Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection

by Ximena Vengoechea

“Being interested is more important in cultivating a relationship and maintaining a relationship than being interesting,” Kashdan says. “That’s what gets the dialogue going.”1 Curiosity is an invitation for others to say more in conversation—in other words, it is an olive branch for connecting.

My husband and I have opposite conversation styles. In a chat, he is more fact-driven and prone to googling to answer trivia or confirm a historical stat; I am more socially driven and likely to recall interpersonal details that tell me something about people and personalities. It’s very easy for me to forget that the facts and stats he brings up are his way of keeping the conversation going, in the same way that when I recount an anecdote about a friend or co-worker, I am inviting him to chime in. To avoid missing each other’s bids for connection, and inadvertently dismissing each other, we both have to make an effort to find interesting threads to pull. Tugging at interesting threads in a conversation means paying attention to what’s surprising or compelling to you so that you can stay engaged—and

Understanding people’s different listening styles

Attempting to finish other people’s sentences may be our way of bidding for connection, but it rarely gets us there. We may jump in because we are excited to engage with others, or to show how well we know the other person, but we can miss that our conversation partner hasn’t finished what they need to say. This type of behavior can be hurtful for those on the receiving end (You must not value my opinion if you are so quick to cut me off.),

If the answer were obvious, and positive (I love it!), they would likely not need time to gather their thoughts or choose their words so carefully. We often go with our gut when we are confident in our response and comfortable sharing it, and find ways to stall when we are not.

Each of us has a natural way of stepping into conversation: an instinctive mode we tune in to without thinking. You may be a problem-solver by nature, ready to help a friend or colleague troubleshoot whatever is on their mind. Or perhaps you are more the cheerleading type, often complimentary, knowing just how to inspire your direct report to keep going on that challenging project they’ve taken on. Maybe you are like the friend at my breakfast spot, always trying to consider things from others’ points of view, even when it might not be welcome. There are many ways to show up in a conversation, but we tend to play one role more often than the rest. I call this our default listening mode.

To be a more effective listener, we must understand our default listening mode, uncover what our conversation partner needs from us in a given discussion, and adapt accordingly.