Conversations on Love

by Natasha Lunn

We need to stop tying ourselves so narrowly to this punitive vision that we’ve got to date in our twenties, find the ideal partner by twenty-eight, and have our first child at thirty-one, otherwise our life will be miserable. If that sort of narrative happens, it’ll be great in some ways and it’ll be awful in others. We need to show more imagination about what a good life might look like.

You like or love someone when you like or love yourself when you’re with them – and that takes a long time to know. You have to let them in.

This distinction made me see that, as well as being a burden, my longing for love made me more alive to small moments of beauty in solitude: the transcendental strings in a happy-sad song; the precise power of a sentence perfectly assembled; the way half a dozen petals fell off a rose with no warning, twirling in the air before settling on the ground. Maybe not having something you want wakes you up to another kind of romance. And when life forces you to live in the intensity of the unknown, between two possible futures, it’s also a chance to develop the inner resources and love that will serve you well in the years ahead.

All of us take so much for granted. Life is beautiful and we don’t have time to realize it. We let silly and petty things rule us and lead us into criticism. We find fault with life because we are tired and grumpy, instead of relishing the fact that we are with other people who are healthy, who love us and want to be with us.

Love is a choice – and sometimes it’s choosing to love someone even when we don’t feel lovingly towards them. The feeling of being ‘in love’ comes and goes, ebbs and flows, but the action of loving is a decision. One we make every day.