Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection

by Ximena Vengoechea

Below are the most common default listening modes, each with its own strengths and weaknesses. As you enter in conversation, listen for when these modes are surfacing, and with whom. The Explainer. Explainers have an answer for everything, especially when it comes to our feelings (You’re feeling burned out? It must be because of our culture of overworking.). Rational thinking can provide welcome perspective and help us gain distance from our feelings. Still, Explainers must catch themselves not to go overboard, since we don’t always want an explanation for our emotions; that type of response can come across as short-sighted and dismissive. The Validator. It can feel great to talk to a Validator, especially when you are in need of a pick-me-up (Yeah, it is their fault! They don’t understand you!). These natural cheerleaders are always on our side, but unchecked, Validators can unintentionally inflate your ego, skew your perspective, and even stunt your personal growth. The Identifier. Identifying happens when a listener likens their experience to the speaker’s and brings a conversation back to them. “I know exactly what you mean.” “I felt the same way when . . .” “It’s like how when I . . .” These responses can help us to feel less alone in our experience. At the same time, not everyone craves affirmation; in these cases, identifying responses can be disconnecting. They show the listener that we aren’t listening at all—we’re thinking about ourselves. The Problem-Solver. Pro...