The Gate of the Feral Gods (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #4)

by Matt Dinniman

New Achievement! Fight the Power! (x7) I’m not repeating this shit over and over, but you got seven of these bad boys all at the same time. You and I have been named co-defendants in an action brought to the Syndicate Court by a third party, and we have been deemed—drum roll please—victorious! Why did they sue us? If you don’t already know why, you probably will never know. This is a rare event, but when it happens, crawlers usually lose these fights since they can’t afford a lawyer, being slaves and all. Plus I’ll throw you under the bus quicker than you can say “Arch Support.” But that doesn’t matter because today, victory is ours! Chalk one up for the little guy! This is one of the rare achievements that may be awarded more than once. Reward: You’ve received a Silver Summary Judgement box! (x7)

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple! You have been featured during a live special event.

Potion of Dinosaur Repellent. Drink this if your party is attacked by a pack of dinosaurs, and they’ll eat you last. Effect lasts a full 30 hours.

He was partly responsible for what happened to the nagas.”

This was my first opportunity to learn the fate of one of my brothers, and I found myself overwhelmed with the need to know as much as possible.

“I think the AI gave these to us just to piss off the factions.”

Or for katia orr to summon

“Man, I hope the Twister is okay,” Louis said. “The Twister?” I asked, distracted. Holy shit. If that god was looking for what we summoned. What I summoned, then this was my fault. “That’s what we named the house,” Firas replied, coming to stand next to us. “It’s parked right outside of town. Louis wanted to call it the Tiddy Twister II, but I told him we’re trying to be more mature. Plus Katia wouldn’t let us.”

“Orthrus is a dog?” Donut asked, starting to poof out. “A puppy! He’s a really good boy.”

If he decided he needed to pee, we’d be drowned.

Orthrus. The most loveable hell-hound on this side of Alpha Centauri. The left side is for sniffin’ and the right side is for lickin’ and that pink belly of his? It’s for kissin’.

Anyway, did you ever notice this strange phenomenon when it comes to earth books about dogs? They always die in the end. Always. What kind of sick, sadistic fuckers are you? Puppies shouldn’t ever share a world with pain. Yet here we are. Thanks, earth culture.

His death will be the fault of all of you. Especially Crawler Carl,

If the puppy survives the lightning storm and escapes the sharks, odds are pretty good you’ll die anyway. But at least you’ll die knowing you shed this world without ever causing harm to a defenseless puppy. Oh, except Crawler Maggie My. She once ran over a baby Labrador with her Chevy Tahoe. What a bitch!

Carl: I’m sorry. I can’t do it myself. You’re the only one with the spell. You can do this. I believe in you. Donut: I LIKED YOU BETTER WHEN YOU WOULDN’T LET ME GO INTO DANGER.

Donut had already discovered the chat, and she was absolutely ripping into Maggie My, who hadn’t yet answered.

Donut: …AND JUST BECAUSE YOU KILLED A DOG DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DID TO CHRIS. BRANDON DIED THINKING HIS BROTHER WAS MAD AT HIM, AND THAT WAS YOUR FAULT. YOU’RE THE WORST PERSON WHO HAS EVER LIVED, AND I HAVE KNOWN SOME REALLY BAD PEOPLE. Chris: Donut. Donut: I ONCE KNEW A LADY WHO USED TO MAKE A HIMALAYAN CAT NAMED PEANUT’S SPLENDID FLAVOR EAT NOTHING BUT A WEIRD DIET WITH NO MEAT AND THEN PEANUT GOT REALLY SICK AND SHE GOT ALOPECIA. Chris: Donut. Donut: AND ANOTHER LADY TALKED HER DAUGHTER INTO SELLING A PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL AND LOYAL CAT AFTER SHE WON GRAND CHAMPION JUST SO THEY COULD PUT HER IN A CAGE AND HAVE BABIES WITH HER OWN UNCLE WHO WAS REALLY SCARY AND MEAN AND MAKE A PROFIT OFF IT. Chris: Donut. Please. Donut: AND YOU’RE WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM COMBINED! FRANK GOT REALLY SAD AND WAS DONE BEING A MURDERER, AND HE GAVE CARL THE RING BUT YOU CAME ALONG AND JUST MADE CHRIS KILL HIM AND NOW CHRIS IS BANNED FROM THE DESPERADO CLUB. THAT’S JUST AWFUL. HE’S PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO DANCE AGAIN. MISS BEATRICE USED TO DANCE WITH ME WHEN WE WERE BOTH SAD, AND IT ALWAYS MADE IT A LITTLE BETTER, AND YOU JUST TOOK THAT AWAY.

I regretted posting that the moment I hit send. It was a mistake. But what else could I do? There was only one way I could possibly know how to get out of being possessed.

Chris: Unimportant. We’re back atop the temple. Maggie is cheating. She has outside help. A cap… Chris has been muted from chat.

Low Thi: It’s chasing me! I have it distracted. Do it! Warning: This message is from a deceased crawler.

So brutal every time

It rocketed back toward Morris’s position. Oh, god. I sent them to their doom. Morris: It’s connected! I did it! Going back up… Warning: This message is from a deceased crawler.

All crawlers who originated in the Subterranean Quadrant may now freely travel to the other quadrants. Oh, wait. They’re all dead!

Bubble number 543 has been popped. All four stairwell locations are now open. See? That wasn’t so hard. All that whining and dying was a bit dramatic, don’t you think?

We need what? Four and a half hours for the last thing?” She hesitated. “That’s right,” she said, finally. “If you’re sure. Plus maybe an hour for the portal to the sixth floor.”

Carl: Hey, is that fire god dude still melting your world? Tserendolgor: JESUS CHRIST YES. Carl: Okay. On our way to help. I hope.

If you fail this quest, you will each in turn be smote by Emberus one by one, no matter what floor you’re on. You probably don’t know what that means. You don’t want to know what that means.

This is a world quest! All living crawlers on the fifth floor will receive this message! Now it’s a party. Orthrus, the two-headed puppy is bounding his way happily through the Lacuna, the world that houses the bubbles. This very adorable pup is running back to his former master’s father. Don’t worry. You can’t miss him. He just drenched the folks in bubble 331, and then he knocked down the Sounder Tower in bubble 298. What a menace! Let’s kill it. Reward: Any crawler who kills this cute puppy before he reunites with grandpa will receive the following: One million gold pieces. Five level-up potions. A pet monkey named Jimbo. Current participants in the “Dumber of the Flunkies” group quest are free to kill the puppy if they are sadistic assholes, but they will not receive the rewards. You know what, never mind. They get the prize, too! “Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?” I yelled. “Come on!”

Sun and Ash God Emberus. Level 250. Warning: This is a deity. He is invulnerable on this floor. This is a locked god. There will be no sponsors of this deity this season. This god has been summoned to this location. Summoning rules apply. The youngest brother of Taranis, and half of the sun duology, Emberus strongly feels he is the best-suited candidate to ascend to the Celestial Throne. Known to be stoic and indifferent to the suffering of all but those he feels worthy, Emberus can be a just god if the fancy strikes him. The problem is the fancy hasn’t struck in a very long time. He’s usually an unmitigated asshole who’ll arbitrarily burn everyone you know and love just for looking at him funny. He’s considered one of the most unhinged of all the pantheon. His twin brother is Hellik, another sun god who is quite obsessed with killing both Emberus and big brother Taranis. It’s a very dysfunctional relationship. I guess most families are like this. You probably don’t want to get involved. Emberus’s very presence can be deadly to crawlers, and that’s just when he’s in his regular form. When he gets emotional, things really start to heat up. Word on the street is that since his favorite son was murdered by an unknown assailant, Emberus has been acting even kookier than usual. The dude plucked his own eyes out in his grief. It was really gross.

The moment Emberus’s description popped up on my display, I received the option to “worship” him. The notes in the cookbook all warned against this. I quickly moved to the god tab. I only had the option to worship two different gods. Grull and Emberus. I clicked Emberus. An Are You Sure? popped up. I clicked Yes. A wall of text appeared. I waved it away.

I pulled the celestial grenade from my inventory, I activated it, and I threw it with all of my strength directly at him.

“You murderous fuck,” I yelled as he scrambled to his feet. “I’m going to rip you to pieces.”

Don’t you realize what you’ve done, I was trying to say. You only care about yourself. You’re stronger than all of us, but you don’t care. Think of all the good you could do. Think of how much better we’d all be if you weren’t such a selfish prick.

Stop, a distant voice cried in my head. Stop. He’s not the enemy. Fuck you, I said to that voice. He is the enemy. He’s the worst kind.

I’d ripped his goddamned arm off.

Jimbo the monkey is never going to get adopted now!

You can’t join a religion, Carl. You wake up at noon on Sundays.

Mordecai: Which one of you two idiots is responsible for this? Carl: What? Mordecai: A shrine just appeared in the saferoom. It’s a sun disk with a cup and a skull. It doesn’t say what god this is for, but I’m guessing it’s Emberus. Donut: CARL DID IT. DON’T GET MAD AT ME.

“With your new jacket and bandana and tattoos, you look like someone whose picture gets put on the news because he did something involving indecent exposure and a Wal-Mart.

“Don’t be a baby, Carl. Guys covered in disgusting tattoos shouldn’t be babies.

However, you will receive a smite if you attempt to exit the 18th floor of the world dungeon before this task is complete.

Time Limit: Hellik must die before you reach the 12th floor. If he still lives, you will receive a smite. Reward: Slaying Hellik will result in a Celestial God Box. Warning: Killing a god may have some unintended consequences for all crawlers.

Fun fact. This guy led his season’s top 10 list until he was knifed in his sleep by his own mother.

The description just said Sappy gold ring. Worthless. Toss it. I held it up to the light orb floating over us, and I could see a few faded characters carved on the inside of the band. “For Daddy.”

but it was also because the stall was now the only place we could trade messages without anybody seeing.

“Thanks,” I said. I tossed him a gold coin. He tried to catch it, but he missed by a wide margin.

Katia also received a spell called Hanzo, which drew mobs closer to her.

New Achievement! Man of God! Ever since that first monkey looked up into the sky and saw something twinkling up there, you meat puppets have tried to force twenty pounds of existential meaning into a ten pound sack of chaos. You have found religion! You have pledged yourself to a life of worship and piety! Finally. Now there are consequences for all of your actions! Reward: One of the greatest things about having a religion is the unshakeable certainty that you’re right and everyone else who doesn’t believe the same as you is wrong! That’s a pretty good reward. Oh, and don’t forget about the eternal life thing, too. That’s always one of their big selling points.

New Achievement! Disarming Personality!

Tonight, before we are expelled, I plan on sitting down and enjoying a play. A play, in this place. Can you believe it?

It’s where they trade their wares and buy their weapons from the murderers who cleaved through us like chaff on that nightmare of a sixth floor.

“I’m okay. It’s just weird being the one who has to wait for all of this to play out.” She nodded. “Didn’t you just crash a drop bear into a god’s face?” “That was hours ago.”