The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

by John Koenig

ameneurosis n. the half-forlorn, half-escapist ache of a train whistle howling in the distance at night. From amen, “so be it” + neurosis, an anxious state + amanuensis, an assistant who helps transcribe newly composed music. A train whistle is the sound of air being forced across a gap, which serves as a poignant reminder of all the gaps in your life. Pronounced “ah-men-nyoo-roh-sis.”

idlewild adj. feeling grateful to be stranded in a place where you can’t do much of anything—sitting for hours at an airport gate, the sleeper car of a train, or the backseat of a van on a long road trip—which temporarily alleviates the burden of being able to do anything at any time and frees up your brain to do whatever it wants to do, even if it’s just to flicker your eyes across the passing landscape. From Idlewild, the original name of John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York City.

justing n. the habit of telling yourself that just one tweak could solve all of your problems—if only you had the right haircut, if only you found the right group of friends, if only you made a little more money, if only he noticed you, if only she loved you back, if only you could find the time, if only you were confident—which leaves you feeling perpetually on the cusp of a better life, hanging around the top of the slide waiting for one little push. From just, only, simply, merely + jousting, a sport won by positioning the tip of your lance at just the right spot, at just the right second. Pronounced “juhst-ing.”

harmonoia n. an itchy sense of dread when life feels just a hint too peaceful—when everyone seems to get along suspiciously well, with an eerie stillness that makes you want to brace for the inevitable collapse, or burn it down yourself. From harmony + paranoia. Pronounced “hahr-muh-noi-uh.”

zielschmerz n. the dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you started up in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could. German Ziel, goal + Schmerz, pain. Pronounced “zeel-shmerts.”

nighthawk n. a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night—an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming future—which you sometimes manage to forget for weeks, only to feel it land on your shoulder once again, quietly building a nest. Nighthawks is a famous painting by Edward Hopper, depicting a lonely corner diner late at night. In logging, a nighthawk is a metal ball that slid up and down a riverboat’s flagpole, to aid pilots in navigation.

agnosthesia n. the state of not knowing how you really feel about something, which forces you to sift through clues hidden in your own behavior, as if you were some other person—noticing a twist of acid in your voice, an obscene amount of effort you put into something trifling, or an inexplicable weight on your shoulders that makes it difficult to get out of bed. Ancient Greek ἄγνωστος (ágnōstos), not knowing + διάθεσις (diáthesis), condition, mood. Pronounced “ag-nos-thee-zhuh.”

endzoned n. the hollow feeling of having gotten exactly what you thought you wanted, only to learn that it didn’t make you happy. In sports, the endzone is the final goal, the end of the line—but at a certain point you have to drop the ball.

the meantime n. the moment of realization that your quintessential future self isn’t ever going to show up, which forces the role to fall upon the understudy, the gawky kid who spent years mouthing their lines in the wings before being shoved into the glare of your life, which is already well into its second act. From mean, common, humble, low-grade + the meantime, the time spent waiting for some other event to occur.

apolytus n. the moment you realize you are changing as a person, finally outgrowing your old problems like a reptile shedding its skin, already able to twist back around and chuckle at this weirdly antiquated caricature of yourself that will soon come off completely. From apolysis, the stage of molting when an invertebrate’s shell begins to separate from the skin beneath it + adultus, sacrificed. Pronounced “ah-pahl-i-tuhs.”

symptomania n. the fantasy that there’s some elaborate diagnosis out there that neatly captures the kind of person you are, tying together your many flaws and contradictions into a single theme—which wouldn’t necessarily sort out the mess inside your head but would at least let you mark it with a little sign so people know to walk around it. From symptom + mania.

solysium n. the unhinged delirium of being alone for an extended period of time—feeling the hours stretch into days until a weird little culture begins to form inside your head, with its own superstitions and alternate histories and a half-mumbled dialect all your own—whose freewheeling absurdity feels oddly liberating but makes it that much harder to reacclimate to the strictures and ambiguities of normal social life. From solitary, being by oneself + asylum, a sanctuary for the mentally ill + Elysium, the Ancient Greek equivalent of heaven. Pronounced “soh-lee-zee-uhm.”

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could. —LOUISE ERDRICH, The Painted Drum

midding n. the tranquil pleasure of being near a gathering but not quite in it—hovering on the perimeter of a campfire, talking quietly outside a party, resting your eyes in the back seat of a car listening to friends chatting up front—feeling blissfully invisible yet still fully included, safe in the knowledge that everyone is together and everyone is okay, with all the thrill of being there without the burden of having to be. Middle English midding, alternate spelling of midden, a refuse heap that sits near a dwelling. Pronounced “mid-ing.”

dolonia n. a state of unease prompted by people who seem to like you too much, which makes you wonder if they must have you confused with someone else—someone flawless, selfless, or easy to understand from a distance—feeling vaguely disappointed that they’re unwilling to spend the time it takes getting to know the real you. Ancient Greek εἴδωλον (eídōlon), a phantom image of an ideal form. Pronounced “duh-loh-nee-uh.”

amoransia n. the melodramatic thrill of unrequited love; the longing to pine for someone you can never have, wallowing in devotion to some impossible person who could give your life meaning by their very absence. Portuguese amor, love + ânsia, craving. Pronounced “ah-moh-ran-see-uh.”

immerensis n. the maddening inability to understand the reasons why someone loves you—almost as if you’re selling them a used car that you know has a ton of problems and requires daily tinkering just to get it to run normally, but no matter how much you try to warn them, they seem all the more eager to hop behind the wheel and see where this puppy can go. Latin immerens, undeserving. Pronounced “ih-muhr-en-sis.”

foilsick adj. feeling ashamed after revealing a little too much of yourself to someone—allowing them too clear a view of your pettiness, your anger, your cowardice, your childlike vulnerability—wishing you could somehow take back the moment, discreetly bolting the door after a storm had already blown it off its hinges. Scottish Gaelic foillsich, to expose.

hanker sore adj. finding a person so attractive it actually kinda pisses you off. From hanker, to pine after something + canker sore, which gets worse the more you’re aware of it.

kuebiko n. a state of exhaustion inspired by senseless tragedies and acts of violence, which force you to abruptly revise your expectations of what can happen in this world, trying to prop yourself up like an old scarecrow, who’s bursting at the seams yet powerless to do anything but stand there and watch. In Japanese mythology, Kuebiko is the name of a kami deity, a scarecrow who stands all day watching the world go by, which has made him very wise but locked in place. Pronounced “koo-web-i-koh.”

catoptric tristesse n. the sadness that you’ll never really know what other people think of you, whether good, bad, or if at all—that although you can gather a few hints here and there, and even ask around for honest feedback, you’ll always have to wonder which opinions are being softened out of flattery, sharpened out of malice, or held back because it’s simply not their place. In Ancient Rome, the catoptric cistula was a kind of mirror-lined box whose interior appeared to expand into an infinite forest, library, or treasure room. Pronounced “kuh-top-trik tris-tes.”

pax latrina n. the meditative atmosphere of being alone in a bathroom, sequestered inside your own little isolation booth, enjoying a moment backstage from the razzle-dazzle of public life. Latin pax, a period of peace + latrina, toilet. Compare Pax Romana or Pax Americana; sometimes the solace of bathroom stalls can feel just as profound as the protection of empires. Pronounced “paks luh-tree-nah.”

amuse-douche n. an activity that you’ve adored since you were a kid—riding bikes, reading books, taking pictures, cooking food—whose enjoyment dissolves on contact with hardcore fanatics’ ferocious obsession with technique. From amuse-bouche, a bite-size appetizer intended to tantalize the palate + douche. Pronounced “ah-mooz-doosh.”

ANEMOIA nostalgia for a time you never experienced

thwit n. a pang of shame when an embarrassing memory from adolescence rushes back into your head from out of nowhere, which is somehow no less painful even if nobody else remembers it happened in the first place. Acronym of The Hell Was I Thinking?

appriesse n. the feeling of loss that you never had a chance to meet a certain person before they died, which compels you to try to get to know them anyway, gathering snapshots and stories to build out a sketch of who they were, learning them like a character in a novel, which makes them feel all the more alive even though you’ve already skipped ahead and read the last page. Latin appretiare, to appraise + ad pressum, after. Pronounced “ap-ree-es.”

etterath n. the feeling of emptiness after a long and arduous process is finally complete—having finished school, recovered from surgery, or gone home at the end of your wedding—which leaves you relieved that it’s over but missing the stress that organized your life into a mission. Norwegian etter, after + råtne, decay. Pronounced “et-er-rath.”

aftersome adj. astonished to think back on the bizarre sequence of accidents that brought you to where you are today—as if you’d spent years bouncing down a Plinko pegboard, passing through a million harmless decision points, any one of which might’ve changed everything—which makes your long and winding path feel fated from the start, yet so unlikely as to be virtually impossible. Swedish eftersom, because.

suerza n. a feeling of quiet amazement that you exist at all; a sense of gratitude that you were even born in the first place, that you somehow emerged alive and breathing despite all odds, having won an unbroken streak of reproductive lotteries that stretches all the way back to the beginning of life itself. Spanish suerte, luck + fuerza, force. Pronounced “soo-wair-zuh.”

ironsick adj. feeling hollowed out by excessive exposure to modern technology, which is so fast and stimulating that it makes everything else feel drab and messy by comparison—as if you’d unwittingly developed a psychological allergy to chaos, which leaves you feeling punchy and lonely and numb, even though your life might be as peaceful and predictable as it’s ever been. From iron sick, a nautical term for when an old ship’s iron nails become rusted out, allowing seepage of seawater through the wooden hull.