Anything But Fine

by Tobias Madden

His voice is sort of deep, but … I dunno, playful? Kind of how I imagine a golden retriever would talk.

“Hey man,” he says, with one of those reverse nods that straight guys always do to their mates.

Sometimes I don’t think straight guys realize how much they mess with my emotions. Or maybe they do it on purpose for the ego boost. All they have to do is say one nice thing to me and suddenly I’m in love with them.

My chest tightens and I gasp in a breath. Tears fill my sleep-crusted eyes. It was just a dream, but I’ve woken up in a nightmare.

I dunno. I’m just so awkward with stuff like this. Maybe this is how some people feel around me? Like there’s a big gay elephant in the room and they don’t want to step on its big gay toes. Or maybe I’m the elephant. I dunno. Wait … Do elephants even have toes?

I always say that coming out was easy for me, and I guess it was, compared to some of the messed-up stories I’ve heard about other kids who’ve been kicked out of home and stuff like that. But if I wear a pink T-shirt to school, at least one person will call me gay to my face. And I’m proud to be gay, but when people use the word as an insult—even when guys say things like, Oh man, that’s so gay—it makes me feel like shit. Because, when it comes down to it, some people still think being gay is a bad thing, or at the very least, second best to being straight.

“It’s just … we always imagine that these momentous occasions will work out perfectly, but they never go quite to plan, do they?”