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What I don’t want is all the feelings she stirs up in me. I don’t want to have to look at her every day and wish I could touch her or let her touch me, because it’s pure torture wanting something that you won’t let yourself have.
I hear a sharp intake of air from between her lips when I pause there. I want to swallow that noise and taste her mouth. Claim it. I want her to never kiss another man again. But that’s not practical. Not realistic.
Some days are good, some aren’t. Mostly they’re good now. Lonely, but good . . . or good enough. But am I alright? I doubt it.
I’m so mad. At me. Not even at him. Because he’s right. He was nothing but upfront with me about his limitations. About his rules. Yet, I barged ahead thinking I’d be the one he’d change for.
“You look so fucking pretty in pink,” I say as I stalk to the bed, feeling my knees butt up against the brass footboard. And when she lets her legs fall open, I groan. “You’re going to be the death of me.” “Good,” she says with a slight smirk. A small sign of her strength.
Because in what universe does this woman want me to be an us with her. I literally shake my head and count my lucky fucking stars.
I don’t want to hear it. You’ve always been clear about your limitations. And now I need to set my own. I spent a whole year thinking I might be the exception to your rule. That maybe, just maybe, I would be the one to change your mind. Which is stupid, right?” I laugh tearfully,
“I’m never going to force you to change, and twice now, you’ve proven that I’m not worth changing for. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
I wish you could see it in yourself. What I see in you? So much strength. So much love. But I can’t make you embrace it. That’s on you. I don’t believe for one second that you don’t want us. But you’re stuck, Cole. You can’t see past one moment of your life. One terrible moment. And you’re letting it define your entire existence.”
“When you’re ready to make other moments just as important, let me know. This isn’t me quitting on you. But I won’t wait around forever, Cole. Figure your shit out.”
I keep my eyes trained on the door as I say it. My escape route. Because if I look at Cole right now, I’ll go back to him. I’ll wrap him in my arms. I’ll kiss him. I’ll forgive him. And that’s not what either of us needs right now.
I’m going to try. More than that, I’m going to just fucking do it. Because you? Us? I think we’re meant to be. You found me, and I found you. Over and over again. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.”
I loved you before I ever met you. And God knows, I love you even more now.”
