Excuse Me While I Ugly Cry

by Joya Goffney

He’s also the type to do all the work in a group, because no one ever follows his orders just right. People tend to take advantage of that. I’m trying my best to not become one of those people,

Me

His name comes up several times in my journal.

Why would you haved an accessible journal

How can I possibly tell her that? How can I tell her that this quiz isn’t the first I’ve failed since I’ve been at Hayworth? And worse, that I didn’t make it into Columbia?

Theme. Pressure to live to family expectations

Black boy feel unsafe in our home.

Theme. How black people see each other

I stalk past him with my backpack on my shoulder. “I was invited.”

I could never do this to my folks!

stand close to Carter because, if I’m being honest, I am scared. It feels like they can see the other in me.

Why is she scared of black people like her dad

There are so many answers to that question, so many reasons. “My parents have been planning for me to go to Columbia since the day I was born. Unfortunately, they hadn’t planned on me being stupid.” Olivia rolls her eyes. “You’re not stupid.” “Have you seen my grades?” “I’ve seen your writing. You’re really talented.” I’m caught off guard. “When have you seen my writing?” English is undoubtedly my worst subject.

Definetly identity to this

“Being the exception to Black stereotypes automatically means that you’re not as Black.”

So who are the targets of black stereotypes? Black poor people?

“If you say that you’re not the type of person to feel comfortable in this situation, you’re telling yourself how to feel the next time.”

The narratives we tell ourselves become who we are in the future

“I don’t think white people should say the ‘friendly’ version of that word, knowing that somewhere, someone is still using it as hate speech. Doesn’t seem fair to Black people that every time they hear it, they have to figure out whether or not they’re being insulted.”

Never thought about this word so deeply

There are enough closed doors and glass ceilings in the world. My comfort zone shouldn’t be one of them.

Wisdom!

I’ve never been kissed like this. My list of boys I’ve ever kissed is extremely short and all occasions happened in elementary school, but Carter doesn’t know that. And I hope he doesn’t suspect by the way I kiss him back. I go with his flow, let him lead, dissolve into a bunch of sensory receptors and natural urges. Until my dad starts clapping his hands in my open doorway. “Hey!” We jump apart, nearly falling off the bed. “Olivia is here,” Dad says, frowning at us. She’s standing behind him in my doorway, waving at us with a ridiculous smile. “Please make sure that doesn’t happen again,” he says to her before walking away.

Can never happen in Africa

“We ain’t got a dad, but as far as I’m concerned, she’ll never be that girl with ‘daddy problems.’”

Cute

I wasted so much time living in fear that I thought I was comfortable, but I was writhing in a cage that I didn’t know existed, making lists of all my worries with no intent to do anything about them.

Powerful!

“I kept all of my truth in a journal so that it could never get out, but once it did finally come out, everything blew up in my face. I lied to myself about my friends, that I wasn’t offended by their racism. I lied to myself about my grandma, that time would stop for me, and would start back up once I was ready to face her. I lied to myself about my parents.”

The Core of the book

“How You Gonna Act Like That” is my favorite song too. That wasn’t a lie.

Me too

He looks down and back up with a tiny smile. Then he goes in his pocket and pulls out another folded piece of notebook paper.

I love this part. Im such succor for love

But maybe none of this matters. Maybe the only thing I need to remember is my name, who I love, and what I love about life. That’s all Hattie remembers. Maybe that’s all that matters.

The only list we need is of who and what we love

“I want you to be able to celebrate our differences. I need you to be aware that our differences will get us different outcomes in life. And I need you to know that just because I don’t fit into your stereotypes, that doesn’t mean I’m any less Black.”