The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

I laughed. “Hey, Donut. If we were back home, you’d finally be able to knock that vase off the high shelf.” “That thing was a menace, Carl. It was haunted.”

The next achievement came in the AI’s creepy, I’m-touching-myself-and-smoking-a-cigarette voice.

If added to a trap, additional options become available. Such as “Target any healers within range” or “Target anyone who thinks it’s okay to put mayonnaise on hotdogs.”

😬

New Achievement! Total, Utter Failure. You failed a quest less than five minutes after you received it. Now that’s talent. Reward: Ha.

The great bugbear treasure hunter Shamus Chaindrive was known as both a paranoid and a greedy bastard. Having been betrayed one too many times, he no longer trusted any living soul. That is why his crew was always comprised of constructs and automatons. He dedicated his life to hunting down long-lost treasures and artifacts. He prized one item above all others. The Gate of the Feral Gods. Said to be buried in the long-lost Necropolis of Anser.

Will you use it to tie people up? Will you use it to save the lives of those you love? Will you wrap your ankles together and sensuously rub your supple feet up and down a dungeon wall while you run your hands through your hair? Who knows! But you just got yourself a roll of the universe’s greatest duct tape.

It felt like the wrong lesson, especially now. But that’s what happens, isn’t it? The universe shows us how cruel it can be, and we are worse for it.

swell of hope. New Achievement! Wild Goose Chase! Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think this was an important potion? Magic doesn’t work, dumbass. It’s lemonade! Reward: It really is delicious. Too bad you’re about to splatter against the roof of the catacombs.

I patted her on the head. “We will see her again, Donut. I keep my promises.” She butted her head against mine, purring loudly.

“If Carl was going to purposely kill Loita he would’ve shoved a stick of dynamite in her gills and then kicked her in the head. Carl is very good at killing things, and he can be very clever about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. How does ‘secret Asian man’ make sense?” “Yes, I supposed that does make more sense.

Anyway, that’s not his style, and besides, every one of his plans always screws up somewhere along the way. He would’ve been caught. When he was with Miss Beatrice, his definition of ‘subtle’ was pulling his boxers down and saying, ‘me so horny.’ No offense, Carl.” “What? I never did that.” “Oh, right. That was Brad, wasn’t it?

This was not my Carl’s handiwork. It’s qu...

MY Carl 🥹

I have this amazing magical panel with thousands of hours of programs on it, and I don’t know where it came from. But it keeps me entertained. I can only watch for two hours a day except during the red equinox, which is coming up soon. There’s this program called Inuyasha that I plan on finishing…

lol would do the same buddy

“That was pretty awesome,” I said once it was clear we were safe from the sharks. “Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Donut said.

Donut just nodded. Despite her loud insistence that she was never going back into the water, I could tell she was struggling with guilt over this. I patted her on the head. “We need you to keep us safe. Okay?” “Be careful,” she said, rubbing her head against my hand.

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple! You have been featured during a live special event.

“You know what, Carl? I’ve decided something,” Donut said, finally speaking. She released Mongo, who squawked and started investigating this strange, new world. “Yeah, Donut?” “I think they’re right about you. I think you’re crazy. Like, not a little weird crazy. Not guy who eats cereal without milk crazy. But crazy, crazy. Straitjacket crazy.” I took the cat into my lap, and then I pulled her to my chest. She purred heavily into my ear.