Icebreaker

by A.L. Graziadei

There’s a flash of something hot and dangerous through my chest. I feel my eyes widen, my heart stutter. Jaysen makes being violently pissed off look good.

Mickey: Have you ever hated someone so much you wanna suffocate them with your own tongue

How am I supposed to follow that up without giving myself away? Because the only compliments coming to mind right now are things like those piercings do things to me and those jeans fit you way too nicely, please take them off.

Cauler laughs, all dimples and crinkly eyes, and I just about melt into the ice. It’s nice, making him laugh. He can make any emotion look good, but this is my favorite.

That’s why I see it when Zero sends him a mirror selfie in a white hotel bathrobe and slippers, a towel around his head and his foot propped on the edge of the bathtub, throwing up a backwards peace sign.

ZERO ???? 💀💀

Cauler doesn’t say anything. But he smiles. And, oh, I am so fucked. His smile has never been more beautiful than it is now. Shy. And genuine. And at least in part because of me.

Jaysen: First you’re thinking about kissing me and now you’re thinking about my tongue piercing? Starting to think you don’t despise me as much as you say

“You looked like a Chihuahua taking on a mastiff,” Cauler says. “Like an angry little puppy. Adorable.”

“Same page?” he asks softly, a slight tremor in his voice. “Same page,” I almost whisper.

</3

it’s easily the best kiss I’ve ever been given. And I’ve kissed a lot of people. I don’t know if it’s the way he has me shaking, gasping, my fingers numb, or if it’s just because it’s Jaysen Caulfield.

He’s gentle when he needs to be. Less so when I ask him not to. He kisses me like he means it. Holds me close to him. It’s enough to rip my empty chest wide-open.

I don’t want to be the first one to move. I offered to sit out here with Dorian, so I’ll stay here until we both freeze to death if that’s what he wants.

When I come back to the room, Dorian’s asleep, too, curled up with his knees and forehead pressed against Barbie’s back. I get ready for class as quietly as possible so I don’t wake them.

their friendship is so fucking cute

Wrap an arm around the back of his neck and pull him down to me. And I kiss him. Hard. Hard enough to make him feel all the anger and jealousy and want I’ve held for him for years. Hard enough that it hurts when our teeth clack together.

“Kill me,” I mutter. Dorian leans over to me and whispers, “If I kill you, can I have your skates? They’re sick, dude.” “Your feet would never fit in them,” Barbie says from Dorian’s other side. “He’s got fetus feet.”

enough about his small size 😭

“Forget the play, Your Grace?” he asks. There’s full-blown malice in his voice again.

THIS IS SO SICK

“You sure? ’Cause if that’s what you want, I’ll help you, dude. Don’t care that I used to have a poster of him on my wall, I will end him.”

dorian <3

They lie next to each other, talking in Spanish and looking at their phones while I finish getting ready. I keep glancing over at them. They’re at a level of comfort that can only come from a lifetime of friendship, the way they spend all their time together and drape themselves over each other and don’t give a damn what anyone has to say about it. They’ll probably dorm together next year, since they’ll actually have a choice in roommates their sophomore year.

Barbie whacks his head on the underside of my bedframe while Dorian screeches awake, clutching his blanket to his chest and putting his back against the wall. His horror dissolves into straight-up mortification when he sees it’s my sisters and Nova. He pulls the blanket over his head and says, “Terzo, it’s your turn to kill me now.” “I think I’m concussed,” Barbie says from the floor.

tHIS IS SO FUCKINFUNNY

Zero grabs the shoulder of my hoodie and pulls. It’s either get choked or follow, so I throw back my chair and stagger after him.

LMAO

“We’ve made a terrible mistake!” Kovy shouts in this awful British accent. “Retreat!”

dumbasses 💀🫶🏼

“You left me to die,” I say. Cauler scoffs. “You really expect me to go back for my mortal enemy?” “That’s what I am to you?” “You’re a little shit, that’s what you are.” He grins as he grabs me by the shoulder and pushes me into the car.

Zero turns and drops his pants to give Delilah a full view of his bare ass on her turn, and now I’m the one to gasp and say, “Luca Cicero, that is my sister!”

WTF LMAO and he call mickey and jaysen children 😒

I wish I could just take apart my head and carve out every part that makes me like this, really. It’s exhausting being inside my own head.

“But that’s the thing,” I say. My voice shakes. “Nothing makes me happy. Not really. It’s not even that I don’t like hockey, it’s just … I don’t like anything. Not enough to matter. All I ever wanted with hockey was a choice. I wanted to come with you when you moved. I didn’t care about the best opportunities. I was ten. I wanted my family. You could’ve retired in Buffalo, but you chose to come here and keep playing. You chose to leave me. And when you did finally retire, instead of coming back, you stayed here.”

I want you. I want this. But how do we do that when we are who we are?”

“I don’t wanna be just another one of your former teammates,” he says into my hair. “I wanna be able to call you after your games and make fun of the faces you made on the bench or freak out about a sick play you made, and I want you to call and ask about mine and I want to wake up to texts from you. I want to be the one you call when you’re having a rough time.”

He smiles, so soft and beautiful it makes my heart stop for a second or two. I don’t think anyone’s ever looked at me like that before.