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Kindle Notes & Highlights
dès vu: the awareness that this moment will become a memory.
sonder: the realization that each random passerby is the main character of their own story, in which you are just an extra in the background.
As Wittgenstein wrote, “The limits of my language are the limits of my world.”
In language, all things are possible.
Not so long ago, to be sad meant you were filled to the brim with some intensity of experience.
And if you are lucky enough to feel sad, well, savor it while it lasts—if only because it means that you care about something in this world enough to let it under your skin.
kairosclerosis n. the moment you look around and realize that you’re currently happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompts your intellect to identify it, pick it apart, and put it in context, where it will slowly dissolve until it’s little more than an aftertaste.
looseleft adj. feeling a sense of loss upon finishing a good book, sensing the weight of the back cover locking away the lives of characters you’ve gotten to know so well.
jouska n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a devastating comeback, a cathartic heart-to-heart—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage that feels far more satisfying than the small-ball strategies of everyday life.
slipfast adj. longing to disappear completely; to melt into a crowd and become invisible, so you can take in the world without having to take part in it—free to wander through conversations without ever leaving footprints, free to dive deep into things without worrying about making a splash.
elsewise adj. struck by the poignant strangeness of other people’s homes, which smell and feel so different than your own—seeing the details of their private living space, noticing their little daily rituals, the way they’ve arranged their things, the framed photos of people you’ll never know.
The more you look to the sky, the more you find yourself back on Earth, confronting certain possibilities.
Even our own moon, which seems to hang so close to Earth, is so far away that all the other planets could fit in the empty space between them.
licotic adj. anxiously excited to introduce a friend to something you think is amazing—a classic album, a favorite restaurant, a TV show they’re lucky enough to watch for the very first time—which prompts you to continually poll their face waiting for the inevitable rush of awe, only to cringe when you discover all the work’s flaws shining through for the very first time.
Life is not a flat and barren outpost, and it’s not a bangarang wonderland either. Maybe they’re just two different ways of looking at some ambiguous middle place, where she actually lives.
Spare a thought for poor Dorothy, the orphan girl of Kansas, who dreams in color but lives in black and white.
idlewild adj. feeling grateful to be stranded in a place where you can’t do much of anything—sitting for hours at an airport gate, the sleeper car of a train, or the backseat of a van on a long road trip—which temporarily alleviates the burden of being able to do anything at any time and frees up your brain to do whatever it wants to do, even if it’s just to flicker your eyes across the passing landscape.
mahpiohanzia n. the frustration of being unable to fly, unable to stretch out your arms and vault into the air, having finally shrugged off the burden of your own weight, which you’ve been carrying your entire life without a second thought. Lakota mahpiohanzi, “a shadow caused by a cloud.” Pronounced “mah-pee-oh-han-zee-uh.”
MARU MORI the heartbreaking simplicity of ordinary things
A tribute to Maru Mori, a friend of Pablo Neruda, whose gift of wool socks inspired his poem “Ode to My Socks.” Compare memento mori, a poignant reminder of your own mortality. Pronounced “mah-roo moh-ree.”
merrenness n. the lulling isolation of driving late at night—floating through the void in an otherworldly hum, trailing red jewels in the darkness, your high beams sweeping back and forth like a lighthouse. Hungarian merre, where? in which direction? Pronounced “mair-uhn-nis.”
justing n. the habit of telling yourself that just one tweak could solve all of your problems—if only you had the right haircut, if only you found the right group of friends, if only you made a little more money, if only he noticed you, if only she loved you back, if only you could find the time, if only you were confident—which leaves you feeling perpetually on the cusp of a better life, hanging around the top of the slide waiting for one little push.
gobo n. the delirium of having spent all day in an aesthetic frame of mind—watching a beautiful movie, taking photos across the city, getting lost in an art museum—which infuses the world with an aura of meaning, until every crack in the wall becomes a commitment to naturalism, and every rainbow swirling in a puddle feels like a choice. Short for go-between. In theatrical lighting, a gobo is a layer inserted into a lamp that shapes the pool of light that hits the stage. Pronounced “goh-boh.”
funkenzwangsvorstellung n. the primal trance of watching a campfire in the dark. German Funken, spark + Zwangsvorstellung, obsession. Pronounced “foon-ken-tsvang-svohr-stel-oong.”
zielschmerz n. the dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you started up in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could. German Ziel, goal + Schmerz, pain. Pronounced “zeel-shmerts.”
Sometimes you feel it vibrating in your pocket, even when it’s not there.
It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough to fill in the blanks. Sometimes all you need is a single word on a map—Tuanaki, Saxenburgh, Antillia—and your mind fills up with visions of what might be out there.
But if someone were to ask you on your deathbed what it was like to live here on Earth, perhaps the only honest answer would be: “I don’t know. I passed through it once, but I’ve never really been there.”
Maybe the trouble is, you were never really “in it” to begin with. Maybe when you first started building the life you wanted, you put so much thought into what might happen that you started losing sight of what was happening.
trueholding n. the act of trying to keep an amazing discovery to yourself, fighting the urge to shout about it from the rooftops because you’re afraid that it’ll end up being diluted and distorted, and will no longer have been created just for you. In the Tolkien legendarium, Trahald is the true name of Sméagol (Gollum), a creature who spent centuries hiding in dark wet caves, enthralled in jealous worship of his precious enchanted ring.
fool’s guilt n. a pulse of shame you feel even though you’ve done nothing wrong—passing a police car while under the speed limit, being carded after legally ordering a drink, or exiting a store without buying anything. From fool’s gold + guilt. Also known as a reverse Alford plea, whereby you plead innocent to all charges but want the judge to know that you feel kinda guilty anyway.
endzoned n. the hollow feeling of having gotten exactly what you thought you wanted, only to learn that it didn’t make you happy. In sports, the endzone is the final goal, the end of the line—but at a certain point you have to drop the ball.
1202 n. the tipping point when your brain becomes so overwhelmed with tasks you need to do, you feel too guilty to put anything off until later, prioritizing every little thing at the top of the list, leaving you immobilized. During the lunar descent of Apollo 11, the “1202” alarm sounded just before landing, indicating that the computer was receiving more data than it could process. Pronounced “twelve oh two.”
mcfeely adj. inexplicably moved by predictable and well-worn sentiments, even if they’re trite or obvious or being broadcast blindly to the masses. From the middle name of Mr. Fred McFeely Rogers. You deserve to be happy. Your feelings matter. You are loved. You are enough.
Maybe you have no true colors. You’re not some finished painting, signed and sealed in varnish. If there is a “real you,” surely it’s the mess of paint on the palette: colors swirling and mixing and playing together, perpetually unfinished, searching and striving to make something new.
fensiveness n. a knee-jerk territorial reaction when a friend displays a casual interest in one of your obsessions. Mandarin 粉絲 (fěnsī), fan, admirer + defensiveness. Pronounced “fen-siv-nis.”
The eye is a keyhole through which the world pours in, and a world spills out.
redesis n. a feeling of queasiness while offering someone advice, knowing they might well face a totally different set of constraints and capabilities, any of which might propel them to a wildly different outcome—which makes you wonder if all of your hard-earned wisdom is fundamentally nontransferable, like handing someone a gift card in your name that probably expired years ago. Middle English rede, advice + pedesis, the random motion of particles. Pronounced “ruh-dee-sis.”
If two lines are truly parallel, it means they’ll never actually meet.
lackout n. the sudden awareness that you’re finally over someone, noticing that the same voice that once triggered a cocktail of emotions now evokes nothing at all—as if your brain had returned the last box of their things and your heart had quietly changed its locks. From lack, missing something + blackout, when a spark abruptly goes away.
I forgot that you existed
antiophobia n. a fear you sometimes experience while leaving a loved one, wondering if this will turn out to be the last time you’ll ever see them, and whatever slapdash good-bye you toss their way might have to serve as your final farewell. Greek αντίο (antío), farewell + -φοβία (-phobía), fear. Pronounced “an-tee-uh-foh-bee-uh.”
hailbound adj. mysteriously compelled to wave to passing strangers on a country road, a mountain path, or a remote stretch of water. From hail, to greet + bound, being obliged.
ludiosis n. the sense that you’re just making it up as you go along—knowing that if someone asked why you do most things, you couldn’t really come up with a convincing explanation. In Ancient Rome, Ludi Osci, the Oscan Games, gave rise to the art of improvisational theater. Pronounced “loo-dee-oh-sis.”
burn upon reentry n. the bitter disappointment upon finding no new messages after spending hours out of contact, as if the world had barely even noticed you had left. From the tendency of spacefaring objects to heat up upon reentering the atmosphere.
xeno n. the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a warm smile, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone. Ancient Greek ξένος (xénos), alien, stranger. Pronounced “zee-noh.”
How strange that something so vibrant as art is so nearly invisible. Strange how rarely we look up at the architecture,
You can’t help but wonder what would happen if these boxes began falling apart. If each of us took the time to write our identities by hand, speaking only for ourselves, in our own words.
gaudia civis n. a humble pulse of gratification you feel when acting as a citizen—serving on a jury, standing in line at a polling place, taking part in a debate at a town meeting—where you can actually feel the gears of democracy turning ever so slightly, because you actually had a hand in it. Latin gaudia, joys + civis, citizen. Pronounced “gou-dee-uh siv-is.”
For someone going through adolescence, life feels epic and tragic simply because it is—every kink in their day could easily warp the arc of their story.
backmasking n. the instinctive tendency to see someone as you knew them in their youth—a burned-in image of grass-stained knees, graffitied backpacks, or handfuls of birthday cake, superimposed on an adult with a mortgage, or children of their own. In audio recording, backmasking is a technique wherein a sound is deliberately recorded backward, so it’s only intelligible when played in reverse.
