Bullet Train (Assassins #2)

by Kōtarō Isaka

Probably nothing going on inside, thinks Tangerine. Often the case with people who don’t read fiction.

He’s so perfect

‘I’m Dolce, he’s Gabbana,’ he says off-handedly.

I chuckled

Lemon sticks his hand in his jacket pocket, rummages around, pulls out a glossy sheet about the size of an address book.

THE STICKER SHEET

‘That’s not what I mean. I’m a woman, what if my face gets messed up?’ ‘What year are you from? Ever heard of gender equality?’ ‘This conversation is sexual harassment.’

Their banter is so beautiful

Upon closer inspection the woman in the green dress is not a woman, but a man in make-up. Adam’s apple, broad shoulders. Micro-skirt and the bare thighs. ‘Hey, buddy, ogle me a little more, why dontcha?’

Jaw dropped

‘The trauma boom is over,’

So true

Why is it wrong to kill people, or how can everyone be so calm when every living thing is going to die, oh, life is so empty! Everyone thinks this stuff. It’s like standard teenage angst.’

Kimura calling people out

You’re such a typical B.’ Lemon snorts. ‘Don’t try to sum me up by my blood type. There’s no scientific proof for that. Talking seriously about that stuff just makes you sound stupid. If it were true, that would make you organised and precise just because you’re an A.’

I love this so much

Just for future reference, Tangerine, if you think someone’s about to kill you, make sure you leave behind some useful clues.’

😭

Lemon sneers. ‘I’m not gonna die.’ ‘You’ll die, and you’ll die alone.’ ‘Even if I do die, I’ll come back.’ ‘Yeah, it’s like you to be so stubborn. But I’m going to die someday. Alone.’ ‘And I’m telling you, when you do, leave me some kind of clue.’

The foreshadowing is earth shattering

‘You too, Tangerine. You and me, if we die, we’ll come back for sure.’

“THEYRE ALIVE” I shout as they drag me into the asylum

Maria sighs audibly. ‘Just take care of it. I’m going to sleep.’ ‘It’s the middle of the day.’ ‘I was up all night watching movies. Every single episode of Star Wars.’

She’s so me coded

‘Wow. Did you learn all that by heart?’ ‘If Thomas was on the college entrance exams, I’d have got into Tokyo U.’

Literally me with anything useless

‘Rough stuff,’ says the kid. He’s standing behind Lemon, apparently also reading the news. ‘Thirteen people.’ ‘I did at least six, probably more. Tangerine did the rest. It’s more than a couple, but it’s not that much.’ ‘What?’

💀

‘Lemon is the one that likes Thomas the Tank Engine, and Tangerine is the serious one that likes reading novels. Lemon’s a classic B blood type and Tangerine’s a classic A. If they ever got married it’d definitely end in divorce.’

Or death…

‘Maybe if I retire now,’ Nanao says into his phone, ‘I’ll become a legend too.’ ‘Oh sure,’ Maria shoots back, ‘you’ll go down in history as the man who couldn’t get off the train at Ueno Station.’ ‘I’ll be getting off at Omiya.’ ‘Good idea. That way they won’t call you the man who couldn’t get off the train at Omiya.’ Nanao hangs up and goes back to his original seat in car four.

😍

‘Not a very nice thing to say to someone whose personal record you’ve just broken. Thomas sounds like a real jerk.’

‘Yeah. He shouldn’t have just gone and died. Selfish. You don’t think so? He didn’t even leave any clues.’

‘Hey, don’t tell me I’ve got no attention span. I’ll give you an example. Take Thomas and Friends . . .’ ‘For fuck’s sake.’

Lemon is so me

Tangerine waves him away. He wants to point out that if that’s the kind of thing Lemon cares about, there are three characters named Nikolai in Anna Karenina,

Aaron Taylor Johnson playing both Tangerine in the movie and being in the movie adaptation of Anna Karenina is my new Roman Empire

Then his face goes rigid and his eyes widen, which makes Tangerine’s brow furrow in consternation. What happened? He wonders, then turns his head and sees something he doesn’t quite believe: Lemon lifting up Little Minegishi’s dead hand and waving it, like he was playing with a giant doll. With the kid’s head against the window and his body slumped on the wall the angle of the waving hand looks completely bizarre. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ Tangerine

They somehow manage to get the body upright and stable. Tangerine and Lemon collapse back into their seats simultaneously. ‘We’re fucked.’ Tangerine can’t help stating the obvious. Lemon just starts to sing quietly, ‘Accidents happen, don’t take it a-a-all so h-a-ard!’

They’re tooooo funny I cannot

‘I’m not trying to freak you out. This is just the story of your life. The god of bad luck is totally in love with you. Or the goddess, I guess.’ Nanao tries to steady himself against the swaying. ‘Is the goddess of bad luck good-looking?’ ‘Do you really want to know?’ ‘I guess I’ll pass.’

‘Hey, maybe that’s Murdoch,’ Nanao mutters absently, not intending anything in particular. It isn’t a ploy, and if it were he wouldn’t expect it to work. He just noticed the other train and wondered what model it was, and spoke his thoughts aloud. But Lemon, without any scepticism whatsoever, excitedly says, ‘Where?’ and turns to look.

‘Exactly. That’s Nanao. He flies.’ Tangerine doesn’t know how to answer. ‘Uh, humans can’t fly.’

‘Come on. This is ridiculous. You’re nowhere near being a useful train. More like a totally useless train,’ he mutters. ‘You’re not even a train at all.’ Lemon’s body jolts forward. His eyes open but they don’t seem to see anything. He grips Tangerine’s shoulder. ‘Who’s a useless train?’ he bellows,

Ur honor I love them

Who goes and complains to their parents? So his dad got angry. Isn’t it stupid how worked up parents get over their kids? Dumb lawyer, thinks he’s so important.’

*cough cough*

‘See, I’m saying that’s just like a superstition. Don’t cross Minegishi or you’ll end up dead! It’s like a warped preconception gave rise to a group bias that then warps reality even further.’ ‘Talk like a normal teenager, okay?’

He’s happy to have won, but he’s not sure how he feels about the prize. ‘What am I going to do with all this?’ The box is packed with fruit, two kinds, divided neatly in half. Fist-sized tangerines and bright yellow lemons.

I LAUGHED

He takes a good look at the fruit. For the barest moment he feels a flash of pride emanating from the tangerines and lemons, almost like they’re saying to him: See, told you we’d be back.

Maybe greatest final line I’ve ever read