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I see her pain and I’m powerless to help. It’s frustrating.
I’ve started assembling a collage of photographs of my wife to use as a screensaver on my laptop and phone.
She’s all eyes and smiles and ponytail and legs…especially
I sink down onto my knees in front of her, to worship at her altar.
She wanted it rough. We. Aim. To. Please.
She looks like a Greek goddess.
then step over to join Ana on the sofa that I tied her to last night.
We’ll need a fucking minivan.
Ana. My own Aphrodite. My wife. My heart fills with love and light. She’s so beautiful.
My head is pounding and my wife is missing. This is hell. I’m in hell.
Hell. The water is lukewarm; it tastes awful.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference.
Why does she automatically assume it was my fault?
and for the first time in my life, I weep
“For fuck’s sake, Mom, stop crying.”
Gently, I put an arm around her, and she lays her head on my chest. Oh. The. Feel. Of. Her. Ana.
“Oh, Ana.” I gasp while keeping my own tears lodged in my throat. “I thought I’d lost you. Then I thought I’d lost you again. Seeing you lying on the ground, pale and cold and unconscious—it was all my worst fears realized. And now here you are—brave and strong, giving me hope. Loving me…after all that I’ve done.”
“Mr. Grey, Mrs. Grey. Am I interrupting?” “Yes,”
“I wish you’d aimed higher,”
I cradle her head against my chest, wanting to chase away the hurt and fear.
she clings to me, sobbing still, each sound a lesion in my heart.
I kiss her forehead, because I need her to know that I love her, no matter what she does.
I kneel at her feet
I don’t know what’s gotten into her. Not you recently, Grey.
only her love shining through the cracks into my darkness.
Ana’s eyes dart from my lips to her breakfast. And her breakfast wins. Damn. Thwarted by scrambled eggs.
She refracts my darkness and turns it to brilliant light.
“Worse things to do than look at your beautiful smiling face all day.
I hug her gently, marveling at how much she means to me. How much I love her. Who knew I could fall so desperately and completely in love?
I nod, feeling like I got an A in therapy.
Until death do us part, Anastasia Grey. Because I love you. More than life itself. And I know you love me.