The Red Palace

by June Hur

I would not love, unless I was loved first and loved the most. I would be nothing at all, if I could not be first. I would not sit silently wasting away as the world passed me by, like Mother. I was determined to be heard, to have my thoughts considered.

If you knew her as I do, sir, you would be convinced of her innocence.

“If I shall be remembered for anything, I long to be remembered for this. For this,” she repeated, her voice strangled.

A tiger might eat me, but Father could crush my very soul.

They didn’t like me, for they thought themselves above me.

“It seems there is always someone in the family determined to drive us mad.”

I’d broken and destroyed, trying to ease the hurt.

I gritted my teeth as I bowed my head. “I will.” It was a lie, of course. Lies are the only defenses the lowly have against the powerful.

My lips parted, but I wasn’t sure what I meant to say, my words stolen by the intensity of his stare.

I felt awake for the first time in years. Worry about my studies, about how I’d raise my status, about Father’s approval of me—all of it vanished.

I did not want to be like this, a girl too afraid to do what was right for fear of what others would think.

“We are women,” she continued, “and nothing short of death stops us from doing precisely what we wish to do. That is what the laws and restrictions binding our lives breed: determination and cunning. The likes of you will not obey me. You will tell me that you intend to be as still as a rock, and yet I know you will dart from shadow to shadow like a fish.”

Everyone must choose the paths they will walk. And when you choose, remember to count the cost. Do not live with regrets.”

Sometimes—oftentimes—we cannot do both what is right and also please those around us.”

It is those you love that make a wretched life worth living.”

“You say you are a grown man now, and do not wish to be seen as a mother’s little boy. Yet, like a child, you keep company with childish friends who enjoy the practice of drinking and womanizing.

“When the time comes,” he said quietly, holding my gaze the way he held my hand. “You watch out for me. And I will always watch out for you.”

“After Father’s death, I realized that everything we hold dear can be taken from us, except for one thing: the lessons learned. The things Father has taught me.”

“You must have been a general in your past life. A most irritatingly stubborn one.”

I was suddenly filled with the urge to burst into laughter. Laughter over the terrifyingly ridiculous situation I’d found myself in, and from the sheer sense of wonder that the darkest time had brought a friend into my life.

I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to be known. I wanted to be understood and accepted.

She does not know how to love. It does not mean that she does not love at all.

Remember what I always told you: We must value the lives of others. And those that are most vulnerable are the most precious of all.

“I say with utmost respect,” Eojin said slowly, and I cast him a nervous glance. “But sometimes too much mercy is as detrimental as too little.”

“I always felt like I was alone until I met you,” he murmured hesitantly, then turned his head the slightest bit. In the dimming light, his eye glimmered with a sincerity that left me breathless. “I find myself wondering if you feel the same way I do.”

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“When we’re together … it’s as though we are like water in the river, my thoughts flowing through yours, yours through mine. And when we are silent”—a faint smile tugged at his lips—“I forget you are even there sometimes.” “I’m flattered, nauri,” I said drily. “It is the greatest compliment. I dislike being around people for too long. But when I am with you … I never feel the need to be someone I am not.”

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The more urgent a circumstance, Nurse Jeongsu had drilled into us, the calmer we must be.

Most of us believe that we are not capable of murder … until it happens to us.

Mother annoyed me at times with her questions, yet it was a strange delight—to be annoyed at all, rather than experience the stiff and formal silence I’d grown up with.

“No matter what happens, life goes on, doesn’t it?”

“The first time I met you, I don’t think I quite knew,” he said softly, looking back at me, “what a surprise you would become to me.”

He moved my hand into his, and as our fingers intertwined, it occurred to me that love wasn’t all that I’d feared it to be. I had imagined that it was a wildfire that incinerated everything in its path. Instead, it felt as ordinary and extraordinary as waking up to a new day.

“There is only you.” His words caressed me, winding themselves around my soul. “There will only ever be you. I promise, Hyeon-ah.”

“I have missed you.” “Missed me?” A smile lifted her voice. “You saw me yesterday, nauri.” “A day is too long.”

All he ever wanted was to be with her. To listen to her stories, to share his own, and to feel her fingers against his. There never seemed to be enough time in the day.