I would eventually realize that the thing making me so uncomfortable was “femme invisibility,” a tendency for femme-presenting queer people to be overlooked and invalidated, even within queer contexts. I’d learn that even though the issue transpired in spaces where men weren’t usually present, it still stemmed from sexism—butch lesbians were often perceived as more “valid” because of the arbitrary value patriarchy places on masculinity.VIII But at the time, my own femininity felt like an enemy, impossible to reconcile with my yearning to be gay. In the long term, it seemed like I had only two
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