me off.

‘You’re our choreographer,’ Felix tells her. ‘You’re always our choreographer.’ ‘But I usually star in our productions too,’ she insists. ‘And now you’re relegating me to… to an understudy!’

Yes, go Felix. You tell her.

Wow, Felix is brutal. ‘It’s a big room but it’s not big enough for your ego,’ he continues. ‘We have a genuine star sitting at this table. Emmy is a big name who will draw a crowd. Granted, I find her show to be derivative drivel, lazily titillating the masses with torture porn – and often actual porn – but make no mistake, this pantomime is beneath her. Emmy can act, and people will actually want to see her playing Cinderella.’ OUCH! Absolutely savage.

This is Gold. Dramedy Gold.

‘Who else is there for you to play?’ Felix replies. ‘And Emmy raises an excellent point. Writing a pantomime is a subtle art form. I’ve only ever met one person I believed had truly mastered the art.’ ‘They’re not dead, are they?’ Billy asks with a snort. Then he clocks the look on Felix’s face. ‘Oh, God, sorry, they’re not, are they?’ ‘I’m dead to her,’ Felix replies. ‘Anita Van der Boom. She lives on the island. If you don’t get me one of her scripts, then this panto isn’t happening.’

-------------------- ‘Who else is there for you to play?’ Felix replies. ‘And Emmy raises an excellent point. Writing a pantomime is a subtle art form. I’ve only ever met one person I believed had truly mastered the art.’ ‘They’re not dead, are they?’ Billy asks with a snort. Then he clocks the look on Felix’s face. ‘Oh, God, sorry, they’re not, are they?’ ‘I’m dead to her,’ Felix replies. ‘Anita Van der Boom. She lives on the island. If you don’t get me one of her scripts, then this panto isn’t happening.’ -------------------- Sounds as though they could all use a little witchcraft to get the ball rolling on this pantomime. LoL, Portia should have named this character Anita Van der Broom.

‘I am nothing if not fair,’ Felix asks. ‘Now go and get me my script from the woman who loathes me.’

Between love and loathing, a fine line exists.

‘It’s not just that,’ Pippa continues. ‘You look dark and dreary. Cinderella is bright and beautiful. She isn’t… emo or whatever.’

Pippa The bitch is treating Emmy like a witch.

‘You do get to be her understudy,’ Scott reminds her, as though that’s going to make a blind bit of difference. ‘So, I’m just supposed to sit here and hope something bad happens to her then?’ Pippa replies. She sounds annoyed at first but then she raises a thoughtful eyebrow, as though that might be an option. ‘Assuming I make it through the night,’ I interrupt, getting the conversation back on track. ‘Anyone up for going to see Anita with me tomorrow?’

‘You do get to be her understudy,’ Scott reminds her, as though that’s going to make a blind bit of difference. ‘So, I’m just supposed to sit here and hope something bad happens to her then?’ Pippa replies. She sounds annoyed at first but then she raises a thoughtful eyebrow, as though that might be an option. ‘Assuming I make it through the night,’ I interrupt, getting the conversation back on track. ‘Anyone up for going to see Anita with me tomorrow?’ -------------------- Emmy is likely to suffer some sort of accident before show night.

‘That makes me, you and Felix,’ Scott chuckles. ‘Remind me why we’re chasing this woman all over town?’ ‘Because we offered,’ I reply through a smile. To say we’re chasing Anita Van der Boom across town is a slight exaggeration. We went to her cottage on Hope Island where one of her neighbours told us she’d already be propping up the bar at The Hopeful Ghost, a pub over on the mainland.

-------------------- ‘That makes me, you and Felix,’ Scott chuckles. ‘Remind me why we’re chasing this woman all over town?’ ‘Because we offered,’ I reply through a smile. To say we’re chasing Anita Van der Boom across town is a slight exaggeration. We went to her cottage on Hope Island where one of her neighbours told us she’d already be propping up the bar at The Hopeful Ghost, a pub over on the mainland. -------------------- LoL maybe her name should be Anita Van der Broom, as the story progresses, the altered spelling becomes more apt. Although if she regularly props up the bar in the pub maybe Van der Beer would be better.

‘Ooh, let’s see,’ Kay says excitedly. ‘So… Act One, prologue, blah, blah. OK, here we go: “Dramatic music. Dark stage. Smoke creeps along the floor before (pyro?) a flash reveals the Fairy Godmother. She narrates DSP…” Alison, these are your lines, why don’t you read them?’

I really hate unexplained acronyms and not even Google knows what DSP stands for.