Stoicism for Inner Peace

by Einzelgänger

The problem of the anxious part of ourselves is that it’s a control freak. I can attest to that. If I’m anxious, it’s mostly because I want to control the future – which is impossible. Control freaks simply cannot handle insecurity. They are stuck in the dreadful absurdity of trying to figure out what cannot be figured out, and with repetitive attempts they keep trying nonetheless.

Epictetus points out that you’re not entitled to the things you wish for, but only to the things that are naturally given to you.

“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”

Our desire to be liked probably comes from the deeply rooted fear of being abandoned. In the past, especially during the tribal age, abandonment could easily mean death, so being liked was useful for survival.

The more we value things beyond our control, the less control we have.

Lust, on the other hand, is a desire for something that is not in our control. When we’re lustful, we crave the body of another human being. And when this body, for some reason, isn’t available, we suffer.

“Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.”

Jealousy generates pain. Furthermore, we lose the things that we fear to lose anyway. If we realize that happiness isn’t found in those things we’re afraid to lose but rather in our ability to be content without them, we might have an easier time letting them go. Stoicism focuses on living well regardless of the circumstances. Paradoxically, when we focus on living well instead of anxiously clinging to the things that we don’t want to lose, we might even attract more preferred indifferents into our lives and the ones that are already with us are more likely to stick. Being jealous only drives them away.

The problem is, however, that many envious people seek to destroy what causes their envy instead of using envy as a compass to improve themselves.

When you let anger out, it will leave scars. You can stick a knife in someone and pull it out, but no matter how often you apologize, the scar will be there forever.”

And at the end of the day, what the people around us do is not up to us. If they feel that panic is the answer, we can only change their minds if they’re open to alternatives. But when they aren’t, we’ll only waste time trying. In such cases, we are better off restraining ourselves from going along with their panic, so we maintain our inner peace.

to not feel forlorn, we must develop the skills to entertain ourselves and to be occupied with ourselves when we’re alone. Instead of shedding tears because someone has left us, or weep because we’re without company, having ourselves to fall back on is paramount.

“Why will no man confess his faults? Because he is still in their grasp; only he who is awake can recount his dream, and similarly a confession of sin is a proof of sound mind. Let us, therefore, rouse ourselves, that we may be able to correct our mistakes.”

All humans make mistakes. Instead of repeating our faults over and over again, it’s much wiser to focus on our lives right now, and show, primarily to ourselves, that we’re making a change. A forgiving person understands this and will probably celebrate our efforts to be better. Unforgiving people, however, have always been around and will probably not cease to exist anytime soon.

As mentioned earlier, a great habit that helps us stay focused on our daily endeavors is making a list of tasks the night before. This way, we premeditate on what we have to do when we get up in the morning, which has a calming effect on the mind. When we design our days beforehand, there’s less for the mind to worry about.

Marcus Aurelius was critical of people seeking refuge from their daily worries by traveling or residing in quiet places like the mountains or beaches. In his mind, this was an idiotic thing to do, because why should we travel when we can get away by going within?

Whatever overcomes us is the way of the universe. There’s no need to force the issue. So when we’re sick, we shouldn’t force ourselves to do things we cannot do.

What happens around us isn’t that important. It’s more important what we do with it. Therefore, we can choose to focus our attention on our thoughts and emotions, rather than constantly worrying about stuff we can’t do much about anyway. This doesn’t mean that we close ourselves off completely. It means that we develop a healthy indifference towards outside events so that they won’t stress us out too much.

’Being of service’ boils down to taking a good look at ourselves, making an inventory of our skills, and seeing how we can use them to benefit humanity. Deriving meaning from your service is a road to fulfillment.

The future isn’t good or bad; it’s just another path. Change is the very essence of life, and resisting change is like resisting life. It’s the resistance to change that makes us suffer and not the change itself. As soon as we resist change, we’re already in the future. Because instead of accepting the present moment, we try to preserve what has already passed for the days to come. Thus, we cling to the past and want to recreate it in the future. But there’s no future and there’s no past. There’s only now. When fate comes, it comes in the present. That’s why embracing fate can only be done in the present moment. So, when the thing we anticipate hasn’t happened yet, why worry about it? But when it comes, we might want to love it in the here and now – love it before it’s gone. If we don’t, we might regret that we didn’t enjoy the moment when it was right before us.