The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

Welcome, Crawler, to the fifth floor. “The Bubbles.” Sponsorship bidding initiated on Crawler #4,122. Bidding ends in 45 hours. Remaining Crawlers: 178,887 Entering Bubble #543 out of 1172. Air Quadrant. New Achievement! The Quarry Sees Another Spring. You managed to enter a stairwell while listed in the current top 10. You’re a survivor. A scrapper. And just as the buck’s antlers grow another point as they mature, you too, have grown as both a crawler and as a prize. Reward: You have received a Gold Venison Box! Don’t get too excited. It’s just money. In addition, all bounties against you now and in the future will have a (x2) modifier attached. Hey, at least the prize for surviving the floor goes up, too.

The town’s streets were laid out like a set of nested semi-circles, like a rainbow.

Think of a sheet of bubble wrap. Every bubble is its own self-contained world. Each individual world has four zones or “quadrants.”

But, there is a small hitch. In order for your stairwell to actually open up and be passable, all four castles in your bubble must first be taken. That’s right, the Land, Sea, Air, and Subterranean castles must all fall in order for you to proceed to the sixth floor.

The next achievement came in the AI’s creepy, I’m-touching-myself-and-smoking-a-cigarette voice. New Achievement! Smushed for Daddy. You have been stepped upon by a deity. You have survived the encounter. And while this wasn’t the pink-fleshed suppleness of a human-shaped foot that crushed your fragile, wet body, it’s nice sometimes to switch things around. You know, just to test the boundaries of your own limits. When one experiments, oftentimes one finds new and exciting ways to get that rush. While fun, it wasn’t quite the same. You probably don’t realize how lucky that is for you. Reward: You have received a Platinum Spicy Box.

Tracked All-Terrain Suicide Machine. The Royal Chariot – Contraption. If a snowmobile got drunk on moonshine and had a sweaty, ill-advised night with a hillbilly’s coon-hunting ATV, this oversized birth defect of a vehicle would be the result. Quickly traverses through both sand and snow. Don’t worry about the lack of roll cage or the grossly-misplaced center of gravity, or the fact this thing will do an impressive impersonation of a catapult the moment it hits a rock. The most important part is that it looks kind of badass.

Dirigible Gnome Corpse – Killed by falling from a great height with an assist by the Crawler Bitch Boy Carl.

New Achievement! You’re the reason why daddy drinks! You have, for an unspecified reason, raised the ire of the System AI. You have corrected the issue, and everything is back to normal. The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. Good boy. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box.

“If Carl was going to purposely kill Loita he would’ve shoved a stick of dynamite in her gills and then kicked her in the head. Carl is very good at killing things, and he can be very clever about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. How does ‘secret Asian man’ make sense?”

Carl: Donut. Chill. You’re sinking. There’s a mob coming. Donut: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Carl: MONGO NEEDS YOU.

Admin Notice: This Special Event boss battle is being streamed to all special event subscribers. Admin Notice: Congratulations. You have been opted into the Beta testing program. We are testing a new format with this battle. You may be asked to complete a survey on the completion of the fight, should you survive. Thank you. B…B…B…Boss Battle!

“You missed, you crazy bitch!” Samantha shrieked. “It’s not my fault your man likes me more than you! He told me you smell like the asshole of a Felch demon! He says he’d rather fornicate with a razor elemental than stick it in you ever again!” Katia: What the hell is going on up there? Donut: GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT! Carl: Stay put. Don’t move!

You did it! You read another one! It’s almost like we’re dating. Pretty soon we’ll be introducing each other to our parents and fighting about me eating shredded cheese directly from the bag at 3 a.m..