The Words

by Ashley Jade

The girl is such a bitch she makes Regina George look like Mary Poppins.

Whoever said ignoring a bully was the best course of action was either a fucking idiot or someone who never experienced true torment.

Because fat girls don’t eat in front of hot guys they have crushes on. It’s sort of an unwritten rule.

“Absolutely not. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to let that fear hold you back from experiencing life.”

A hostile snort cuts me off. “Wait until he breaks your heart.”

When you fall off a building, all your bones break. But when you fall in love? It’s your heart that breaks.

The disease is a heartless, cruel trick because even though physically my dad still looks like my dad…he’s a mere shell of the man he once was.

I feel like the universe is seriously fucking with me because she isn’t just my type. She’s a goddamn fantasy I wasn’t even aware I had come to life.

“Mistakes don’t define who someone is, Phoenix. It’s what you do after that does.”

“All girls are detectives when they need to be.”

He’s the sun…pulling me into his atmosphere.

He breathes me in, I bleed him out.

Telling someone you’re not into them when they’re really into you is harsh enough. Telling them on their birthday? That’s straight up heartless.

He doesn’t realize I’m already gone. “Tell him about us.” I can’t look at him as I deliver my next words. “There is no us.” And he only has himself to blame.

But the sun can’t be volatile like the ocean…otherwise the universe becomes a dark, cold, and lonely place. The sun needs to be in control…because the entire world revolves around it.

Rara avis. It means rare bird in Latin. A phenomenon. A prodigy.

“Well, she was my tutor, but we had a strong connection and ended up forming a friendship.”

“She helped me pass an English final so I could graduate high school. I met her in the band room to tell her the good news, but the moment I saw her sitting at the piano…it felt like someone hit me over the head with a steel pipe.”

“I thought about all the hours she spent helping me, the reading pen she bought me…her unwavering belief in me.” His gaze drops to my mouth, and he leans in. “When I told her I passed, she ran over and hugged me, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted more.”

“According to Skylar, boys get dumber with age.” Skylar’s not wrong.

“You didn’t have to steal it.” Just when I thought there was nothing inside me left for him to break, something deep inside my chest smashes.

My forehead hits his chest and I inhale him into my system. I don’t have to experiment with drugs to know he’s the most lethal one out there for me.

“But he’s got a good heart. And while it’s not fair that in order to get to the good stuff you’ll have to trudge through a mountain of abandonment issues and damage…once you finally reach the gooey center, you’ll realize that underneath all that crap is a guy who not only wants to be loved but will give that back to you tenfold.” She makes a face. “Once he pulls his head out of his ass.”

Because the only thing that hurts worse than a broken heart is watching someone walk away with everything you ever wanted…because you fucked it all up.”

It’s done. Over. Kaput.

Given our memories shape all facets of who we are…seeing a man who looks like my dad but doesn’t act like my dad is a brand of psychological torture I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

“Don’t let your insecurities overpower that which makes your soul come alive. Otherwise, you’ll walk this earth never feeling whole…and that’s no way to live.”

He wants forgiveness. But there’s no way I can give him that because what he did destroyed parts of me I can’t get back. I want to forget him. But there’s no way I can because he’s still in my veins…all the ones leading to the organ in my chest.

“Because perfect to you is this…how it was between us before everything changed.” His voice drops to a raw rasp. “It’s who I was…not who I became.”

“I think about it all the time.” His eyes cut to mine. “We’d still be together.” He says it like it’s an indisputable fact.

The only reason I’m still in his atmosphere is because I’m choosing to be.

Including the fucked-up thing in my chest. I don’t know how I’m supposed to enjoy any of this without you. I’m still lying here... In the mess I made.

Because I’m supposed to be the cutter... But you’re the one who cut me.

Losing him shouldn’t hurt this much.

That’s my fault. Sometimes you want something so bad you’ll give up everything to get it, but I learned my lesson.

But I’ll spend the rest of my life not only putting the pieces together but making it even stronger.

But love alone isn’t enough, it needs something else—something essential—in order to thrive and get you through all the fucked-up tests life throws at a relationship.

“Ah,” he says. “So the still not okay fine.”

Because I’d rather be miserable with her than happy with anyone else.