But You Seemed So Happy: A Marriage, in Pieces and Bits

by Kimberly Harrington

Anxiety introduces us to a sinister fill-in-the-blank, “But what if _____” and we endlessly fill it with worst-case scenarios. What if I’m alone forever, what if I get sick and no one cares, what if someone I love dies, what if no one ever loves me again, what if everyone’s disappointed in me, what if I end up without a penny to my name, what if I did absolutely everything wrong? But what if we asked ourselves instead, “But what if it all turns out okay?” What if I stopped expecting life to be different than it is? This is me, today. I am going to accept this is where I am. That the past is done. The future is unknown and never guaranteed. I am going to feel grateful for what I have and forgive myself for my mistakes. I am going to accept I’ve probably made fewer of them than I think. I am going to move forward, without regret. I am going to tell the hater in me who looks in the mirror and tells me how old I look, what a piece of shit I am, and how dare I even dress up and go out like I deserve happiness—I am going to tell that voice to zip it, lock it, put it in its motherfucking pocket. I am done creating my grief. I am going to love this life. I am going to love me, today.