Icebreaker

by A.L. Graziadei

So, being both depressed and anxious at the same time is absolutely wild.

Everything’s okay. Everything is going according to plan. I have no reason for sleepless nights, no reason to be so damn miserable all the time.

he’s got dimples that make me want to punch myself in the face.

I’m staring at Jaysen’s infuriating dimples on my phone when I walk into my room.

Jaysen nods his head in my direction. “Your Grace.”

My eye roll and sigh combination is a work of art perfected by years of practice.

Mickey: I didn’t fall for him He’s just hot

But nobody seems to care about them. Because they’re women. Because women kicking ass in their sports means less to them than an unproven seventeen-year-old boy with nothing to show for himself but a name. Sometimes. A lot of the time. I really hate myself.

Maverick here? He writes Dragon Age fanfiction—” “Bro!” Kovy says.

For the love of god, please kill me now.

“Your eyes are a nice color.” Um. What?

“You’re pretty fit for being so short.” I think I might pass out. Was he just checking me out?

I think I might be happy. I don’t fall asleep on a couch with Jaysen. But that’s where I wake up.

The woods are turning red and orange, and the air smells like Halloween.

Spiderman with tom holland

Nova: Who’s the tall one??? Mickey: They’re all tall to me Nova: Mickey. Mickey: Barbie. Nova: Hmmmm

Jaysen Caulfield is into me. Maybe just as much as I am into him.

“I’m never happy, Nova,” I say. I poke at the bruises under my eyes in the mirror, permanent physical evidence of the years spent lying awake at night, staring at the walls, the ceiling, the insides of my eyelids.

Cauler doesn’t say anything. But he smiles. And, oh, I am so fucked. His smile has never been more beautiful than it is now. Shy. And genuine. And at least in part because of me.

SO HERE’S A thing that happens when my depression gets especially bad. I start dissociating.

You don’t have to wear all black. We’re not a cult.”

My soul has ascended. Jesus take the wheel because I. Can’t.

What is the verbal equivalent of a keysmash? Because that’s what I’m feeling right now.

I am pathetic. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even care about people finding out. Right now, some mouth-on-mouth action with Jaysen Caulfield would be worth anything and everything.

I almost don’t capitalize on it because I’m too busy going hhnnnngg.

Nova: That was almost sexy Mickey: You saying you liked watching me get my ass beat? Nova: Mickey You’ve seen the fanfic i read

Deep down, I know she is. But I’m not ready to let go of seven years of abandonment issues.

I am literally a disaster bisexual.

“Such is life with a uterus,” Delilah grumbles.

Jaysen: Did that goal look as sexy as it felt?

AS GOOD AS things have been going, the days are getting shorter, so my depression doesn’t give a single shit.

“You don’t have to justify it to me,” I say. “I know depression works differently for everyone.” “You know when it gets bad and it feels like you have no control? Well, this makes me feel like I have just a little bit of control over something, even though I know it’s the exact opposite.”

“Does this mean I can send you depression memes now?” he asks, and I feel freer than I have in ages.

I don’t feel calm as hell. I kinda feel like I’m gonna cry.

I hope I get sick just so I can sneeze on Zero as revenge for whatever this is.

Depression doesn’t care who you are or what you’ve been through, she said. It’s an illness that can happen to anyone.

I literally hate my life.

I swear it’s a hate-reading. I can’t stop because I can’t believe someone actually wrote this. I am not invested at all.

“You okay?” he asks. I close my eyes and huff a laugh. “When have I ever been okay?” Dorian laughs through his nose. “Relatable.”

“What about your roommate?” I ask. Cauler rolls his eyes. “He tried to bring a fucking Ouija board in here with a bunch of his friends, so I kicked him out. Told him not to come back till he’s sure he’s not possessed.”

“Ehh, they’ll see how tiny you are in real life and realize you’re no threat.”

“I’m about to have this serious talk with Cauler and I need, like, cute penguin pictures on standby if it goes bad. Need to change my coping habits.”