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listening is what creates the space someone needs to be honest. When an argument is underway or when we engage with those who hold values or beliefs opposite to our own, thoughtful listening can help us approach them with an open mind rather than push them away.
First, I began to be more self-aware of my own listening habits, catching myself when my attention or emotions were getting in the way of my hearing others and course correcting in real time.
With practice, you’ll begin to notice when you may be projecting your experience onto someone else’s and learn to tame any instincts to interrupt, redirect, or appease others in conversation.
The rule is that only around the fifth conversation do you hear the full range of possible responses to questions and begin to see patterns in attitudinal attributes like needs, motivations, and feelings.
Good note for future research that the monimum number of conversations should be five.
Surface listening is the act of hearing the literal—but not emotional—content of a conversation,
For example, we seek to be useful, so we offer advice and problem-solve—even if our conversation partner doesn’t want this.
we wish to make others feel better, so we validate their experience—even when they don’t need our words of encouragement. Other times, we seek to relate, so we share our similar stories—even though others are facing unique circumstances.
One of the most common—and easiest—listening mistakes we can make in surface listening mode is to project our own feelings, ideas, or experiences onto others.
Surface listening can also include behaviors like multitasking, interrupting others, mentally checking out, or continually bringing a conversation back to what we want to talk about.
empathetic listening is about connection. It is what happens when we deliberately slow things down and seek to understand others’ inner worlds. It means taking in what another person is saying—or not saying—with the intent to understand and relate to them on a human level.
meeting our conversation partner where they are, without expectations, and focusing less on our own inner narratives (and perhaps even our own needs) in the moment.
could ask them to say more and appreciate their journey—without sharing a similar story, giving advice, or comparing our unique experiences. Staying in their experience would allow me to ask more relevant questions.
Let others’ perspectives take the lead. Embrace the process of understanding your conversation partner’s lived experience by asking questions specific to them and giving them the floor to share more.
Think less about how you would have reacted if it were you and more about why your conversation partner may have made the choices he or she did.
admit that I do not have all the answers and that I am ready to be wrong.
the more strongly we feel about something, the harder it is to be open to alternative points of view.
being open to being wrong,
“Being interested is more important in cultivating a relationship and maintaining a relationship than being interesting,”
“What was that like?,” “How did you learn that?,” or “Tell me more about this part of what you said . . .” to help you go down the rabbit hole of curiosity together.
Gregg Popovich, the Spurs coach who takes his team out to Michelin restaurants after games,
How important does this subject seem to my conversation partner? Which part of our conversation are they particularly passionate about? Not passionate about? What might be driving their [enthusiasm, frustration, disappointment] for this topic? Could there be an emotional, contextual, personal, or even historical reason for their choice of topic? What might be motivating their reaction to what’s been said? Might their personal history play a part?
“This is my anxiety speaking” or “I am having a strong reaction to what’s happening” can help us return to the present. Labeling emotions can provide clarity in the moment (That’s my fear rearing its ugly head.) and control (This fear comes from my overactive imagination, and I don’t need to pay it mind right now.). This process helps us gain distance from what we are feeling and regulate our emotions in real time.1
we have to take what we know about ourselves—the stimuli that bring out the worst in us, as well as the conditions that keep us calm, satisfied, and on our best behavior—and design an environment that best supports our needs.
try not to schedule important conversations back-to-back,
trust helps us to quiet our impulse to do more than just be present.
we can also put trust in ourselves: to have faith that we will remember what is necessary, to have confidence that we will pay attention to the right cues, to let go of the anxiety that we will forget an important insight and not worry, because we trust that we’ve got this. When we can embrace an attitude of trusting that what is important will remain with us—that no immediate action is necessary—we can stay calm and simply listen.
connect, by giving others the space to express themselves, we not only get to know them better, but we are more likely to respond in a way that deepens the conversation.
being patient allows us to take in a range of perspectives to inform our position, which helps us to collaborate better and come to the best decision for the group.
if I interrupt a participant, I may never get back the opportunity to learn what they actually wanted to say or do.
So whenever I had a burning question, I’d wait to see if their actions could answer it for me instead.
When you are desperate to weigh in, consider what information you might miss by doing so.
The next time you feel compelled to finish their thoughts, remember what’s at stake. Are you comfortable with potentially pushing your conversation partner away?
When hands are busy, pay attention: This may be a sign that our conversation partner is tense or uncomfortable and attempting to calm themselves down.
4 If our conversation partner’s feet are pointed toward the exit, even if they are amicably chatting with us, this may indicate that they’d truthfully prefer to make an escape.
We naturally orient ourselves toward what we are excited by and interested in, and away from that which we are not.
Often, this blame masks a deeper emotion that needs our attention. Anger, disappointment, loneliness, and fear can be uncomfortable to sit in; displacing them onto others gives us a way out. Because it is far easier to focus on how others are at fault than to interrogate what we are feeling and where it is coming from,
