I Need You To Hate Me

by Genicious

My head throbs, and I’m convinced I can see stars for a few seconds. The towel that I held onto for dear life has now fallen at my ankles as I struggle to come back to my senses. When I do, I find myself in a situation that I’d rather be unconscious for. I’m naked—absolutely and utterly naked, except for my fluffy bunny slippers, and staring into a pair of amused eyes. Ace. To make matters worse, Ace is shirtless himself.

When footsteps move towards me, my body stills. Ace leans over me, his body heat dancing with mine.

In the heat of the moment, I grab the stupid pancake with the whipped cream and splatter it on his smug face. I don’t stick around to see his reaction—grabbing my bag from the chair, I storm outside.

Ace stops at my side and laces his fingers through mine. What is he doing? I’m frozen; I’ve completely forgotten how to move. His calloused thumb brushes against the back of my hand, and the warmth from our contact radiates through me.

“Let’s start over—as friends?”

Ace gently places his hand on my jaw, turning me to meet his gaze again. “Like you and me.” I’m still confused about what that means, but the way he says it makes me feel

something, something that I shouldn’t. Am I reading too much into this? Is this another one of his games?

Ace’s eyes are on me—I can feel them. The lingering makes my throat dry. I struggle not to flinch away or show him that he affects me in a way that I can’t possibly begin to describe.

He mumbles something I can’t quite catch under his breath. His jaw tenses, and he exhales deeply, shaking his head. “I’m going for a shower,” he states, storming towards his bathroom. I’m a bit taken aback by his suddenness. I continue watching the movie before turning the lights on. Ten minutes later, Ace finally returns. He sits next to me. His shoulder is cool against my own. “Cold shower?”

“Are you and Ace…you know?” She wiggles her eyebrows. “Fucking?”

“Do you have any idea what you do to me? What that does to me?”

“We’ll get something to eat.” He takes my hand again, the gesture becoming overly comfortable. I can get used to this, and that terrifies the shit out of me. “Is this okay?” he asks, glancing at our hands. I give him a small nod—it’s more than okay.

I don’t have time to consider what I’m doing before I reach out and trace his cheekbones with my fingers. His skin burns under my fingers, and when his eyes meet mine, they are full of immoral promises. “Ace, we all do bad things. But not all bad things make us bad people. Redemption is possible.”

He gazes at me like I’m the stars when all I’ve ever felt before was the darkness that encircles them. He makes me feel insanely sane for the first time in my life. “It

But at this moment, I’m an addict who can’t get enough. All the hurt in my mind, all the frustration and anger subside. Every thought in my head is exploding into a dark craving. I’m addicted to the way Ace makes me feel. Of course, don’t get me wrong, I’ve kissed a handful of guys before, but no one has ever made me feel like this. Not even close. I wonder if it’s because we’re surrounded by the stillness of everything around us, the stars, the moon, the lake—the tranquility of time.

I hate how he makes me feel like nothing matters when I’m with him. I hate that even though he orders me to stay away, he’s always the one who finds me. He’s always there when the only thing I’m seeking to do is fit in and start over. But most of all, I hate that somehow, during all these weeks of Ace being an asshole, I find myself wanting to spend time with him. I find myself liking him. He understands me in a way no one else has. I grasp him for who he truly is—and we’re not so different after all. Both of us push away everyone who aims to help. Both of us have a tremendous amount of healing in front of us.

This feels good. This feels right. We pull away to catch our breath. His hand rests on my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek. I can see all the emotions swirling in his flawless eyes. Finally, I know I’m not the only one feeling this.

I can never get used to kissing Ace. The way his mouth moves against my own forces the whole room to rotate around me. I climb on top of him without breaking the kiss. Ace places his hands on my hips and pulls me closer—as if there’s a way to mold us together.

I press the delete button, but my hands are wet, and it somehow calibrates to send. Shit. No, not send—I tap my index finger on the back button. It results in making things a hundred times worse by sending the photo to the most recent number.

“Just give me the words and I’ll prove there’s no one more reckless than me—for you.”

“Why did you hate me when we first met?” The question has been on my mind for weeks. He stiffens and doesn’t answer for a few minutes. “It’s the other way around.” “I didn’t hate you. I don’t hate you,” I say, confused by his response. “I need you to.” Ace’s fingers trace my bare back.

“It’s a waste of time and energy to analyze the past. To try put pieces back together, to justify what could have happened, when in reality, there’s nothing you can do to turn back the clock,”

“Living in the past only fucks up the present,”

“I can’t fucking lose you.” His voice is filled with an emotion that I haven’t heard before from him—vulnerability? “I’m not going anywhere, Ace,” I say, dragging out every word so he understands. Is this why he’s afraid to open up to me? Because he thinks I’ll leave? I have reiterated time and again that I have no intention in doing that.

I’m happy for the first time in a long time because of him, and I know I’m wholly and utterly screwed.

He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder like I’m merely an object. “Ace!” What the hell is his problem? He can't do this when he doesn't get his way. I'm staring at his lower back and his ass—in fact, a very toned ass.

“I told you, you don't have any competition. You don’t have anything to worry about. I only want you,” Ace reiterates. I only want you. I acknowledge the words, they flow over me like a river, and my body temperature rises.

He takes my hand in his, stilling my fingers. A wave of peace sweeps over me, and I open my eyes. “Well, you could introduce me as your boyfriend. That is, of course, if that’s what you want.” “Boyfriend?” I mull over the idea. My tone is steady, however, my insides are anything but. Perhaps this means a great deal to me because Ace has never had a relationship.

“You drive me fucking insane,” he tells me, his eyes on mine. “I want you.” He grabs my hips, and his fingers dig into my skin. I can’t breathe. “Nothing else. Just you.”

We fall into one another at precipitous speed, like stars colliding, but two things can happen when a collision occurs. The stars either form as one, or they collapse into a black hole. We lock eyes together, and I’m safe. He makes me feel calm—high on endorphins. And that’s when I realize we’re collapsing into a black hole. Because nothing that feels

this good can last. And nothing can escape a black hole, not even us.

“I think you’re the best thing that I could’ve found,” I say. I gnaw on my bottom lip, dropping my gaze. Ace leans over me and takes my face in both of his hands. He leans down, placing his lips to mine. Pulling away, he brushes a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “You are your best thing.”

He watches me. His blank eyes, devoid of hope, search mine for something I can’t provide at this moment, or maybe ever: forgiveness.