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Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die: it’s a waste of time. With a little bit of compassion, we’ll see that those who offend us are human beings after all. There
In some cases, it’s not unwise to be ‘concerned’ about other people’s opinions if the criticism is helpful in any way. However, ruminating about someone else’s dislike towards us won’t get us anywhere.
outside us and irrelevant to our mental well-being. And at the end of the day, what other people think is none of our business.
Epictetus described the things in our control as “by nature free, unrestrained, and unhindered.” That’s why we can give this type of love away freely, and don’t need anything in return; so the quality of it doesn’t depend on what outside forces are up to. Lust, on the other hand, is a desire for something that is not in our control.
Epictetus described the things not in our control as “weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others.”
When two people fall in love, they reside in a period of infatuation popularly called the ‘honeymoon phase.’ Whether or not nature meant this to be simply an incentive to procreate, the honeymoon phase doesn’t last.
many ways, romantic love is built on clinging and aversion. We cling to someone tenaciously and are averse to the idea of being separated. “He who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he who incurs the object of his aversion wretched,” said Epictetus.
The experience of being wretched is commonly seen in individuals in a state of romantic love, in the form of ‘jealousy’ (see more in chapter ‘Jealousy’).
“But among the worst I count also those who have time for nothing but wine and lust; for none have more shameful engrossments.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca, On The Shortness Of Life, 7.1
This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t experience lust at all. The joy of sexual intimacy, for example, can be seen as a preferred indifferent (see chapter ‘Happiness’) which, according to Stoic ethics, must not be prioritized above virtuous living, which includes self-control and modesty.
Stoic philosopher Musonius Rufus also valued marriage and saw mutual caring as the cornerstone of a successful union: “In marriage there must be complete companionship and concern for each other on the part of both husband and wife, in health and in sickness and at all times, because they entered upon the marriage for this reason as well as to produce offspring.” Musonius Rufus, Lecture XIII A
Musonius also observed that, when in a marriage people only look to their interests and neglect their partners, it is doomed to fail.
For the sake of simplicity, I would say that the core of Stoic love is the facilitation of virtue.
Having read the ancient Stoic texts, I would say that Stoics do not disapprove of intimacy as long it doesn’t impede virtue and we’re realistic about our expectations. Quite
all probability, there wasn’t a dating culture in ancient Greece similar to what we have now.
We just have to read the ancient Stoics to discover that they dealt with the same emotions then as we do now: lust, craving, attachment, and anger.
To understand why we suffer so much after a breakup, we need to deconstruct what’s happening with us when we break up and why we feel so bad.
For some reason, we’re wired in such a way that after the ‘honeymoon phase’ these intense feelings begin to subside and we stop idolizing the other person. But after this temporary high is gone, a deep attachment often remains.
Is attachment due to romance wrong in itself? I wouldn’t say it’s wrong in a moral sense, but it’s the root cause of suffering.
1) I need that person to be happy. This attachment can manifest itself in clingy behavior and the illusion that we need this particular person to be happy.
With so many people on this planet, it’s insane to think that there’s only one person suited to you. But,
If we suffer from a breakup because we believe that we need the other person to be happy, we erroneously think that our happiness depends on something external.
Stoics see romance, relationships, marriage, and even having a family as nonessential for happiness; they are also in the list of unreliable factors. Those things are preferred indifferents (see chapter ‘Happiness’): nice to have but not mandatory for a happy life.
Feeling entitled to someone can evoke a lot of anger in people.
At the same time, it’s important to always remember that monogamy and sexual exclusivity haven’t always been the norm. These concepts have become part of our normative framework over the years, as part of the culture and religious traditions – which is why many consider marriage sacred.
“Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.” Epictetus, Enchiridion, 11
“Some things are rushing into existence, others out of it. Some of what now exists is already gone. Change and flux constantly remake the world, just as the incessant progression of time remakes eternity.” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.15
way to deal with grief is a balance of active engagement with the world and moments in solitude to ‘sit with it.’
This is my take-away from this passage: let the tears flow; be human first, and when the initial shock subsides, let’s see if Stoic philosophy can be applied as a bandage to the wound.
When there’s someone or something we cherish – like a spouse or a friend or, perhaps, a certain social status – we might experience a fear of losing that particular person or thing to someone else. This is jealousy.
ourselves. I’ll talk about envy later. When we look at jealousy from a Stoic viewpoint, we can identify two elements: the illusion of permanence and the belief that external things will make us happy.
“Bear in mind that everything that exists is already fraying at the edges, and in transition, subject to fragmentation and to rot.” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 10.18
Worrying about them won’t stop them from happening. Trying to control the external world that’s not up to us anyway is a waste of time.
Jealousy generates pain. Furthermore, we lose the things that we fear to lose anyway. If we realize that happiness isn’t found in those things we’re afraid to lose but rather in our ability to be content without them, we might have an easier time letting them go.
By narrowing down the emotion of envy, we discover that it is a form of desire, specifically directed at things that belong to other people.
When the thing that causes our envy is something external, like someone else’s money, partner, car, or job, we desire pleasure rather than happiness.
“You may be unconquerable, if you enter into no combat in which it is not in your own control to conquer. When, therefore, you see anyone eminent in honors, or power, or in high esteem on any other account, take heed not to be hurried away with the appearance, and to pronounce him happy; for, if the essence of good consists in things in our own control, there will be no room for envy or emulation.” Epictetus, Enchiridion, 19
Cain offered God a part of his crops while Abel offered God the firstlings of his flock. Cain murdered his brother after God accepted Abel’s offerings while He rejected his. The story doesn’t explicitly mention ‘envy,’ but interpretations of it magnify the theme of envious rivalry between siblings, a phenomenon that’s affected humankind to this day.
The second scenario is that God denied Cain’s offerings for no reason, which would resemble the view of the universe in the Epicurean as well as the Absurdist sense, namely, that of randomness. Why, for example, are some born into rich families and others into poverty?
Whether or not we’re all part of a divine plan, the acute sense of unfairness angered Cain so much, that he decided to act out.
“Come now, contrast a good man who is rolling in wealth with a man who has nothing, except that in himself he has all things; they will be equally good, though they experience unequal fortune. This same standard, as I have remarked, is to be applied to things as well as to men; virtue is just as praiseworthy if it dwells in a sound and free body, as in one which is sickly or in bondage.” Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius, 66.22
So, is envy a bad thing? It depends on what makes us envious of and how we deal with this emotion. From a Stoic viewpoint, being envious because of external factors like money, beauty, or the neighbor’s car is unworthy of our energy.
But, not having all these material riches that we’re perpetually being sold, won’t obstruct our ability to be happy.
The rule of thumb is that, if we just focus on our path, stop feeling entitled to the blessings of others, and be grateful for what we have, there’s no reason to be envious of anything.
aversion can cause a lot of trouble: the root of hate and fear lies in it.
“Remember that following desire promises the attainment of that of which you are desirous; and aversion promises the avoiding that to which you are averse. However, he who fails to obtain the object of his desire is disappointed, and he who incurs the object of his aversion wretched.” Epictetus, Enchiridion, 2
key element of Stoic philosophy is the virtue of moderation. In this case, moderation means that we ought to relate to the external world with temperance.
“Remember that you must behave in life as at a dinner party. Is anything brought around to you? Put out your hand and take your share with moderation. Does it pass by you? Don’t stop it. Is it not yet come? Don’t stretch your desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you.” Epictetus, Enchiridion, 15
Strong aversion leads to our environment dictating our emotions all the time. By weakening our aversions, we’ll be less shaken when bad things happen to us. We can do this, for example, by consciously embracing fate, by reminding ourselves that encountering adversity is inevitable and that not incurring these things isn’t the main goal, but maintaining our tranquility is.
Life can be extremely stressful at times. This is basically because we’re holding on to illusions of control and because our minds are overthinking and ruminating round the clock.
