You, Again

by Kate Goldbeck

Ari: Sometimes I say ridiculous things just so you’ll get this really specific look on your face where you’re kind of annoyed but mostly amused and it gives me more joy than making other people actually laugh. You do this thing with your mouth when you’re deciding what to say next and I find it really hot and I never told you that. I get this Pavlovian smile response every single time I get a text from you, even if it’s just one word, because you still make me a little nervous and excited. I want to give you shit about the clown costume forever. It’ll never get old for me. I want to buy the organic grapes with you. I want to bring you chicken noodle soup when you’re sick.

I want to wear your shirts. I want you to take your shirts off me and whisper dirty things in my ear. I want to wake up to your voice every morning and fall asleep to it every night. I built my entire life around not needing anyone. But I NEED you. I’m sorry it took me so long to let myself believe that. I don’t know if these are the right words to make you believe in it, too. Because I’m not healed yet. My existential wound is still fucking bleeding. And it might be too late. But you said there’s never going to be a perfect time. So I’m here now, saying that we deserve to be happy. Maybe there’s no such thing as soulmates, but I think you’re my person. And I’m yours. And I don’t want to wait for it anymore. I want to wake up with you tomorrow.

Maybe there’s no such thing as soulmates. Maybe there are only people who trust each other enough to begin something without being assured of the end.