Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection

by Ximena Vengoechea

You can help your conversation partner warm up to discussing a taboo topic with a few simple steps: Tell them in advance what you’d like to talk about. This gives everyone a chance to mentally prepare in advance and ensures no one feels blindsided by a taboo topic. You’d appreciate the same courtesy, too. Clarify your intent. The best way to prevent the conversation from being automatically shut down is to clarify your rationale for bringing up these unwieldy issues. If a topic feels off-limits, you can make it safe for others to participate by explaining why you are broaching the subject, and by reassuring them that your goal is not to offend or push too hard. Simply stating what your intent is up front can reduce some of the fear around taboo topics. In my conversation with Rita, I let her know that things might get uncomfortable, but that my intent was not to provoke her. Start small and build from there. When it’s time to talk, start from neutral ground to put everyone at ease. There’s typically at least one thing you can safely agree on before your views diverge. (A manager sharing critical feedback with a direct report can admit, “I had trouble with this when I was in your role, too.”) This can build confidence to tackle the harder stuff.