The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

“Turn off your hole, Donut.” “Really, Carl. You need to find a less offensive way to say that.”

“You keep destroying governmental buildings, Carl,” Donut said. “People are going to start thinking you have a problem with authority.”

But that’s what happens, isn’t it? The universe shows us how cruel it can be, and we are worse for it.

“but if the AI is going to throw a temper tantrum every time Carl doesn’t wrap his tootsies around a furry little creature, it’s going to be a problem. Carl, we should start stocking up on squish-sized creatures so you can sacrifice one every morning. At least now we have a five-pack of gerbils. Maybe you should do two at the same time. You know, to make sure everyone is back to being happy with one another again. It’d be almost like having a threesome. On Gossip Girl, there was this one episode where Dan and…”

“I mean, really. If they can’t even manage to kill one human who doesn’t wear pants, how can anyone expect them to control an intergalactic empire? No offense, Carl.”

“Orphans will always have a home in Hump Town.” Donut: THAT SOUNDS OBSCENE. Carl: Not now, Donut.

You’re a good fighter, Carl. And you think fast. That’s why we’re still alive. You rarely think of the proper answer to a problem, but you usually come up with one that works anyway.”

“Have you ever felt true cold? It comes soon for us all. It’s always waiting in the shadows.”

We all cried out as the brilliant light became unbearable. The torchlight bounced off the walls, changing colors, blinding us with a prism of hues. “Turn it down!” “This is the lowest it goes,” Donut said a moment later. The spell was now just a tiny ember floating in the air, causing the glass hallway to glow brightly and with a rainbow of light every time the ember moved. I took a step forward, and the glass floor crunched under my feet. It didn’t break, nor did it visibly crack, but it felt as if the floor rested upon an uneven dusting of gravel. The walls and floor were warm to the touch. A long, thin hallway spread before us. The hallway was made of a cloudy, white and blue glass filled with cracks and imperfections and lightning-patterned streaks of black that sparkled in Donut’s light. The ground and walls were uneven, as if they were almost a natural formation. A t-junction appeared at the end of the hall.

“You banged the ooze?” I asked. “And you didn’t notice it wasn’t really the chick you have tattooed on your own damn chest?” “I was drunk,” he said sheepishly. “And really excited. Plus it was dark.”

I started paddling toward shore. Donut sat there glowering, completely flattened out and soaked through. She had a piece of seaweed attached to her tiara. While she’d appeared almost majestic and fairy-like underwater, up here she looked like a dead rat that’d been resurrected and then run over by a garbage truck. “That was pretty awesome,” I said once it was clear we were safe from the sharks. “Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Donut said.

Mongo made a chirping noise, agreeing with Donut’s outrage.

Ahh, the planet earth. A whole lot of culture. A whole lot of spunk. So many dumbasses.

The “Dream” were zebra-riding elves who liked to use poison and druid magic.

Donut: KEEP YOUR BOXERS ON, CARL. I’M ALREADY THERE.

that grumpy Cerberus has a kid brother who is still learning the ropes. Orthrus. The most loveable hell-hound on this side of Alpha Centauri. The left side is for sniffin’ and the right side is for lickin’ and that pink belly of his? It’s for kissin’.

You can also voluntarily leave the faith, but it comes with an automatic smite.

while you worship the god, the god can sometimes send you messages. The description says it’s rare, but my goddess won’t shut the hell up. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who worships her, and this rat asshole is bored or something and sends me message after message. The last note I got was, “You need to say I’m the prettiest goddess out loud.” I finally told him to fuck off. But now the twat is swearing at me in my messages.

Imani: Did you really rip his arm off? Donut: ALL THE WAY TO THE SHOULDER. IT CAME OFF LIKE A PIECE OF CHICKEN. CARL KEPT THE ARM AND IS GOING TO USE IT AS A BACK SCRATCHER.

You have found religion! You have pledged yourself to a life of worship and piety! Finally. Now there are consequences for all of your actions! Reward: One of the greatest things about having a religion is the unshakeable certainty that you’re right and everyone else who doesn’t believe the same as you is wrong! That’s a pretty good reward. Oh, and don’t forget about the eternal life thing, too. That’s always one of their big selling points. I grunted with amusement. A little changeling kid sat at the end of the kitchen bar and was staring at me. I looked at him and said, “The System AI is totally going to hell.”

It is too beautiful, too real not to be a copy of someplace that truly existed, and it is difficult for my mind to make sense of it. For the first time, I don’t know where the real ends and the nightmare begins, and it has taken my breath away.

You did it! You read another one! It’s almost like we’re dating. Pretty soon we’ll be introducing each other to our parents and fighting about me eating shredded cheese directly from the bag at 3 a.m..