The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

“I just got a notification that says I can’t drink anymore,” Louis said. His voice turned to a whisper. “Not cool, man. Not cool. It’s all I got left.” “That’s not true. You still have your date with Juice Box,” said Donut.

I pushed the door closed. “Turn off your hole, Donut.” “Really, Carl. You need to find a less offensive way to say that.”

The magical pen rose into the air as the top popped off the ink well. The pen dipped within and wrote out “Does this work?” I drew a rudimentary cat portrait, and the pen copied my work. Donut looked at the cat art with distaste. “Am I a joke to you, Carl?”

“Well they’re terrible at it,” Donut said. “I mean, really. If they can’t even manage to kill one human who doesn’t wear pants, how can anyone expect them to control an intergalactic empire? No offense, Carl.”

“We’ll take care of her,” Juice Box said. “Orphans will always have a home in Hump Town.” Donut: THAT SOUNDS OBSCENE. Carl: Not now, Donut.

Warning: Unlike a regular smoke curtain, the caster of this tossable is not immune to its effects. In other words, you’ll be just as blind as the monsters. So you don’t want to be dropping this thing at your feet unless you find yourself to be the most handsome dude at the orgy.

But I see my planet, my beloved Qurux. It shines, and it warms me in this cold. I pray one day someone will avenge her, for I cannot.

Mordecai: Do not let it touch you. Once they get ahold, it’s like quicksand you can’t escape. And since you already used your Protective Shell, you’d be fucked. They don’t just suffocate you. It will actively pour sand into every available orifice, filling you until you explode. And since you’re only wearing boxers with relatively easy access to your… southern entrance… Yeah. Don’t let it get you. Carl: Christ, Mordecai. You always make horrible things seem even more horrible. Mordecai: That’s my job, kid. Have you been keeping your hair short?

“Oh, I’m judging him. Miss Beatrice had a drawer full of sex toys, but she never sailed off to the other side of the world because her vibrator told her to.”

A shark? That didn’t make sense. Then I saw the tentacles flowing behind it. A sharktopus. A fucking sharktopus. Donut is going to be pissed she missed this one. “Oh,” I heard myself say. “That’s not good.”

“Wait,” I gasped. “We need to loot her inventory.” “I got it all the first time he barfed her up. She had a lot of stuff,” Donut said. “Give it to Chris,” I said, falling onto my back. “What do you mean? She has a lot of hats in here. Why does a worm need hats? What does Chris need with a bunch of hats? I collect hats. I feel strongly I should be able to keep them.”