Icebreaker

by A.L. Graziadei

So, being both depressed and anxious at the same time is absolutely wild.

Before he gets a word out, Zero skates up and says, “This is hockey time, boys. You can make out later.” Jaysen backs away from me so quickly, there’s no way he sees how my cheeks flush.

“You superstars need some privacy?” Zero asks. “’Cause it looks like some kinky-ass shit is about to go down here.” “Or some serious maiming,” Kovy adds. Zero looks at him and tilts his head, shrugging one shoulder. “They’re interchangeable for some people.”

There’s a flash of something hot and dangerous through my chest. I feel my eyes widen, my heart stutter. Jaysen makes being violently pissed off look good.

Mickey: Have you ever hated someone so much you wanna suffocate them with your own tongue

But nobody seems to care about them. Because they’re women. Because women kicking ass in their sports means less to them than an unproven seventeen-year-old boy with nothing to show for himself but a name.

It feels like the wrong thing to say. This is why I usually don’t talk. Nothing I say is ever right.

I think I might pass out. Was he just checking me out? No. Of course not. He was just looking for something to say. That was definitely not the same kind of eye-sweep I did to him minutes ago in a damn you’re hot kind of way. Not even close.

Jaysen Caulfield is into me. Maybe just as much as I am into him. Who would’ve thought?

Cauler doesn’t say anything. But he smiles. And, oh, I am so fucked. His smile has never been more beautiful than it is now. Shy. And genuine. And at least in part because of me.

You don’t have to wear all black. We’re not a cult.”

I don’t want to go. But I also don’t want to work on this paper, or sit in my room, or exist at all, really. So I guess it doesn’t make a difference.

I lean into him. He ducks his head so I can speak into his ear. “You’re wrong, you know.” His breath on my ear is hot, but it sends chills down my neck. “’Bout what?” “I’d still be doing this without my name. I’d just be enjoying it a lot more.” “So stop playing for your name and start playing for yourself. I know you can. I saw it in Colorado.”

This is another thing that’s been happening. Cauler very obviously flirts with me, and I die inside while trying to act oblivious.

Jaysen: To be fair I do find you pretty okay to look at That whole dead inside thing you got going on? Right up my alley My soul has ascended. Jesus take the wheel because I. Can’t. I’m dreaming still. Dorian’s probably lying across the room with his pillow squeezed over his ears so he can’t hear my unconscious reactions to this. I am wheezing. Act. Cool. Mickey.

Jaysen: First you’re thinking about kissing me and now you’re thinking about my tongue piercing? Starting to think you don’t despise me as much as you say What is the verbal equivalent of a keysmash? Because that’s what I’m feeling right now. Mickey: Just trying to get you to lower your guard Jaysen: And you almost had me

My brain’s on a constant loop of you’re pretty okay to look at and right up my alley and wow, the smell of cinnamon is now enough to get me going. I am pathetic. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even care about people finding out. Right now, some mouth-on-mouth action with Jaysen Caulfield would be worth anything and everything.

I am literally a disaster bisexual.

“Same page?” he asks softly, a slight tremor in his voice. “Same page,” I almost whisper.