I Need You To Hate Me

by Genicious

I would do anything to hear her voice again—to see her. My mother had always put everyone else before herself. She was kind-hearted, and passionate for a breath of life. She didn’t deserve what happened to her,

My mom pushed me toward my goals, reminding me that there’s nothing I couldn’t achieve.

What’s the point of living? Is it a way to pass time that doesn’t even exist? And maybe, inherently, nothing matters in the grand scheme of things.

My mind demands to be occupied. If I let it roam freely, I discover it tugging me toward the past that I can’t change, no matter how hard I yearn to.

“Ace, we all do bad things. But not all bad things make us bad people. Redemption is possible.”

Will I ever get over the fact that my mom, my lifelong best friend, is gone? Everyone says time heals all wounds, but how long? Or is my wound an empty hole incapable of mending?

I envision that I see my mom—in the stars, in the lake. She’s all around me, yet I’m still so forlorn.

It’s at times like this when darkness overcomes and the silence engulfs the night. This is when my guilt and truly traumatized heart kick in, no distractions, no noise, just my wandering mind to keep me accountable for all the pain I could’ve avoided.

I need the despair, the suffering to fade, even if it’s for a brief second.

For every high, there’s a low—a high always must come down. That’s what makes the world go around.

“Then, it is everything to you,” he says, glancing at me. I smile. “It used to be. I don’t think that’s the case anymore. It gets claustrophobic if I spend too long here.” Maybe that’s why it took me the longest time to cope with my mother’s death. I was trapped in this house, where everything reminded me of her. My mom was the life of it, and when she died, it was as though everything died with her—including me. “Is that why you decided to move away to college?” Ace asks. “I guess that’s part of the reason. I needed to get away. To remind myself that there’s something out there for me, and my dad convinced me.”

People come, people go, and that’s just a way of life. They almost always leave something behind, either a treasured lesson or a particular memory that will cross your mind when you think of them.

Some people have dreams, others have nightmares, but the best sleep is filled

with nothingness.

And even in my nightmares, I still can’t save her. I can’t do anything to change the sequence of events, all I can do is watch them unfold in front of me.

“It’s a waste of time and energy to analyze the past. To try put pieces back together, to justify what could have happened, when in reality, there’s nothing you can do to turn back the clock,”

“Living in the past only fucks up the present,”

but two things can happen when a collision occurs. The stars either form as one, or they collapse into a black hole.

Because nothing that feels this good can last. And nothing can escape a black hole, not even us.

How many times can a heart break?

Her words gave me a reason to continue pursuing more.