Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

The short-term discomfort of setting a boundary isn’t a reason to continue tolerating the longer-term discomfort of the issues that inevitably result.

Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.

“I’m a helper.” There’s nothing wrong with that, but you can be a helper without being a pushover.

When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.

Assess your need for constant contact with another person.

In codependent relationships, we believe we must help people avoid consequences, saving them from unpleasant experiences. We think it’s our role to protect them. But rather than protect, we enable the other person to continue their unhealthy behavior.

For the enabler, their own needs are never (or rarely) met. For the enabled, they don’t learn how to meet their own needs. So both people become worse together in codependent relationships.

The best boundaries are easy to understand. Starting statements with “I need,” “I want,” or “I expect” helps you stay grounded in the truth of who you are.

Another part of upholding the boundary you’ve set is deciding what you’ll do if it’s violated. If you do nothing, you aren’t honoring your boundary.

Don’t apologize for having and setting boundaries. When you apologize, it gives the impression that your expectations are negotiable or that you don’t believe you’re allowed to ask for what you want.

Verbalize your boundaries with others. Do it organically in conversation, such as “I don’t like it when people come over without calling first.”

ULTIMATUMS ARE HEALTHY when you use them as a tool to execute and follow through on your boundaries, attaching them to reasonable consequences like the ones above. Ultimatums aren’t healthy when your consequences are punitive or when you threaten people into doing what you want.

Relief: “I feel better without the stress of the relationship.” Regret: “I knew I shouldn’t have asked them to ____.” Guilt: “It’s all my fault that this happened.” Anger: “I can’t believe they would respond like this.” Sadness: “I miss ____.”

The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues that needed to be addressed. Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship.

If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either.

Exhibit the boundaries you wish to see in the world.

Respond with a question: “That’s an interesting question; what prompted you to ask me that?”

Most people don’t want to disappoint their parents. When I was a kid, the worst thing I ever heard from my mother was “I’m disappointed.” That statement broke my heart and ensured that I would behave for at least the next two hours. Yet when you don’t set boundaries with your parents, you are the one who becomes disappointed, resentful, and anxious.

After thirty, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendships. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier about the people you surround yourself with,

believed that being a “good friend” meant dealing with my friends’ problems as if they were my own. It’s important to realize that your friends’ issues are not your issues.

The most loving thing you can do is listen. The most empowering thing you can do is allow people to work through their own problems.