Finlay Donovan Knocks 'Em Dead (Finlay Donovan, #2)

by Elle Cosimano

Not because I wanted to kill Steven. I mean, I did, I guess. Some days. Most days. Definitely whenever he opened his mouth.

This chapter was definitely not in my copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I wanted my money back.

We usually met at the bar where he worked. Or in his apartment. Usually in his bed, occasionally on his sofa, and once on his kitchen floor.

“Do not take the Lord’s name in vain in my house, Finlay Grace McDonnell.” “Donovan,” Georgia and I corrected her in unison.

Men are pigs!

Vero plucked the stud finder from his hands. “Trust me, kid. Your mom does not need one of these.”

“Looks like someone went a little crazy with the batteries. I thought you said Julian was only gone for a week.”

“If you need some power tools, Stacey down the street just started one of those home-based adult toy businesses. Free batteries with every purchase and they offer discreet shipping.”

“I’ve seen the drawer in your nightstand, Finn, and I respectfully disagree.” The clerk’s eyes drew open wide. “What are you staring at?”

“He’s totally coming on to the Elf with the Shelf.

“I can always trim it back. The girl at the tree lot said it’s better to pick one that’s larger than you need than to get stuck with one that doesn’t fill the space.” Vero’s gaze dropped to Steven’s crotch. “Won’t she be disappointed.”

He gave the tree one last look as he threw open the door, slamming it behind him. I started as Vero placed her hand on my shoulder. “I knew we should have bought an extra shovel.”

Why did my heroine need a hero to save her? Why couldn’t she just be trusted to save herself?

“Ask for Cam.” Vero studied her nails and muttered, “Is he twelve, too?”

“Sorry,” he said. “Card reader’s down. Cash only.” “You’re a tech repair shop! How is your card reader down?” Vero tacked on a few expletives as I scraped two twenties from the bottom of the diaper bag. The kid took them without offering a receipt. “Let me guess,” she deadpanned. “Your printer’s down, too. Help desk, my ass,” she grumbled.

“Daaaaaaamn!” she breathed, holding my phone out of reach as I lunged for it. “Who do I have to kill to get forty percent of that?”

“What I should have done a month ago. I’m going to figure out who FedUp is and find a way to stop her.” “How are you going to do that?” “The same way I write a story.” “Not showering for days while you hoover gummy bears in your pajamas and swear at your laptop?” “No,” I said irritably, “I’m plotting Steven’s murder.” “Thank you, baby Jesus, it’s about damn time.” Vero ducked, giggling as I threw the marker at her head.

Who stands to benefit if Steven drops dead?” “The kids are the beneficiaries on his life insurance accounts.”

I made a mental note to murder Vero in her sleep.

“I was planning to check out this new restaurant with Joey on Saturday night, but he’s ditching me—” “For my mother,” Joey interjected. “I promised I’d take her to bingo.” “—and I thought maybe you’d want to go.” “Please go with him, Finlay,” Joey begged, “or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Oh, wow, Saturday … That’s not a lot of time. Vero’s usually off, and I don’t have a sitter.” “Yes, she does,” Vero called from the top of the stairs. “I don’t have anything to wear.” “Yes, you do!” she shouted. That’s it. I was definitely going to kill her.

He scooped her up and planted a kiss on her head. I’m pretty sure confetti exploded from my ovaries as he set her gently on her feet.

And now I have a melting corpsicle dripping dead-guy juice in my trunk.”

“I loved him!” she shot back. “Which you so clearly demonstrated by boning Feliks Zhirov in the back of his car.” “Daaaamn,” Vero whispered.

“I was scared! They killed a man in front of me. I didn’t know what to do!” “So you found the answer in Feliks Zhirov’s wallet?” “More like in his pants,” Vero muttered.

then how did Carl end up in all these pieces?” Theresa winced. “Oh, god. You didn’t…” Vero blanched. “So glad I skipped lunch.”

Have you ever tried to lift a dead body?” “All it would have taken was some table linens and a skateboard,” Vero said under her breath. I shot her a look.

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same for each other. That if she asked you, you wouldn’t do something like this for her?”

“Detective. I trust you’re enjoying your meal.” Her rich voice seemed to match the rest of her. Sophisticated and sharp, with the hint of an accent. “I was until you got here.”

but we have a problem.” “What problem?” “Which part do you want first?” “It’s a multipart problem?” “I’ve been busy,” she said, her voice clipped. “What’s the first part?” “We got an email from EasyClean.” “An email?” “Through the address you used to set up the account.” “What did she say?” “She said she has dibs on the job, and you’d better step off if you know what’s good for you. So I said—” “You replied to her?!” “—that if she wanted the money, she was gonna have to work for it because Anonymous2 backs down for nobody—” “Tell me you didn’t.” “I’m paraphrasing for the sake of brevity … Then she said, game on, bitch. And I said, bring it—” “Jesus.”

At least Theresa didn’t break the circuit when she took off her monitor.” “How’d she manage that?” “I wondered the same thing, so I Googled it. Guess what I found?” “A YouTube tutorial?” “That video was eye-opening, Finn. You never know when a butter knife will come in handy. We should consider keeping one in the garage.” “Noted,”

“Right, I promised. Just dinner this time.” He leaned close, bending to pick up the bags, his breath warm against my ear, making me shiver when he said, “But next time, Finn, I’m not making any promises.”

The best place to hide a dirty secret is across a state line. But what dirty secrets was Vero hiding?

“Of course, Mrs. Borovkov. Keep it as long as you like.” That was it? No may we see your license and proof of insurance to make sure you’re not on a wanted list? No sorry, it’s our policy to have a salesperson ride with you so you’re not tempted to steal it? Just here are your keys to this very expensive car, Mrs. Borovkov. Drive it to California if you’d like. We probably won’t miss it.

There was a dead guy in my washing machine (or, at least, part of one, which might actually be worse).

“Who’s the cougar?” one of them asked. “She’s kind of hot,” said another.

“Come on, Finlay. Tell us all about it. I’m dying to know if you sampled his biscuits.” Wine sprayed out my nose.

“Vero says he took you out to dinner. I hope you wore a dress.” My mother’s expression was doubtful. “Vero needs to learn to keep her big mouth shut.” She dodged as I crumpled my napkin and threw it at her.

These advances you’re making on your books are all very uncertain. What if no one buys them? What if your publisher decides they don’t want you to write them anymore?” “Gee, thanks, Ma. I’ve never stared at my ceiling all night, wondering about any of that.”

Vero smirked. “Personally, I’ve always felt there was better money in contract work.” If I’d had a knife, I would have thrown it at her.

“Then I’ll sleep on the couch.” If he did that, Vero would probably learn to make Molotov cocktails on YouTube and light the sofa on fire herself.

“Which one was it, sweetheart? The police officer or the law student? They’re both so handsome, I get them mixed up.” “Savage,” Vero whispered.

“He’s like a toddler, Finlay. He’s done playing with his toy, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have it, and he’s going to throw a tantrum until he gets his way.”

“How did you know Dad was the one?” My mother laughed. “Who says I ever did? Most days, I’m still not sure.”

“Give Nicholas a call. Go out and have some fun. But if you’re going to try his biscuits, be sure to use protection.” Upstairs in the bathroom, Vero cackled.

A wave of cinnamon apple air freshener and eau de slowly thawing dead guy washed over me

Joey stood at the foot of the stairs. His wide eyes jumped from Nick to me, and a slow smile spread over his face as he lowered his weapon. “Maybe I should come back later?” “It’s not what it looks like,” Nick said, hands raised as my sister burst into the house behind Joey. Her eyebrows leapt toward the ceiling when she spotted me behind Nick, wearing nothing but Delia’s towel. “Well, that escalated quickly.” Vero rushed into the house with Zach on her hip. “What’s with all the blue lights? Where’s Finlay? Is everything o … oh!” Vero slapped a hand over Zach’s eyes. “Finn, why are there three armed cops in the house? And why are you naked?” Nick, Georgia, and Joey all holstered their weapons.

“These must be the adult toys Finlay ordered. Stacey down the street does catalog parties. You know, like Tupperware but with batteries.” She showcased the front of the envelope. “See? They even offer discreet packaging to guarantee your privacy.” Three sets of eyes shot to me.

“I’m not walking away just because shit gets messy.

Vero threw her arms around me. “You’re not in jail!” “Not yet,” I said through her hair, struggling to breathe despite her vise grip around my neck.