The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

Donut continued to hack in my ear. “Hey, don’t puke on my shoulder.” “Where else am I going to do it, Carl?” she said between breaths. She proceeded to puke on my shoulder. “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said. “In ancient Egypt, it was considered an honor for a cat to vomit upon you. You should thank me.”

I laughed. “Hey, Donut. If we were back home, you’d finally be able to knock that vase off the high shelf.” “That thing was a menace, Carl. It was haunted.”

“I am saying this right now, Carl,” Donut announced the moment she received the scroll. “I am a cat. Cats do not swim. Cats do not go in water. It is unnatural, and it is not going to happen.”

Mordecai: Goddamnit, Donut. Don’t say that stuff out loud.

Donut: IF I MAGIC MISSILE HIM IN THE HEAD, WILL I GET IN TROUBLE? Carl: Yes. You’ll have to wait until we’re outside. Katia: They are so drunk that if you cast your new fire wall spell anywhere in the room, their breath will likely ignite, and they will self-immolate. You probably wouldn’t get blamed for that. Donut: YOU ARE A GENIUS. I’M GOING TO TRY IT.

“You keep destroying governmental buildings, Carl,” Donut said. “People are going to start thinking you have a problem with authority.”

“Goddamnit,” I growled at the pain. It hadn’t done any real damage, but it had hurt. We need a better way to do this. “You okay, Donut?” “What do you think, Carl? You know I’m flammable, right? Warn me next time.” “I did warn you. Stay to my left.”

“Does this work?” I drew a rudimentary cat portrait, and the pen copied my work. Donut looked at the cat art with distaste. “Am I a joke to you, Carl?” I laughed as I deleted the image in the scratchpad, and it faded away from the paper.

“If Carl was going to purposely kill Loita he would’ve shoved a stick of dynamite in her gills and then kicked her in the head. Carl is very good at killing things, and he can be very clever about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. How does ‘secret Asian man’ make sense?” “Yes, I supposed that does make more sense.

When he was with Miss Beatrice, his definition of ‘subtle’ was pulling his boxers down and saying, ‘me so horny.’ No offense, Carl.” “What? I never did that.” “Oh, right. That was Brad, wasn’t it? Anyway, you get my point.

“This is an outrage!” Donut cried when we were back at the home base. She’d showered and was once again dry and clean. “I was buried alive, shot out of a water cannon, drowned, and then almost eaten by a shark, and I didn’t even get a boss box for that? We won the level. The slime thing died, and we get nothing? Carl, the game is cheating again.”

“Plus, he insulted Mongo. He said, and I quote, ‘Donut and her stupid dino-chicken irritate me to no end.’ Mongo is just a child. If he could read, he’d be appalled. I can take criticism, but picking on a child? That’s just uncalled for. I bet he sucks his thumb and thinks of his grandmother when he touches himself.” “You can take criticism?” I asked. “I’m serious, Carl.”

Donut: CARL I JUST WENT UP A LEVEL, AND I DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING. I SHOULD STAY BACK MORE OFTEN. THIS IS GREAT.

“If I had gone in there, I would’ve been smushed on the ocean floor. You know how I feel about getting smushed. I’m not one of your hamsters, Carl.” She continued to mutter angrily under her breath. “First he goes up three levels when I only go up one, and he also gets a box. This is an outrage!”

“You know what, Carl? I’ve decided something,” Donut said, finally speaking. She released Mongo, who squawked and started investigating this strange, new world. “Yeah, Donut?” “I think they’re right about you. I think you’re crazy. Like, not a little weird crazy. Not guy who eats cereal without milk crazy. But crazy, crazy. Straitjacket crazy.” I took the cat into my lap, and then I pulled her to my chest. She purred heavily into my ear.

“You have daggers in your inventory! Stick one in my mouth! I need to cut the bitch!”