The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

“I want you two fuckwits to listen, and I want you to listen carefully. I don’t know how in the gods you survived this long, but I am about five seconds from telling my client to eviscerate both of you and to use your bodies as zombie meat shields. And don’t think she can’t do it. Isn’t that right, Donut?” Donut growled. “We are in a very dire situation here. But guess what? You two mouth breathers hit the survival lottery when you got put in the same quadrant as us, and you’re too stupid to even realize it. You can still get out of this, and you can still make it to the sixth floor if you take this seriously. If you don’t, you are doing more harm than good. And we do not have time for that. I have a drink that I am going to make for each of you, but it’s going to take about five minutes. So help me gods, if you two don’t shut the hell up and just listen, you will not persist long enough for me to make the potion for you.”

Mordecai going scary red is actually 🤟🏻🤟🏻🤟🏻🔥🔥🔥 DO IT AGAIN lol

“That’s not true. You still have your date with Juice Box,” said Donut.

😂😂😂☠️

Have you seen their tongues? They’re sticky. Anything with a sticky tongue can’t be trusted. Can you imagine having something sticky in your mouth at all times?”

Donut 👀👀👀👀

“You keep destroying governmental buildings, Carl,” Donut said. “People are going to start thinking you have a problem with authority.”

LMAO.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked, looking around.

Buddy, you just experienced your first game glitch LMAO.

Dirigible Gnome Corpse – Killed by falling from a great height with an assist by the Crawler Bitch Boy Carl.

The AI is really pissed at Carl.

New Achievement! You’re the reason why daddy drinks! You have, for an unspecified reason, raised the ire of the System AI. You have corrected the issue, and everything is back to normal. The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. Good boy. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box.

🫠🫠🫠 The AI is a pervert.

“There’s gotta be something we can do now.”

Yeah, there is. you use one of the living creature storage balls you got from the gnomes.

Loita: Do not talk back to me. You keep forgetting your place.

You guys should ice her out. when she messages, don't respond....right away. fuck her.

Loita: Oh for the sake of the gods. Audiences like drama, but not melodrama. Stop concerning yourself so much with NPCs. We’ll be transferring you to your program in twenty minutes.

I want this character to have the worst death known to man.

“Nobody likes melodrama, Loita,” I said as the kua-tin died.

I'm feeling like a kid in a candy shop.

“Holy shit,” I gasped as two more sharks rushed in out of nowhere. They swarmed right past us, skirting the bottom of the fast-moving current. They ignored us and headed straight for the injured shark. Christ that was close. Each was about fifteen feet long and jet black with glowing red eyes. Other than the terrifying color and eyes, they looked much like a typical tiger shark. I caught a glimpse of their description.

I'm with Donut on this one. between my fear of sharks and my thalassaphobia I'd be losing my ever loving shit.

“Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Donut said.

again, I'm with homegirl on this one lmao

“He wiped his hand on me once. You know, afterward.” “That is absolutely not true!” I exclaimed.

😂😂😂😂😂

Then I saw the tentacles flowing behind it. A sharktopus. A fucking sharktopus. Donut is going to be pissed she missed this one. “Oh,” I heard myself say. “That’s not good.”

So clam and collected, very demure.

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple!

I'll never forget that Super Bowl lmao

“I think they’re right about you. I think you’re crazy. Like, not a little weird crazy. Not guy who eats cereal without milk crazy. But crazy, crazy. Straitjacket crazy.” I took the cat into my lap, and then I pulled her to my chest. She purred heavily into my ear.

I'm not crying... you're crying 😭