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Stoicism, which is that most things are simply not up to us.
There are still aspects of our life that are up to us. Among them are the opinions we form, the decisions we make, or, simply put, our actions. What happens around us is not up to us. The position we take towards the outside world is up to us. Epictetus emphasizes that our focus should lie on the things within our control, while maintaining a contempt for the things not in our control.
Staying calm during adversity, and letting go of the results, may come across as indifferent. However, this tranquility helps us to act in agreement with reason, instead of being overwhelmed by emotion. This probably leads to making better choices which increases the chances of recovery.
Life is short. That’s why it’s important to channel our life energy towards essential and important things and leave unimportant things be.
Stoics have a simple but very effective trick to ease this anxiety: amor fati. This Latin phrase means ‘love of fate.’
If I’m anxious, it’s mostly because I want to control the future – which is impossible. Control freaks simply cannot handle insecurity. They are stuck in the dreadful absurdity of trying to figure out what cannot be figured out, and with repetitive attempts they keep trying nonetheless. The Stoic you, however, has a different approach. It fully embraces fate no matter what.
Amor fati doesn’t mean that we should sit in an armchair all day letting life pass by. It means that we make the best of every moment as far as fate allows it. It means that we work towards our goals, give them our all, but, when the results turn out to be different than expected, fully embrace and accept our fate.
Your partner stays faithful? Great. Your partner cheats? Well, good riddance! This has created the opportunity to focus on yourself, which may lead to rapid personal growth, deep introspection, and the joy of solitude. Also, a more suitable person might appear in your life along the way. Who knows? Nobody can predict the future.
When we embrace whatever happens, what could go wrong? Nothing. And amor fati creates just that. When things can’t go wrong, there’s nothing to worry about. When there’s nothing to worry about, the fear of the future won’t sap our energy and make us feel miserable. By unconditionally embracing our destiny, we have nothing to fear.
When someone throws an insult at me, the first thing I ask myself is: “Who am I dealing with?” The insulter is often just plain ignorant. If that’s indeed the case, spending time addressing these insults is kind of pointless.
work Of Anger (that was addressed to his elder brother Novatus) he explains that ‘not striking back’ is the way to stop the quarrel. Yes, by doing so, the attacker might be perceived as the winner but, according to Seneca, the winner is the real loser. The real winner is the one who prevented serious damage from being inflicted, like a wound, or a broken leg. The real loser is the one who intended to provoke a reaction but didn’t get what he wanted.
“Remember, that not he who gives ill language or a blow insults, but the principle which represents these things as insulting. When, therefore, anyone provokes you, be assured that it is your own opinion which provokes you.”
What people throw in your direction is not up to you. Getting offended, however, is a choice.
To Stoics, the ultimate happiness is eudaimonia. This Greek word can be translated into ‘a state of flourishing’ which also entails a sense of inner peace and tranquility.
Virtue can be subdivided into wisdom, justice, courage, and moderation (which are the cardinal virtues). Vice can be subdivided into foolishness, injustice, cowardice, and intemperance.
amount of money you have or the social status you enjoy, are ultimately not the deciding factors when it comes to virtuous living.
Epictetus points out that you’re not entitled to the things you wish for, but only to the things that are naturally given to you.
when our expectations exceed what nature ultimately has in store for us, we suffer. This suffering comes from wanting things to happen differently and not from the events themselves.
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
our age of individualism.
Our desire to be liked probably comes from the deeply rooted fear of being abandoned.
“If you have an earnest desire of attaining to philosophy, prepare yourself from the very first to be laughed at, to be sneered by the multitude, to hear them say, ‘He is returned to us a philosopher all at once,’ and ‘Whence this supercilious look?’ Now, for your part, don’t have a supercilious look indeed; but keep steadily to those things which appear best to you as one appointed by God to this station. For remember that, if you adhere to the same point, those very persons who at first ridiculed will afterwards admire you. But if you are conquered by them, you will incur a double ridicule.”
The Stoics pointed out long ago that we do not control the opinions of others, and that the things we do not control are fickle. The more we value things beyond our control, the less control
“When another blames you or hates you, or when men say anything injurious about you, approach their poor souls, penetrate within, and see what kind of men they are. You will discover that there is no reason to be concerned that these men have this or that opinion about you.”
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die: it’s a waste of time.
Such love is self-serving, rather than serving others. In many ways, romantic love is built on clinging and aversion. We cling to someone tenaciously and are averse to the idea of being separated. “He who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he who incurs the object of his aversion wretched,”
“In marriage there must be complete companionship and concern for each other on the part of both husband and wife, in health and in sickness and at all times, because they entered upon the marriage for this reason as well as to produce offspring.”
Virtue is the only thing we need to be happy from the Stoic view.
Living a virtuous life is completely within our control, and doesn’t necessarily include a partner. Stoics see romance, relationships, marriage, and even having a family as nonessential for happiness; they are also in the list of unreliable factors. Those things are preferred indifferents (see chapter ‘Happiness’): nice to have but not mandatory for a happy life.
“Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.”
“Some things are rushing into existence, others out of it. Some of what now exists is already gone. Change and flux constantly remake the world, just as the incessant progression of time remakes eternity.”
let the tears flow; be human first, and when the initial shock subsides,
There’s a difference between jealousy and envy. Jealousy comes from a fear of losing something to another person (which is very common in intimate relationships). Envy is wanting something that someone else has, like a car, a house, looks, and feeling discontent about not having these things ourselves.
